Iwanna

Jul. 7th, 2027 05:33 pm
kittydesade: (to-do list)
For when I have free money, or to save up for these things:

Much needed:
New jazz sneakers
2 pair blue sweats

General:
Dreamstime credits
Bullet earrings. Any kind. (Etsy)
Microwave heated slippers (size 6/7)
Look at your Etsy wish list
Look at your Modcloth wish list
Look at your makeup spreadsheet

Specific
These in all colors but the light gray and dark brown.
Black Magic or Mad Science shirt
This goes over a unitard
You need this t-shirt in your life.
Jeans that are not simple Lands End/LL Bean
Shoe storage

Graphic Novels
Leaving Megalopolis
Secret Six: Friends in Low Places
Hawkeye: My Life As A Weapon
Hawkeye: Little Hits
Hawkeye: LA Woman
kittydesade: (and so good night)
Well, after yesterday being a day of wooze and dizzy today is... still sort of head wobbly but a little better? Two things that might be causing it, one I can't change, the wildfires, which I hope will be out soon, and one I might be able to, if a slight vitamin D overdose is the cause (since I'd been taking probably more than I needed to, a 2000 unit capsule a day for the three days of smoke, smog, fog, cloudiness, and rain) then I haven't taken any today but will take it in the more natural fashion; by sitting in a sunshiney window. So. Hopefully that'll go away soon.

In less good news, our car decided not to start. ... and I thought it had already been driven to the dealership to deal with a roof leak but apparently not, turns out it was still in our driveway when it decided not to start so fuckifIknow. Aaargh.

(And this is actually old news for me but I found out the other day that Deutschkind went out of state for a job interview in her field, which is great for her! But aaaargh I was just making a new girl friend and ugh. I'm surrounded by way too much testosterone and of the two women my age I'd made friends with one is a bit dippy and the other ... I'm not sure anymore. The divorce did a number on the friends group.)

I don't know. I'm really tired right now. Emboldened by my productivity over the last week to try and do normal routines tonight, but really tired.
kittydesade: (facepalm - dean)
Ugh. UGH. Why is everything so ugh. Trump's entire fucking cabinet of horrors. Ugh. Why can't we have Guillermo del Toro's Cabinet of Horrors instead. They'd probably even do a better job of governing. I'd totally make Hellboy SecEd or something. Or the Faun! The Faun can be SecEd.

Don't even get me started in on North Dakota, but if ... Yeah, now that they're barricading and blocking supplies to them I don't know what anyone can do. Airlift? Drones? Surely there's human rights violations going on here but I don't know who or what has the power to stop them.

And speaking of assholes in power I am almost more angry with McCrory than I am with Trump, and I'm really angry with Trump. How many goddamn ways can you obstruct and delay and whine about the outcome of an election? It's over! You lost! The longer he delays conceding the greater the margin by which he lost grows, too, so that amuses me even more.

Nanowrimo is over. I squeaked in under the wire with a few wrist-destroying marathon writing sessions and ended up with maybe six or seven half-finished stories and one? two? finished ones but oh well. Fuckit. I'll keep working on them after and figure it out over the next month. Along with a shitload of stress knitting. It also, heh, this should say how stressed and behind on everything I am, it did not catch me up to my yearly word count goal. So now I need to finish that, and stress knit all the things, and finish out as many reading books as I can. Definitely not going to get to 100 books before the end of the year but maybe I can get to 50. I haven't been reading nearly as much as I wanted to the last couple months because... well, apparently my escapism has been taking the form of crafts lately, and it's harder to read than to listen to TV.

(And for whatever reason audio books and I don't get along. I can't process the solely audio input as well as I can the audio-visual input from TV, I keep realizing or at least feeling like I've missed parts of the book and then I have to rewind and it takes forever. Go figure. But curling up with a book and losing some time to that is easy.)

So it goes.
kittydesade: (what about eternity)
The fact that the highlight of my morning was acquiring potato chips and painkillers should say something about my day.

It is not, surprisingly, the current state of politics in the US and the world that's giving me the headache, although maybe it should be. I'm reasonably sure, after a couple of weeks of living half surrounded by wildfires, that it's the days when the smoke blows into our little town and makes every breath taste like campfire. And now I'm sitting at work with a headache hoping the painkillers work or at least knock it down enough that I can function.

I also find myself hoping that Mitt Romney ends up being SecState, which is not a position I ever expected to take. But at least he would be capable of and understand the need to apologize and explain to the rest of the world that yes, we know we have an idiot for President, we'll try to get rid of him soon. Or something. I mean really? Threatening Cuba negotiations on Twitter? The hell?

I'm so far behind on Nanowrimo thanks to post-election depression but I don't think it's unwinnable. Especially the way I'm doing it with sort of sprawling all over Black Ice this year. I just. Ugh. So far behind, and I don't want to be. Then again I'm behind in my yearly word count too and I don't want to write for the next several months, I just want to curl up on the couch and knit forever. Writing, thinking, anything like that takes way too much effort and makes me too sad. Blegh.

On the other hand writing is something I can do to make things better? Maybe? I was reading some first responders talk about Standing Rock and other protests that have been tear gassed or jackbooted over and realizing that with my asthma, no, I probably shouldn't go to protest marches outside my generally content town. I used to go to all kinds of marches? And now apparently marching gets you teargassed and pepper sprayed. It didn't used to, and apart from being incredibly frustrated and aggravated that I can't anymore, it just makes me heartsick that this is what we've come to.

Ugh. Okay, enough of this. I have writing and knitting to do. Especially since, of all things, the boyfriend wore his skull hat to work most of his workday last night and now two co-workers want me to make them skull hats too. I. Um. Okay? I guess? It's better than going to their parties at which apparently the goal is to be as blitzed and ridiculous as possible. Besides, while I normally would be annoyed at people I only know by rough description being all YES KNIT ME SOMETHING .... fuckit, it gives me more things to stress knit.

You get Sebastian today, because recent events (last several weeks recent, nothing specific and new) have reminded the braintwin and thus me about that episode of Babylon 5, in which Delenn is told to be a nice Minbari, conform, be quiet. I am not a nice Minbari.
kittydesade: A delicate hand reaching up to pluck fruit from a tree (give me the fucking fruit)
At this point I feel like, even if Trump does make it to the Presidency on Jan 20th (and even if we escape some sort of civil war), everyone and their aged prejudiced grandparent is going to know that he did it by being ten different kinds of shady. Maybe twenty. Today's rumor? truth? I haven't researched and do not care to expend the spoons, is that the Electoral College has to reject Trump's alleged win based on his conflicts of interest. I really have no idea if this is true, though I do know that the conflicts of interest have to be dealt with at some point, and it would be far easier sooner rather than later.

Side note: Oh god, writing Maybe She's Born With It (Maybe It's Malachy) in a Trump presidency is going to be, um. I bet the girls' Mom is a Trump voter. Betcha.

I'm sort of doing better? I think I've reached a point of nothing I do is going to help more than a pebble's worth of an avalanche, so I might as well stop completely freaking out and do my own work. Also spending the last couple weeks in a depressed stupor has made me really annoyed, though today's energy may only last for today. We'll see. I do have melatonin to hopefully get me to sleep at night. I have VitD in case I need it, which I should actually start taking today. I could go out and walk in the sunshine, but doing so would mean breathing in all the goddamn wildfire smoke. Ugh.

I also got my Imzy secret santa today, which is going to mean even more knitting and possibly some running down to Malaprops. Should be fun! Other than that I need to continue to kick ass on knitting the various Christmas presents and, um. I don't fucking know. I did most of my Christmas shopping on Black Friday, I might do some more tomorrow on Small Business Saturday? Shop Local Saturday? Whatever it is, there are some local sales, but after that I think it's going to be a low key Christmas of me stashing whatever money I get from my relatives and maybe buying pants. Teh glamour. I actually looked at Modcloth and of the 100 some odd skirts they had in 'long skirts' I didn't feel an urge to get a single one. I can't tell if that's because I'm in batten down hatches mode or because I just don't want any of their clothes.

I don't know anything anymore. I feel better for the moment at least. Maybe that's about all I can ask for.
kittydesade: A series of arches centered, seemingly endless (endless doorways)
I made a bread over the weekend! And another batch of pizza dough that turned out quite well if I do say so myself, although I need a better storage mechanism. But bread! Bready bready bread. I'm very glad my yeast problem was so easily solved with a little help from my friends and not something weird and horrible and me being bad at domestic and so on. I also made some pretty damn good pizza if I do say so myself.

I logged onto Twitter and saw the Nazis took over a building in the capital to do their Sieg Heil speeches and decided I couldn't for the rest of the day. At some point I do need to do the ACA survey and register my opinion on the Oversight Committee looking into conflicts of interest, and I might do that today to get it done, but I can't. I am so goddamn tired and it isn't even Day 1 yet.

I spent the better part of the weekend in a depressionesque fugue under blankets on the couch. I did get some physics done, and I made bread and pizza dough and pizza sauce and cleaned up in the kitchen a little. But mostly, fugue. I do plan on making a regular donation to the ACLU if six/twelve months go by and we haven't fallen into a deep Recession/Depression. I ought to be able to afford it then. I just. Depressionesque fugue. Is it still depression if it's situational rather than clinical? Or is it some other word that means depression caused by non-concussive trauma to the brainpan? I've read the research that says situations and crises cause injury-like effects in the brain, so what do we call that if it's neither a non-triggered/caused illness nor a physical, usually concussive trauma? I need more words.

And at this point I'm sciencing it out to avoid thinking about other things. Heh.

Oddly, I've been better about physical self care recently than I would have expected. I washed my hair with redhead shampoo that I'm sort of eking out, I put Argan Oil in it. I moisturized my feet this morning, and I've been regularly moisturizing my face. I put on makeup. I put on warm tights under my jeans. I haven't been doing that badly. I'm just extremely tired and sad and everything feels hopeless. The little voice in the back of my head sobbing I don't want to die is louder today.

I'll get through it. I'm strong. I know this. I'm just also tired and sad and scared, as per usual for the next four years. And I don't know what's going to happen. It's the uncertainty that's worst.

ETA: I will say though. I'm rather pleased to discover that my life has also prepared me to sound like a staffer on West Wing when I call an unexpectedly get through to Paul Ryan's voicemail.
kittydesade: Quote "I have a headache, a badge, and a gun. Behave." (headache badge gun)
Something needs to fucking stop already so I can catch my breath. I got home, I was all set to write, and then I realized when I'd given the ferals their evening snack I'd left the door slightly ajar, enough for a cat to pry it open. So last night for the last two hours of me being awake was a fun romp of finding the cats and coaxing Mikey out from under the house (Little Bit just went around to the laundry room door and waited for me to let her in, probably because she's used to under the house but apparently prefers inside). And then I had to jump down from the hysterics. I do, however, have the best boyfriend ever who helped, ultimately was the one to grab the cat, and crawled around under the house instead of my hysterical and also claustrophobic ass.

And then this morning I got my Pokemon gym, helped Frontline all the cats, paid my one house/business credit card over the phone because with all the election bullshit I almost forgot it was due today, transferred the balance of the other card to that one for interest free 18 months to not have to pay ridiculous interest, called my goddamn Senator about goddamn Jeff Sessions, got my melatonin and VitD, made an appointment with my doctor about the current asthma medication, and now I am done with fucking everything and ready to go home and sleep. All that in the first three or so hours I'd been awake.

Ugh, the problem with suddenly being more comfortable in money (short story: family did it) is that now when I see a pretty top on sale on ModCloth I'm all I COULD TOTALLY GET THAT. No, self. That's what got you into trouble in the first fucking place. A couple of times.

I don't know. I'm tired, I'm really fucking pissed at the racist sack of crap our government is turning out to be, but I'm... less despairing? Less low energy because everything sucks and more low energy because I did a lot of things, which feels like a better low energy state. If that makes any sense at all.

Plus side, stuff is getting done. I'm eating, I had a whole burrito and some potatoes and some candy last night, and cereal and an orange and a tooter fish popkin today through lunch. (That's tuna-fish sandwich for those of you who don't have Dark Tower embedded in your brains.) I'm going to capoeira tomorrow goddammit, I ran into a fellow student yesterday at the grocery, that was nice. And I'm tired of not being me. And also it's good self defense practice.

So, things are looking up on a personal level, even if this country is a shitshow. Now I just have to catch up with Nanowrimo.
kittydesade: Several shelves neatly stacked with balls of yarn, grouped by color family. (all your yarn are belong to me)
Thank you guys, by the way, the three of you who have left notes on my journal. I haven't had much energy to reply, but thank you. It helps.

(Heh. I spent most of yesterday being dizzy and falling over, and then this morning realized I'd lost five pounds in a week which is probably the cause, and, um. When I say I'm low energy I'm not even a little bit kidding. I should be more careful with myself. I'm just so very tired and sad.)

There's a whole lot of bad shit going on, but I have somewhat of a plan to help. Mostly by raising awareness, calling my Congressfolk (Republicans, I don't know that it'll do much good.)

I did figure out that, once I crawl out from under Nanowrimo and Christmas holing up and knitting, one thing I can do is probably use some of my absurd quantities of leather to make bracers as arm-shields against batons and things like that. It's not much but it's something. I also stress knit, I can knit absurd numbers of hats and gloves for people who need them. Hell, I can knit cute headbands to attach earplugs and earmuffs to for the LRADS. That's me, Quartermistress of the Apocalypse.

I don't know, honestly. I keep thinking of all the terrible things that can happen, and the terrible things that have. And I wonder if we can do anything about it. And then I read something like around 360 companies and investors have signed on to a letter asking? demanding? the Great Orange One to uphold the Paris pact on the environment and I think, okay, maybe we're only at Dubya levels of horrible, maybe we're not to Tangerine Mussolini yet. But then, Muslim registry and rolling back of LGBT protections and. Argh.

So, stress knitting. I haven't written or drawn anything yet but I have an hour and a half left of work in which very little of work is left to do, so let's see what happens. And if nothing else, lots of stress knitting.
kittydesade: A stack of old, slightly tattered cloth-bound hardbacks next to a porcelain cup of tea on a saucer (quiet day of reading)
Having a hard time believing me and mine aren't going to all die in the next four years. I kind of know what was the one that set it off, but also I'm just tired. I didn't sleep well last night. That's the case 2/3 of most nights.

I did have fun establishing and explaining the claymore mine theory of resistance to a friend today. You know how claymore mines say 'Front Towards Enemy'? (Maybe you don't, but google images will show you.) That's how I feel about all the simmering rage and shrieking going on; we can use it to shred each other, or we can accept that our allies are never going to be perfect, take a second to gently suggest that this is hurtful or that doesn't help or the other thing might be improved if they do this one small thing, and then drop it in favor of turning our spears on the side that literally wants to round us up and put us into internment or death camps. Seriously. This is what huge chunks of us are up against, so maybe instead of fucking around playing at juggling claymore mines we can face Front Towards Enemy and get something done. Anything. Please.

Trying to take back my life from this. I'm not going to capoeira tonight, I didn't sleep well enough that I think I can be that coordinated, but Saturday, at least, I can go to given that I can crash all day afterwards. Even if all I do is make Saturday classes for the next few weeks, I can do that. Baby steps.

I got almost all the writing done yesterday. I got all the Nano minimum, but I've been so out of it at the start of this month that I need to do more than that now to stay afloat. I did almost all my languages yesterday because I couldn't find my notes on the Hebrew alphabet oops. The funny part is I'm actually feeling better after thirty minutes (which does not give me confidence in my ability to stay out of the WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE pit) but I didn't bring my capoeira stuff now. Fuckit. But I will practice some tonight, which I haven't been doing because exhausted and root canal appointment. I will practice, because these are skills I want and need and they are who I want to be, dammit.

Still, obviously, swinging between paralyzing fear and sorrow/grief and anger and exhaustion. Sometimes a couple of those at once. Still here, still managing some degree of routines. Today that might be as much defiance as I'm capable of.
kittydesade: An open book with the top edge smouldering on fire (break my staff burn my book)
I'm looking over the Attorney General candidates, having called my Congresspersons this morning and told them DO YOU WANT A FUCKING LENINIST IN THE WHITE HOUSE only politer. So far I've heard Rudy Giuliani (ran New York City with a "goon squad", definitely a jackass, possibly has actual psychological problems of a diagnosis I don't know I'm not a doctor), Kris Kobach (currently working in the state of Kansas and a proponent of the dumbass wall, also has/pushes some of the most authoritarian, draconian immigration policies usually focused on punishing everyone else), and Jeff Sessions (denied a judgeship in the 80s for being a racist dick, haven't found anything current about him but the day is still young and I'm still at work. And then there's John Bolton, who might be the best of a bad lot.

And I'm writing scripts to deal with this that, I'm trying to stay away from THESE PEOPLE ARE HATEFUL ASSES WHO WANT ONLY WHITE MEN TO BE IN CHARGE even though I want to scream it from the heavens and have it be a valid reason to say no. But I'm trying. I was a little worried at how good I was getting at this until [personal profile] lireavue reminded me I come from a long line of skilled survivors and government workers and, you know, grew up in DC surrounded by politicians' children. I guess it's not that this is strange or unusual for me, it's that I rarely find it worth the effort to activate this part.

Mostly because I curate my internet experience for fun these days and I don't live around anyone I have to convince. Sigh. Maybe I should start re-cultivating that though. Bring those seeds out of the freezer.

Last root canal appointment today for the permanent filling yay! Dental insurance will probably reimburse me shit for that too, boo. ... I got nothing. It's over with YAY fuck off dental bills until my next cleaning.

I did manage to make minimums on Nano last night but little else. Hoping to do better tonight since I actually slept mostly through the night last night, even if I did get up at an absurd hour. And tomorrow is capoeira which, now that I've been off a week (again) I'm dragging my feet on going back to (again.) But I can't stay at home and sulk and cry for four years. In a practical sense, keeping up with a martial art will keep me fit and in shape and specifically capoeira teaches me to physically interact with someone in a way that encourages dodging and taking openings where you find them. And my mindset has never been difficult with transitioning from 'this is practice' to 'kick them through their ribs.' And in an emotional sense, fuck them I am not letting them lock me in my room to cry over the election results for four years fuck that.

And the rest... ergh. The rest is coming along? Bit by bit. I'm not entirely sure how to describe how I'm doing today. I definitely need to retool my daily routines to involve less energy, because they will. This is going to be hard. I'm putting a routine of two phone calls every third day or so to my congressmen (UGH) about one issue or another. If nothing else maybe I can Andy Dufrense them into hearing me. And then also there's the, we have no idea what's going to happen until January 20th when he actually takes power. And then all bets are off. So at this point that's stressing me out too, terrifying me.

I have to keep reminding myself there's no actual legal method for him to completely dissolve Congress and suspend the Constitution. At least as far as I know there isn't a way for him to suspend elections. Hell, they even had elections in the Civil War. He'd have to have the military, and as far as I know he has the military as the duly (ugh) elected President, but not their unwavering support. So.

I don't know. I'm deeply annoyed at having to spend at least the next four years tired and scared and angry. I can't even tell you. Even more annoyed that I have to do so and... fuck I don't know. I might at this rate go visit a synagogue because fuck you, you don't get to take my roots away from me or make me afraid to explore them.

I'm just low-key angry and high-key stressed, and on a national level everything fucking sucks.
kittydesade: (never deal with a dragon)
I'm here. I exist. I'm trying to pull together some fragments of normality after giving myself most of a shiva to mourn and feel sad and scared and exhausted. And I still feel exhausted. And I deeply, profoundly fucking resent that my energy levels aren't likely to return to optimal for four fucking years because of a tiny orange cheeto with delusions of competence.

I'm also being very careful about using the word 'normal' these days. I'm... I don't know. I have a family history with fascist regimes that isn't always the one people think (my family survived this and 75% of us died), but at some generations is. And sure, some things will be normal. I will get up and go to work. But in the overall I'm going to try very hard not to get complacent and accept the daily bred of Generalissimo Franco. Fuck Franco, fuck Lenin, fuck this guy.

Since other people, mostly the government, have cobbled together lists of congressfolk and relevant people there to call, I'm compiling a list of newspaper head offices/editor offices to call to say "Um, dude, would you please call the white supremacist a white supremacist" or equally importantly to call and say "Thank you for speaking the truth in this era of not entirely free press" or something like that. I haven't finished the page yet, but I made a start, there's some phone numbers and some guidelines. I'll try and bulk it up a bit and then link to it tomorrow.

I did not get to call my representatives this morning because I got absolute shit for sleep and was dragging all morning. Fortunately tomorrow I have to get up stupid early for the final root canal part yay. So my congressfolk can get the added benefit in addition to me wondering why the fuck they let him put a Leninist and a White Supremacist in a top advisory position, me being somewhat numbed and cranky and why the fuck do I have to have a root canal when my tooth doesn't even hurt.

Ugh. Everything is ugh, mostly. I haven't been able to write in a couple of days. I did manage some words yesterday, though. Let's see if I can keep that up.
kittydesade: (Default)
I'm so tired, you guys. I'm so, so tired. I'll be back when I can.
kittydesade: (every night i burn)
Okay, I did fail to get caught up yesterday, but I did get words written, and today seems still quiet so maybe something will happen today. Plus I have the Nano write-in I said I'd do, so that's a couple hours of dedicated time sitting and writing.

I did, at least, get languages in and chicken cut and groceries kind of shopped for (I didn't actually need groceries but I managed to get a couple good things, mostly fruit either for eating now or frozen, and avoid the temptation to get all of the candy) and all that other good stuff done last night, so that's good. Trying to get away from stress eating all the post-Halloween candy now that both Halloween is over and hopefully by tomorrow the stress is over too. We'll see.

Today's been a bit scattered. I didn't manage to pull my brain together to get more than three gesture drawings together and at least one of them was out front where all I had was a phone and a sketchpad and pencils. I mean later I did manage to pull myself together and do a five minute sketch (four minutes twenty seconds to be exact) of an owl, and I think I got most of the proportions right although I need to work on feather texture). But ugh.

I have no idea if I'm going to get words done today with the internet to distract me, and I have to figure out what a cure for faery lupus is. (Rather than being the autoimmune system attacking the body it's more the magical defense system attacking the body.) And I have to figure out a bunch of other stuff and I have no idea if I can do this. I have no idea if I can focus. Although being in the bookstore's coffee nook was helping, sort of.

All right. I've got another ten minutes here and then I will go home and put on Kung Fu Panda and there will be absurdity and fun and nothing will hurt until midnight when I start checking election returns. I hope. I hope I hope.
kittydesade: (not the woman)
And we're in the homestretch. And I still have to work and I want to spend the next couple of days drunk or asleep. Probably asleep since for all I complain loudly about not having the right alcohol for this, I very very rarely actually drink more than a cider or honey beer. The boy and I are anticipating election night violence and I can't tell if I want to keep an eye on it because I won't be able to take not knowing or if I'll be overwhelmed by the horror of what the fuck are you doing to my country.

And I wish I could be one of those people who are standing there looking around right now going "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN HERE" and I have no idea how to do that. Mostly for the last few years I've been standing around going "No no no no no no NO. NO. STOP." Or at least that's what it feels like. I'm so tired, you guys, I want to believe we can be better than this and probably most of us can! But fucking argh.

(Oh god, McCrory, my state's dirtbag sleaze-tactic-wielding governor bought and paid for by the GOP's lunatic fringe, his twitter team just tried to get me to vote early for him. I can't ... I don't even think there is early voting today. Scum. Fuck off.)

Okay. Deep breath. Good things.

I managed a good capoeira lesson on Saturday, including some assisted handstands/backbends? Back... rolls more than flips over someone, we all took turns being the human gym horse. So that was fun and I got some more exercises I can do and I really really need to start doing these at home augh. But I made it through that, and then I limped home and watched the last of Prison Break which makes even less sense than I thought for them to do a sequel series. I just. What. And it's been so long I don't know how they'd spin it as 'and this happened between the end of the series and the final scenes.'

I didn't get nearly as much Nanoing done over the weekend as I wanted, possibly because I was still resting from craft fair season but regardless, I need to get my ass moving now. But that shouldn't be too hard. I did get a bit of cleaning and laundry done, and I got a lot of physics notes copied over. I think most of what I did was relaxing, really. Which I probably did need. I hope that after election season is over this pile of depression-like symptoms will go the fuck away. I mean, it's not unreasonable for everyone in this country and maybe some people out of it to be suffering that way from US election bullshit. But I really, really hope that after the uncertainty is over and we know what we have to work with for the next while it'll go away.

I was in a good habit of gesture drawing for a while! And now not so much, I need to fix that. But... egh. I woke up this morning and while I really, really did not want to get out of bed, I did have more energy than the last few weeks to get up and out of bed, which I'm pretty sure is due to the presence of sunlight after the time change. So. We'll see how the next couple of week sgo, after the election. Currently... okay, let's review.

Currently my day is: get up, exercise, do household chores? The ones that take ten minutes or less. Do Duolingo and Memrise if it hasn't fucked itself over again. Shower, put on a face. Go to work. Do what writing, sketching, and occasional duolingo/memrise can be done at work while at work. Come home, dinner, do Arabic, Hindi, Japanese. Do writing. Scoop litter and wash face off, go to bed at a reasonable goddamn hour. Read books and knit in between all that. This seems doable? It's all on Habitica anyway, except the knitting and the book reading. So let's see if I can get this done most days over the next couple months. If not, I may need to re-evaluate at the... oh fuck. Is it the ninth year of Courtesan School almost already? Aaaaaugh. Augh. Augh. Courtesan life at this point. But augh.
kittydesade: (leaf in the wind)
So, um. That whole dental thing that was alternately freaking me out and annoying me? Yeah, it turns out that at least on the first visit the endodontist did... something? I have no idea what or how considering my plan numbers were only quasi-legible. And yesterday a check came in the mail reimbursing me for the insurance portion of the exam. Which was less than half of it because dental insurance is a fucking train wreck, but still. That... okay? I mean, at that rate I'm going to wait another two weeks and see if a check turns up for the first chunk of the root canal, and then if it doesn't then I guess I'll call them. Just. Weird. But in a good way. Between that and the lower premium for next year's health care, things are looking up in the finances department.

So the Cubs won the World Series (which of course some wit on Twitter wondered aloud why it was the World Series when 95% of the teams are American) and there was much rejoicing because the boy was originally from Chicago. The other hilarious part was when I decided to put on Cubs makeup (Fyrinnae's Midnight Dreary and Femme Fatale's now discontinued Ruby Wings) for the boy, and later ended up chatting with the braintwin and she completely independently mentioned better go put on the Midnight Dreary. Because apparently we have the same idea of what constitutes Cubs blue makeup.

Today my work at my day job involves knitting and tidying. I can live with this. There's a couple of yarns that they want me to sample-knit and I'm almost the only knitter with working hands today, certainly the only one who isn't busy now that shipping's quieted the hell down. And then the tidying is just because I haven't been keeping up with it over craft fair season.

Did make it through capoeira last night although it was awkward because Groot started us off with running and because I've been unusually active the last year and a half I decided this was fine! (VO: It was not fine.) And so after maybe an eighth of a mile's worth of running around the room I collapsed wheezing like I always do, and that brought me down to maybe half wind the rest of the practice. Still. I got some things to remember and practiced a bunch of basics I could have stood to practice, and got to see people. And ended up making ridiculous numbers of dirty jokes with das Deutschkind because... I don't remember what motion it was but she said something about scissor (there is actually a capoeira move/stance called 'scissor' in portuguese) and we looked at each other and busted up laughing. It got worse from there. So that was a lot of fun.

And writing continues not quite at the pace that it needs to be at to make word count for the year, but close. More than, at the pace I need to maintain to finish Nanowrimo for the year. So things are looking up, apart from the election stress which is going to give me ulcers, or would if ulcers were a thing you get from stress.

No, what I need to do is do more capoeira exercises while I'm at home, even if it's just ten minutes at a time. And keep doing writing and crafts and for the love of all that is stable and even keep off of Five Thirty Eight ugh.
kittydesade: Stippled light shining through curtains onto a couch or bed bracketed by white pillows. (hideaway)
After two straight days of being able to sleep until I woke up I goddamn miss it. Grr. I mean I'm getting better about going to bed at a reasonable hour but still.

Did manage to get my dumb ass through open enrollment in the ACA program thingie last night, which resulted in a lower premium than currently. Which was amazing. It's not everything that's wrong with my budget but it's a chunk of the wrong that I couldn't control (and wasn't due to my own dumbassery) so, I'll take it. I should this morning also call the dental insurance agency argh. Maybe when I get to work. I'm just really not at all sanguine about that process.

The election continues to weigh on me and make me all kinds of anxious and sad and really fucking furious. I mean on the plus side I have lots to occupy me for the next week of knitting and Nanowrimo writing and so on even if it's not craft fair season anymore, but it continues to stress me.

(I was discussing the FBI clusterfuck on Twitter with a friend and did have a moment of feeling exactly how skewed I am in the knowledge I take for granted. She asked something about who oversees the FBI's handling of things and I said Congress, even though I thought it was a rhetorical Who Watches the Watchers type question. It wasn't rhetorical. I had a weird childhood okay.)

I did see Bat Cat today for what apparently is the first time in a few days, so the boy says. I got to pet him but scared him with my backpack falling off my shoulder, and then Barton came up so I rolled the boy out of bed to feed Bat Cat at the side door since I was off to work. I really do love having a feral clowder in addition to my homebound clowder. Just because yay more cat attention without the additional smell and mess of having cats that live in the home.

Knitting is coming along somewhat, I'm sleeping better? Mostly better? I don't know why, I'm not doing much different, but I am sleeping better. I also don't want to go to capoeira today, but that's every day after I miss one class and/or if I don't keep up my exercises during the week, which I haven't had the energy to do for a few weeks. We'll see how it goes. Also being on the crappier medication for my asthma is not helping. But work is quiet in my particular section which on the one hand means motivating myself to go work other areas (I'm bad at motivating myself right now, still the election) and on the other hand means I can balance writing with everything else more. Nanowrimo is on schedule, which since it's day 2 it's not much of an accomplishment, but every little bit helps. I do need to get moving on other stuff, but ugh. Craft fair season just ended and I dealt with insurance stuff, self, these are not excuses, these are legitimate reasons and you are doing this around your day job. That means things happen more slowly.

(I am so stressed and so tired and so down on myself even though I feel at a normal keel. I can't wait till this bullshit is over.)
kittydesade: (nameless is dubious)
I exist I swear. And I had fun and funny things to say about yesterday and unpacking from the show but I can't for the life of me remember what they were except oh thank god it's over.

Halloween happened! (Samhain happened too, but more quietly.) I think we had fewer kids than last year, which in retrospect had Halloween on a Friday, but we also had to compete with church functions which apparently one of those functions was to keep kids off the sidewalks. We were also one of the only houses on our stretch of block to be lit up for trick or treating. What's up with that. We gave away less candy partly because fewer kids but also because two thirds of the kids, instead of the usual grab a handful I remember if the person offered out the bowl, took one piece. Who does that? I ask you. We even asked them "no, it's okay, you can take a handful" but no, one piece was sufficient thank you very much. It's free candy, kids! I have no idea.

Oh well? Lots of leftover candy for Nanowrimo. Which is here! And me with a sore wrist already. Although going by the first frenzy of packing and tape gun madness and so on typing doesn't aggravate whatever's causing this kind of soreness, so I should be all right as long as I don't type too much in any one stretch, and maybe use the dictation program some.

Trying not to think too much about politics. I am the most annoyed at the gnawing fear and upset creeping up some more though. The most annoyed. And even after the election, it's not going to automagically bottle up all the hatred of the 'other' that Trump's stirred up in straight white cismen. And now we all still have to deal with that to one extent or another. I just. Argh. A Latino guy had six cops called on him because two Spirit Halloween employees didn't want to return a light bulb, and if he'd been black they probably would have killed him. Over a fucking light bulb. Meanwhile in a study that surprises no one, hatred of women is a strong predictor of supporting Trump. I am so, so fucking tired of being hated for the stupidest of reasons that is nothing I can do anything about.

I do need to get my health care stuff taken care of though. Woke up at 5.30-5.45 in the fucking morning today, for no readily apparent reason, so the hour or so I would have spent threading the wonderful world of dental insurance I instead spent sleeping. Tonight, though, I will try the open enrollment because fuck everything I want that over with. If I'm very lucky my premiums will be less ridiculous than they are this year. I am healthy with one chronic condition, I take two regular medications, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I exercise, I see the doctor once a year for a physical. Possibly slightly more than that in the future to keep up with said chronic condition but that means at most four times a year for fifteen minutes three of those visits. I should not be fucking paying this much for health insurance. I would accept higher than seems reasonable if it were a single payer system and I was paying taxes for health care for everyone, but fuck you all you are a business trying to sell me a product and I am saving you money, do something for me. At the very least cover more of my fucking asthma medication.

I should have less angry and more happier things for you here but I have five knitting projects on needles right now because of this stress. I guess, happier is that I did fix my spinning wheel? I found out when I went to spin on it again that one of the treadle connectors should have been replaced when I replaced the other one, oops. But that got fixed with the help and steady patience and better functioning wrist of the boy, and I think that's all the moving parts that need replaced for a good long while. So I have spinning, I have sewing I really really really need to do. I have things to occupy me that are not politics! And stories to write, for Nano and otherwise. OH SO MANY STORIES DO I HAVE.
kittydesade: (every night i burn)
I did actually wake up on time this morning... and then it was cold and I crawled back under the covers and promptly fell asleep till almost 8 again. The root canal hit my credit card bill which makes me want to scream and sob and I am so bad with money you guys. So bad. I just. Ugh. I need to deal with the insurance people so I can get it off my credit card but I don't want to deal with the insurance people, and it's not even my entire credit card bill, the rest is me being bad with money, so imagine how much I hate myself because of that. And definitely by this point some of the weight I've gained back is useless bulk and not muscle. And I came in to work to another major wholesale order on top of the show doing a huge chunk of money in the first two hours which means it is going to be busy this weekend, which is good except so tired, you guys, I'm so goddamn tired. I turned off Twitter early because I couldn't stand to see the shitshow that is current news.

I'm going to try to post some good things here later today for my own sake if nothing else, but here is checking in to say I feel tired and hopeless and bad at everything and good at nothing today.

Better things: I did some surprisingly good gesture drawings of ravens today. Gesture drawings are, if I have this definition correctly, for directionality and movement and so on rather than accuracy to visuals? Or maybe that's a bad comparison, but the most relevant part is that they're meant to be done quickly. So I put up a stopwatch and did four minute or less drawings of ravens that I was surprised how happy with them I was. With a fude pen, so I'm still getting used to that and I might do some linework practice after, but it helps me feel better and like spending money on drawing supplies and the fude pen (yes I know it wasn't expensive but I'm having that kind of money weasels right now) was worth it. And this is something I can do, five minutes of five drawings or more in a day, to practice.

I got ten pages of editing done for the first time in a while. And I remembered that some times, some places, I really do like what I've written. Enough to push through the times I don't get it right enough in the first draft and I have to spend a second and third draft on it.

It turns out I might not be needed over the weekend except for packing up at the end of the show, which is absolutely amazing. Along with the take we're pulling in, so I can live with this. I can really get behind this.
kittydesade: Quote "I have a headache, a badge, and a gun. Behave." (headache badge gun)
Comics twitter even more tiring today, am considering taking an early weekend off Twitter except I also want to write and publish and advertise a story there so. Meh. But just today alone apparently:

-- comics are the last safe place for men (I wonder how he feels about safe spaces)
-- women are just bad at comics writing or drawing because of reasons
-- women have novels they don't need to take over comics too
-- men have more right to comics than women
-- but he wants politics kept out of his comics so all this misogyny is... what? social dynamics?

I just. I'm so tired you guys. I'm tired from craft fair season, I'm tired of my brain telling me I'm weak because I'm tired and getting less of my usual stuff done, and I'm tired of this bullshit misogyny and all these men with their penises (because in my experience men without penises aren't nearly this exhausting in this particular way) hating me or wanting to dictate my interests to me because I'm a woman. I'm just fucking tired.

Better things. I've finally after oh, six weeks? Made some few cosmetic fixes to my website. I still need to fix some of the other graphics but eh, this will do for now unless I get a burst of inspiration.

Packing, moving, just about everything for the show is done as far as that goes, which means granted that we get to unpack and put it all away Sunday and Monday, but at least for the moment all that's left to be done is put all hands on deck to handle customers for the next few days, and I am only one pair of hands no matter how much they might want me to be otherwise. And honestly that's somewhat more restful.

I have a healthy dinner waiting for me at home. Since I didn't go to capoeira after all I managed to put together a lasagna, half with mozzarella and parmesan only because the boy has Opinions and half with ricotta as well because so do I. Yes, our opinions might differ just some of the way as far as what goes in a proper lasagna.

And the work day's almost done. And it's Thursday so the week's almost over, and then the weekend is the fiber fair craft fair thing, and then supposedly after that it's a normal week and, you know. Nanowrimo. Fuck, I need to get my stories lined up for that. But basically after that the only reason I will be running around like a squirrel on Jolt is because of things i do to myself and can put down if they get too stressful. So this is a very good thing.
kittydesade: (nameless is dubious)
Well, the craft fair is packed up and headed off to but I am physically and emotionally exhausted. My executive function meter is down in the yellow if not the orange/red and I seriously doubt if I'm going to make it to capoeira tonight. Or even if I do, if I'm going to be able to do anything there. I went to bed on time! I did! And I woke up on time and my body went nope you're going to sleep for another hour and a half.

I don't like this. I'm really, really tired of this, but I don't see an alternative. And I'm really, really annoyed at whatever corner of my brain is saying "you're just lazy you can totally do this and everything else in your life" NO shut up you stupid voice what the hell. I was moving, literally, several hundred pounds of merchandise yesterday, pretty much by myself, in addition to handling the logistics of packing and moving several thousand dollars worth of merch and I am fucking tired. Argh. Voices can go away. Obligations can go away. I do wish I was capable of doing things like capoeira anymore, but god I'm tired.

I might go anyway to watch and maybe sketch the outline of the movements and do some things very, very slowly. That I can do, I'm less physically exhausted than I was yesterday. Just ... burned out.

Maybe the better part of valor is to rest and try not to overwhelm my mind, either. I don't know.

I usually sleep 7 hours in a winter night (winter here defined as anywhere from after DragonCon to around April?) and last night I crashed around 11.30 and I got out of bed today at 8. So, yeah.

I did manage, somehow, yesterday, in all the ridiculousness, to get up a Halloween short story for Nerd Girls and my website, so if you enjoy teen girl centered fic, check it out! Quiet in the Library, based on this tumblr post because my brain goes a mile a minute sometimes and yes, there will be a sequel. Because tumblr. Actually I kind of want to go through my plotbunnies tag on tumblr and just start a story for all of them. I might do that. Someday. Ever. If I ever have energy.

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