Jul. 7th, 2027 05:33 pm
kittydesade: (to-do list)
For when I have free money, or to save up for these things:

Much needed:
New jazz sneakers
2 pair blue sweats

Dreamstime credits
Bullet earrings. Any kind. (Etsy)
Microwave heated slippers (size 6/7)
Look at your Etsy wish list
Look at your Modcloth wish list
Look at your makeup spreadsheet

These in all colors but the light gray and dark brown.
Black Magic or Mad Science shirt
This goes over a unitard
You need this t-shirt in your life.
Jeans that are not simple Lands End/LL Bean
Gerber Steadfast
Shoe storage

Graphic Novels
Leaving Megalopolis
Secret Six: Friends in Low Places
Hawkeye: My Life As A Weapon
Hawkeye: Little Hits
Hawkeye: LA Woman
kittydesade: A delicate hand reaching up to pluck fruit from a tree (give me the fucking fruit)
Well, I started what I thought was going to be a drabble based on this idea/prompt, and then it's about 2.5k and growing and no one is shutting up. This is going to turn into a recurring character and I just figured out the punch line and someone stop me.

I keep having urges to start sweaters which, oh god, no, self. If you really want to work on an endless yarn project why not get back to the Celestarium? Which I might do tonight along with some Prison Break, but still, oh hell no. Work down the queue. Especially the five plus two projects for the boy as a softer yarn experiment seven things you have in the pipe. No sweaters right now. Please. Don't be ridiculous. You only have two hands and they can only be used so much and besides it's craft fair season, you're going to be tired as hell.

There, now the two boyfriend ones have also been added to my queue so I remember what the hell I was meaning to do after I finished things here.

(Only 4k. But the punch line was done, albeit somewhat clumsily, and the poor bastard is getting turned into a recurring character and introduced to so much anime.)

Stuff is happening in the comics world that, apart from making me glad I no longer collect from the Big Two, is reminding me how fucked up my body image was as a teen pretty much solely due to comics. I thought I should be all cool looking like the X-kids in the comics, and these were really ... sexy teenagers. I had issues. I hated how I looked because I didn't look like them. Granted, this had about as much effect on my life and my eating habits as it does now (hah my sense of physical self and esteem thereof is utterly disconnected from my eating habits) but still. And even more so when a teenager and full of emotions! and hormones! and other things like that! And I just. Nngh. Can we not do that to teens these days. I know we didn't used to think about such things but we are now, and can we not.

Plus side, this is making me want to draw my Nerd Girls, which I might actually do this time. We'll see how well this ends up, I don't entirely trust it. Or my drawing ability, heh. But this time I have the ability to look for references, so hopefully it'll turn out well.

Deutschkind introduced me to Sakamichi no Apollon the other night. That was... weird, but also kind of cute and full of jazz, which made me happy. And then we all introduced ourselves to Shannara, which turned into a huge snarkfest because the only one of us who had read the books had done so ages ago and so none of us had any idea what was going on. We came out of it deciding that Manu Bennett and John Rhys Davies had been lovers, should totally kiss, Will is a goober who should not be the protag, Chosen One and wosserwhoever the other girl is, the blonde, are lesbian bondage girlfriends, and the rest of the men are by and large almost interchangeable. Or at least we couldn't distinguish them one from the other. Still, I'm actually looking forward to Thursday snarkwatching of it. I don't think I'll read the books because the parts that probably translate to text don't interest me, but everyone is very pretty and very active which is encouraging me to be active and practice capoeira at home, which is good, and I'm developing an unreasonable fixation on Manu Bennett. Sadly I've also already seen all of Spartacus, all of his chunk of Arrow, and I think Shannara is the only major thing that's left. Sadface. Manu Bennett be in more things I can access.
kittydesade: (courtesan in training)
Craft fair season is going to kill me. actually, no, wait. Back up.

So, yesterday for whatever reason I was exhausted for most of the day, dragging around pulling things from the store to pack for the SouthEastern Animal Fiber Fair and building kits for same and so on and so forth. And I was seriously considering pulling out of capoeira that night except then Groot showed up with Guy From Brasilia to introduce us and say hi and be all "You're coming to class tonight right? :D :D :D" Look, you just don't say no when Groot does :D at you. There are reasons I call him Groot.

So that happened. And while it was a fairly intensive class it wasn't actually that bad. Groot and Puck got to do the really hard complicated routines involving maneuvers I haven't managed to fluidly do repeatedly yet, and Deutschkind and I got to do "here do meia-lua de costa 20 times correctly" because apparently we've been getting small things wrong the whole time and so he corrected our positioning and our landing and we did it twenty times. Which was good! But also exhausting.

(Deutschkind may get another name but she's German fluent the way I'm Spanish fluent if not slightly better, and she is tiny, so right now she is Deutschkind and we should really practice our languages off of each other. I accidentally a friend! Yay!)

But then today was even more packing for SAFF and more kit making and then tromping off to vote and my legs are killing me, and I am fucking exhausted. And all I want to do is curl up on the couch and knit, which, okay, most of what I want to do I can do from the couch but I need to do my languages, my sketching, and my writing because by the time I get home I will not have done much of that. But on the plus side I can do most of it from the couch. Exercise today is going to be largely yoga and stretching because fucking ow and my body is fucking done with me not treating it properly. I.e. exercising it. Fuck you too body, I will feed you protein when I get home.
kittydesade: (irksome)
So I tried the new bedtime thing on the iPhone last night. I think it kind of worked? Difficult to tell without further data, a data point of one isn't very useful. But then this morning my alarm went off and I smacked it and lay in bed dozing for another few minutes, and these birds outside my window wouldn't fucking shut up. Which isn't unusual except that it's mid-October, but not unusual in general, there is a regular nest of birds every spring literally outside the balcony door. Under the eaves of the house, so I'm all "jesus fuck birds, don't you know it's almost winter why the fuck are you so cheerful."

Then I realized it wasn't birds outside my window. Or even at the back of the house. It was birds in my fucking phone. It turns out the bedtime app includes the alarm to wake up when you said you wanted to wake up function. So, birds. I gotta say though, as an addition to my usual alarm it is pretty effective in annoying me into getting up.

Still kind of feel half asleep now that I'm at work though, which probably has less to do with how much sleep I did or didn't get and more to do with binging sugar so I can get through all the craft show prep and then crashing like a motherfucker.

I had the semi-random impulse to write smut yesterday, which was funny both in that it was only semi random because there's at least two couples in various projects I'm working on that I want to just pull their heads out of their asses (they won't, at least one half of one of them dies, so) and in that it led to cobbling together out of discarded pieces and half-formed other character ideas, a whole other novel project. Oops. Braintwin can't even yell at me about this one because she was right there with me the whole time mua ha ha ha ha.

No, writing's going all right. I'm working on things, I'm even working on things despite the fact that I'm fucking exhausted. No idea how, but I am. Forward momentum. I'm going to get home tonight and I'm going to crash so hard I might fall asleep over my knitting. It's okay, crafts show month is almost over. And then it's Nanowrimo and Christmas in retail, heh.
kittydesade: (i'm no angel (nopejr))
I was fine this morning until I got on Twitter and now I think I need Henry Rollins to shout at me every day for at least an hour until the election. And then maybe fifteen minutes a day for several weeks afterwards. I just. Ugh. People. Can we not?

I was going to do Inktober catchup yesterday and then ended up being mostly horizontal all day (which led to going to bed early being utterly fucking useless since I tossed and turned for an hour and a half but oh well) or at an angle such that I could both almost fall asleep and knit. Plus side, I did prove the concept of the fixes [personal profile] lireavue started and I finished on the pattern of irritating, so by our powers combined we have achieved a full fancy ostrich mitts pattern. Go us. At some point I will do it for real on a ball of cotton that is not a giant snarled mess but right now I'm happy to set that to hibernate and work on other projects.

Ugh, and then a tweet of mine complaining that George Zimmerman's road rage opponent got 20 years and, well, we all know how that ends, but it grew legs and now I have to listen to idiot strangers tell me I'm a perfect example of how women prioritize emotion over facts. Fortunately I gain some small satisfaction from prioritizing literally everything else over answer him so. That's what the mute button is for!

That's what my endless pile of shit I have to get done is for too, heh. Lots of languages. I need to either admit that Murderboarding is no more or get back to Helix, which may happen tomorrow night but more likely this weekend since it might be the first weekend in three weeks where I get an actual weekend. I have vague intentions of getting another couple of hours of overtime in but other than that I can go home and be flat and do flat things. Um. I need to fix that one thing in Sandborn so I can publish it. I have Habitica lists for this, dammit.

Anyway. At this rate though I may just try to stay off Twitter even if I leave it open until after the election, because I have enough shit to do to keep being my awesome self and if I don't keep being my awesome self Henry Rollins will come shout at me some more. Or something.
kittydesade: Several shelves neatly stacked with balls of yarn, grouped by color family. (all your yarn are belong to me)
I did try pulling on my black skinny jeans. They were about an inch too tight, also known as "okay I've been binging on the baked goods/fatty sweets too much" too tight (I have two kinds of binge, baked goods/candy with LOTS of sugar/flour/fat, or the kind of candy that's basically flavoring and sugar and some gelatin to hold it together. The former leads to me gaining unhealthy bulk usually around the tummy, the latter doesn't lead to bulk but does cause funky taste bud things where it gets harder to eat healthy because everything tastes blegh, and also fun [not fun] sugar highs and crashes. Slowly, I learn not to do these things.)

Anyway. So! The black skinny jeans were "Okay stop with the cookie dough already" too tight. But I also tried on my Vash the Stampede shirt which has always been a little tight and so I've worn it maybe two-three times? Fits fine. Am wearing it to work. Along with another pair of skinny jeans that fits perfectly and I probably could peel off without undoing, despite that these just came out of the dryer yesterday. I haven't weighed myself because fuck the scale anyway, and in short bodies are weird and the ways in which we measure them are stupid.

And I guess the other conclusion I should draw from this (no I am not going to stop with the cookie dough already have you met me?) is that I should continue doing my morning routine and build my exercise back up to full 45 minute sessions if I really want to become badass. Right now they're about 10-20 minute sessions because capoeira is ... kind of bad for me? In the sense that I decide four hours of intense exercise in two sessions per week is enough exercise for one week therefore I don't need to get up and allocate time for it in the mornings. No, self. If I want to be Lara Croft I need to actually use that time I allocated for exercise, for the exercise and not for laying in bed playing video games. That's another time.

Okay, the Lara Croft thing. So while the braintwin and I were discussing what the fuck how have I gained ten pounds and not changed shape much at all, she asked me how much muscle I had left to "convert" (for a not actually literal value of converting) to fat, and I guestimated, and a few minutes later in the conversation realized that even if I do get the six pack and the toned thighs, I am probably never going to lose these D+ tits. Probably DD+ tits. I will end up looking like a video game character because I will be muscle muscle tone tone muscle muscle TITS. Thus, the Lara Croft thing. Although I'd much rather be Faye Valentine.

Thus concludes the periodic bitching about my body, image, weight, size, what the fuck is going on here.

Still pissed about the alternative inhaler that my insurance will cover not working as well as the other one though.

Seeing The Nose went well! I think I... what's the stage between making a new friend and... I don't know what happened. I think the friendship leveled up! And also The Nose was fairly surreal, and also very Russian. I don't know how to explain Russian as an adjective, just that if you read Russian literature or watch Russian movies or talk to Russians a lot or any of those things, there becomes an ineffable quality that you can only define as "Russian." The Nose was Very Russian. Which is only to be expected since it was written by one and the opera was staged by them. So. But it was fun. And there was some digressing into declaiming absurdist and Shakespearean theatre in the public square. And also Beowulf. I really need to see if that awful Christophe Lambert Beowulf is available in any format I can make them watch it on, because I need to inflict that Beowulf on more people now. It is impressively bad.

Speaking of impressively bad, I have decided to go argue with the pattern [personal profile] lireavue's been yelling at for the past while if only to see where it fucked up and how I can create the effect/fix the stupid thing. Because it looks pretty! I just. What. Really. So I am following it direction by direction explicitly (except for the part where it says dpns because no, I am doing two circs dammit) and seeing where that takes me and where the first "wait I can't do that what the fuck" is. And then fixing that, and then going back and starting from the beginning again, I guess. Argh.

Knitting is fun. Math is fun. Knitting math is sometimes fun. This pattern is strange and irksome and I wish to untangle it.

(No word on writing projects for today yet, this may get updated as stuff happens.)

(Still definitely need a knitting icon OOH WAIT I KNOW.)
kittydesade: (ta-da!)
So, I think it's time to admit that my current plan for Inktober isn't working and that I should just draw in ink as my wandering brain becomes inspired for it. I don't know if it would have taken me this long to figure it out if I hadn't had dental fuckery plus a six day work week, but c'est la vie. I have an idea for today's Inktober and I'm going to draw it because I can. So there.

Switching to a smaller needle on the Falling Waters scarf does seem to be helping maybe more my state of mind than my knitting. I'm not used to lace knitting and I keep thinking that the parts that aren't yarnovers should be tighter closed and so on, and I'm pretty sure that's not how it works. Plus I've seen pictures of before and after blocking, and blocking helps. Still. Argh nerves. And the conviction that I suck at this and should stick to cables and colorwork.

Though speaking of knitting frustrations, now the boy says even the superwash merino is too scratchy and aaaaargh. Argh. Argh argh argh we wouldn't have this problem if you would stop throwing all the knitted stuff in the wash and I could make you silk blend and alpaca and so on. No? No. So I'm trying a Unicorn Fiber Rinse that supposedly soften things up, trying that on the superwash merino, and getting an acrylic blend to see if that's soft enough, and if not I'm out of ideas and does anyone have any recommendations? (This is entirely down to my persistence in hand-knitting him things too, it wouldn't be that bad if I wouldn't insist on that, but my brain works in mysterious ways.)

For your moment of random wtf are bodies and scales, I now weigh ten pounds heavier than I did at my lowest average and yet I pretty much still fit into all my clothes, as far as I can tell my body looks the same, I have no idea what the fuck or ... the obvious answer is I'm gaining muscle prodigiously or at least a fair bit of muscle over time, but how. How much muscle can I even gain? What the hell is going on here, body? What are you even doing? I'm a little chagrined because ZOMG gaining weight oh no, but at the same time the fact that I can shuck my skinny jeans off (albeit stretched between washings) without undoing them helps my self-esteem and brain loads. I may try pulling on my black skinny jeans tomorrow, since they haven't been worn since they were washed and are therefore the most shrunk and were always the most smallest. If I can fit into those as easily as I could when I was at my lowest I have no idea what the fuck is even going on.

(I also need to stop eating cookie dough, but I've been being a lot more moderate about that and mindful of the sugar/carb highs and crashes than I used to be. So pbbtththth.)

(... also if I really am gaining muscle that's definitely a boost to my self-esteem, even if it makes the cognitive mess a bit worse for a while.)

Working on the Black Ice wiki is definitely giving me words for my word count and doing the useful job of putting words down where I can conveniently find them again, but it's not making me feel like I've done anything useful, writing wise, in the day. So I think the solution here is to make word count with the Wiki or get close to it, and then find an hour in the day and work on one or two stories and however much I get written there, I get it written. That way I have progress in one area that feels genuine and progress in working up to Nanowrimo. We'll see how that goes! Edits still have been happening, albeit more slowly than I want, but at least they've been happening.

Good things though. I'm learning, I think, the benefits of knitting lace on lace needles (it makes the stitches a bit tighter when it's just plain stitching? I think? I feel incredibly stupid for not automagically knowing this but then I try to remember that in this way I am one of today's lucky 10,000, and lucky again for discovering this on the first piece of lace I'm really trying to do.) I seem to be making a capoeira friend more conveniently? closely? I don't know, it'd be good to have a local girlfriend! I don't know where it bumps up against the limits of my social, but it'd be good! And. And I don't know. Life's been doing the weird thing of being good in a lot of small ways and then root canal and then more good. So I'm very confused. And I still need knitting icons.
kittydesade: A small stack of books tied together with string, a blue book is the top book with a card with a blue heart on top. (always something to be read)
I am on the needles of a dilemma here, although I think I've solved it by the simple expedient that I can't fucking trust the boyfiend not to wash my precious knitted things so everything has to be superwash yarn. Grump grump grumble. But, so, okay, the dilemma is this. I'm working on Celestarium again and when that's done I had the brilliant idea that I would start up another Celestarium, maybe without beads this time (or at least without beads at the time) with switching the color of the yarn to a rainbow pattern. I would call it Bifrost.

I found a sale on Webs for some superwash worsted and superwash DK in various colors for less than 4$ per ball, ending today, but I also have undesignated as yet Hikoo Sueno which is also superwash and kind of more expensive but I have three skeins already and would only need two more to make five colors which is probably enough for a minimal Bifrost. But if I got some of the yarn from Webs I could make a 7-8 color Bifrost for the same money and have the Sueno left over for later and. I DON'T KNOW. Dilemma. Decisions. Argh.

(It doesn't help that this is one of the immediate buy-now-or-pay-more-later sales and I'm trying to only do one indulgence per paycheck, I was already going to do two this paycheck because the face soap I use is on sale, this would make three whole indulgences.)

(None of which are very expensive I'm just being super responsible-spending conscious right now. And it's entirely possible the same sales or a cheating equivalent thereof [buying through the store] will exist later. Benefits to working in a family LYS.)

Mostly I just really like the idea of doing a Bifrost star shawl.

Changing around my languages to the evening will, I think, work as long as I do them around dinner, when I get home. That seems to be when my mind is sharpest and when I'm least likely to run into time crunch issues so I can spend an amount of time on each language and not worry about it. Plus it's a good way to wind down from the stresses of the day, doing languages always cheers me up even if it makes me swear at all the sounds I can't make because I didn't grow up speaking this language.

Writing continues apace. Other stuff continues apace, it's almost time for craft fair season which means I am making ALL the freaking kits. Which I should actually get back to. I'm not sure, the stuff I'm talking about most often now is knitting simply because otherwise, what, I say "I got X words done today in this project, finished this, did that." I'm not having any major revelations about any project or editing, is what I'm saying. Other than if I want two boring male stoic protagonists in search of a manic pixie dream girl who fall in love I may have inadvertently written them in the novels I'm working on/just published. Oops.

(I also need to get back to doing some intensive reading, but I think I've only just started to regain the most basic of routines post-DragonCon, so. Maybe over the course of the next ten days.)
kittydesade: (Default)
So yes, as expected I do need a root canal. Whine groan moan complain. Bitch about money. It's definitely not even the pain I'm afraid of at this point, it's the money and the oh god calling insurance companies because apparently I have to file this one myself. Don't wanna. I guess tonight I look through the paperwork because it's entirely possible they only said that because my dental insurance card is illegible at this point. And if all I have to do is get my information off a statement and give it to them, EASY YES HERE FINE THAT'S FINE.

Ugh. I hate bureaucracy. I hated it when I was buying my dream house (not that I was thinking of it that way at the time but I think it really is) and I hate it every year when I do the stupid open enrollment health insurance bullshit, and I hate it when I do my taxes, and I'm dreading doing it with the flinging my dentist bill at my insurance going pay it you fuckers what do I pay you for. You don't even pay for half my fucking cleanings. Dental insurance is bullshit and this is not a civilized country.

Aaaargh. I mean I actually think that's the worst thing going on in my life right now, and it's not that bad, family will help pay for what insurance doesn't, but aaaargh. I can't stop stressing. Or wanting to do behaviors to ease that stress like buy things or eat all the cookie dough, and no, self. No.

Maybe this is an opportunity to train myself into writing or brainstorming or editing when I get stressed. I'm about halfway? Ish? through edits in Turing Shrugged, though that might be inflated because the damn thing ended before I'd hit my estimated word count goal for Camp Nano and I ended up writing about one-two thousand words of porn for filler. yes, really. But close to halfway, so that's good, and writing is sort of coming. I think I've figured out what I'm working on for the next two months anyway. And I damn well need to get better about self promotion. Talk about Sandborn more on Twitter. Bring the stupid postcards in to work and put them out with the rest of the advertising.

One thing at a time in the meantime. Eat lunch, finish studying Duolingo which now includes Hebrew because why the hell not I'm a masochist. Day job. And one writing or editing task at a time. Bit by bit. I'm at a point I think where I'm excessively easy to caterpillar, and I don't like this.
kittydesade: (hey dude)
Rather amused that as I skim around on Network, I see at least three people who are also perked up talking about their fiber interests. 'tis the season for all of the knitting! I have also now made a "Fuck Off" color chart, because I was curious to see if I could put that on the Heartskull hat instead of skulls (yes) and a color chart for that triangles and circles Scarback symbol from Killjoys. Because I am nothing if not a ginormous dork. It's a bit crude, I need more space or more colors, but it'll do for a start.

In less cheerful news, tomorrow is the endodontist appointment or however the hell you spell that, go away red squiggly line. And I know it's just a diagnostic exam, but I do not want at all and ugh. I don't want to get up that early. The only part of this I want at all is the comfort that at this time tomorrow it'll be over. Though probably not over for good because they still have to fix whatever's wrong. I just. Why do we even have these stupid frail human bodies anyway? Also I'm very tired.

I'm hoping I'm just tired because it's a cool fall and I had a six day work week followed by a day of doing lots of household chores and not actually resting. Otherwise I'm going to be profoundly cranky.

(And I'm so behind on Inktober. Need to fix that. Need to stop being so picky, this is practice, not something someone's paying cashy money for or expecting you to do to a certain standard.)

I did manage to figure out a way to get my knitting done instead of starting twenty projects though. Or twenty of the same basic project. Which is to say I have one TAKES FOREVER All-The-Yarn project that I work on at home around bedtime or during watching binges, and then I have a couple quickish projects like hats or gloves that I can work on and finish relatively quickly, and have if not instant gratification than soon gratification on. Right now the projects are the Celestarium shawl which I have abruptly picked back up and become determined to finish, the Falling Waters scarf, and my afghan squares because while the afghan itself takes a relative amount of time, the squares are easy and fast. Hah.

Now if only I could figure out how to make the writing go the same fast. (Hint: It works better when my work week isn't half sit-out-front-at-the-desk and six days long. Ugh. I mean I understand why, and in the overall it's fair that everyone should get a nice vacation, but I'm going to bitch anyway.)

Apropos of absolutely nothing I started watching Salem over the weekend. Ames from Human Target is in it. Now I want to rewatch all the Guerrero.
kittydesade: A blue-and-white toned picture of a many-masted galleon (bring me that horizon)
Okay, so I think at this point I just have to give up on the long cherished idea that I'm getting to bed at any point before midnight, because I as far as I can tell I keep trying that every year and it keeps not happening. Soooo... what, new fall/winter plan I guess is to get up, capoeira/dance exercises only as far as morning goes, and small language practices like Duolingo and Memrise, and then three rounds of language practice in the evening. Preferably during/after dinner so I can get that over with and not attempt to brain towards the end of the evening.

Other than that I am, miraculously, slowly getting back into routines. I've made or exceeded word count the past few days, both daily (1k) and proprtional (according to the spreadsheet) to make word count for the year. I've gotten at least some edits in on a novel, and I've been knitting and things. The only thing I haven't been keeping up with is Murderboarding, which I'm not ready to give up on yet? But I think I need to admit that that's got to be a weekend thing or on the rare evening when I have a block of time open, because it needs 3-4 hours of concentration even when it's material I've watched before. (I mean, I knew it did when it was new material, but material I've watched before I expected to be easier. But no.)

Also, and this is a sample size of one, but also apparently getting makeup done by 8.45, everything done except day clothes and purse strapped on, and taking the next 30 to do yoga stretches and other energizing stretches rather than relaxing and cool-down stretches ups my energy and makes me more likely to do random capoeira moves in 2-5 minute increments throughout the day. So that's helpful, rather than block off a chunk of my morning to do exercise. Which I should try to do, but if I can't due to schedules or awakeness or whatever, that's a possibility.

(Always assuming I have time. Which is not always a safe assumption.)

I don't know. I don't think I have much more. I'm sorry you guys, I'm not very interesting! I'm about halfway done with the second Heartskull hat? There will be pictures of that on my Rav account too, although they may not be of the boy. But the way things have been going I should be done by the weekend, which means I can bring it in and block it over the weekend and give it to him Monday or something. And of course now I'm already anxious to get started on the shoe rug. Or practice crocheting. I have absolutely no idea how to read a pattern, and it's making me want to throw everything to one side, writing, editing, Murderboarding, cleaning, capoeira, and just bang my head on it till it makes sense.

I do love winter, though. At least when I have projects I'm enthusiastic about, and if I can make the transition in a vaguely orderly, organized way. Which it's looking like maybe I can, which means all the drawing practice and writing and knitting and curled up on the couch doing fun exciting things! WHEEEEEE.
kittydesade: (put some pants on)
There. A relaxing night in and a whole lot of sleep later, I am awake and with it enough to make cupcakes for the boy's game tonight and get to work on time with all my gear, get day jobligations done, eat a healthy lunch. All those good things. And there's still a tiny voice in the back of my head going "you punked out of capoeira you coward" and the rest of me is all "Look, if I'd gone and worked my ass off for an hour and a half, I would feel way shittier today than I did yesterday, instead of healthy again. So fuck off."

Inktober is even slowly happening! Which is to say I got two drawings out of five done by yesterday evening, though I'm hoping to up that today to three out of six. But I'm kind of? sort of? getting the hang of working in ink even if I feel like using pencil under ink is a crutch. Then again I also feel like using perspective grids and under-sketches is cheating somehow, like perfect fully formed drawings should just flow from my fingers to the page. This is stupid.

And after Inktober comes Nanowrimo. Although given that I'm doing multiple short stories this is less distress than it usually is. And during Inktober I am also writing more Sandborn stories and editing a novel and I think I'd better stop there because if I look at all the projects I'm trying to juggle at once I will fall down. It's going better today than it has been though. Actually it's going better the last couple of days than it has been.

I'm working on a Heartskull hat for the boy and it's also going pretty well, which is to say I'm six rows into the pattern section, I might even finish the pattern section today while I'm at work, and then the last chunk is fairly easy. And I want to get more yarn to make all of the hats. Or just to work with this yarn some more, merino dk superwash come to me you are my everything. Hell, Merino superwash is my everything. I just wish it weren't so fucking expensive.

Speeeaaaaking of yarn, once I get this and some more lap rug squares done I can work on my pokeball mitts and declare my allegiance while keeping my hands (mostly) warm. If I can find a yarn I like. Come to me, Ravelry.

(This is my life now. Yarn and warmth and cocoa and projects to be done indoors. Endless projects.)

Ahem. Okay, really have a lot of stuff to do. Let's get doing. Allons-y!
kittydesade: (Default)
So of course right after I'm all "yay no migraine!" I get distracted last night by a random cat with a collar and tag who, it turns out, actually does live across the street and down a bit and was just outside because why not. I don't think it's necessarily the best idea for humans to let their furbabies roam outside a fence or something, given how fast cars peel down our street? But they knew and it was okay, so after a nervous hour and a half we determined the cat was fine and if I see her again I'll just herd her into her yard. But that derailed my entire evening.

And now there's a strong possibility that I won't make capoeira tonight because I feel hot/cold and my head is congested to the point where my teeth hurt. I mean I could function through a class, but I don't think it would be for very long? Plus I've well learned the consequences of physically taxing myself when I'm coming down with something.

I just. I'm incredibly annoyed. Since DragonCon I've gotten maybe a good week of solid routines and then either I'm migrainy or I'm sick or I'm just unable to get to bed on time. Ugh.

And now that I'm finally acknowledging I'm probably fighting off something I'm trying not to feel down about everything and ugh I'm never going to get anything done. At least half of that is the sick and exhausted. But. Argh. I may start writing my to-done lists again. Or, no, that's not the problem, I need to go back to my Habitica to do lists is what I need to do. Be more on top of it. I think that one fell victim to post dragoncon crash, which may need to be a more structured "for two weeks I will do fuck all and then slowly reintroduce routines" type thing. Anyway. Okay, that's one solution. Now I just have to live through the rest of today without wanting to curl up in the closet and sleep the rest of the day. This may or may not be achievable, but I'll try.
kittydesade: An open book with the top edge smouldering on fire (break my staff burn my book)
Well, yesterday got kind of lost down the rabbit hole of migraine. Only since the head pain part was intermittent and I only almost threw up once that could have been mistaken for acid reflux, I didn't clue in until this morning when my head had that whole shaken egg barely contained by a crack shell feeling of postdrome. So, um. Go me?

And then there was the part where my dental cleaning yesterday resulted in "oh, you've got a fistula and I can't fucking tell what from, I'm going to send you to an endodontist and the likely outcomes are either root canal or tooth extraction." OH GOOD. Plus the fact that tooth extraction is going to likely mean I do need implants on that side because of reasons and way too many molar extractions/years without dental insurance, I really love paying shittons of money on my teeth when I fucking brush them twice a day and go to my regular cleanings. Ugh. This is not making me feel any better about my credit card debt. Or my ability to handle money in general. And this one isn't even my fault!

It could be worse. It could be a lot worse, i could not have family willing to toss money at me for dental bills. I'm still going to feel like a failure as an adult for a while, bleh.

Bright side of things. I do have family. I am getting my various bills under control. I am definitely getting my financial habits under control, I hope? I'm always good once I hit a certain level of oh god I suck at money, it's when I have money that I suck at it. And. And. Um.

Good that the migraine's over, I guess! I can get back to work on things, much delayed things, and I'm back to feeling behind on everything. One step at a time. A friend of mine recently posted about resenting all the hours of activity her body's stolen from her. I hear you, hon. I so hear you.

So, okay. Deep breaths. The only way to fix this constantly behind feeling is to do things one at a time. So let's do things one at a time. I can do this. And! And I released a book! A fantasy post-apoc western ish thing. And days later, the only qualms I have about it are the usual brainweasels of I have read this a billion times so it no longer seems fresh and new and exciting. Which, that I can live with. I'm pretty sure that happens to everything who writes something long enough that requires a long enough revision time.
kittydesade: A small stack of books tied together with string, a blue book is the top book with a card with a blue heart on top. (always something to be read)
So, I did a thing today. It's not a complete thing, but I did a thing. It's getting easier to do the thing! Less scary.

By which I mean I set up Sandborn to be published on Kindle. Hardcopy will come as soon as I figure out what on earth got widowed or orphaned to create a random blank page in the middle of my book (tomorrow, most likely) and hard copy for Black Ice will come as soon as Editrix determines nothing's been widowed or orphaned there. I was toying around with the idea of making the font smaller and thus the page size and cost less but I am so tired of going through the proof process for that one.

I took my Heartskull Hat off the head I'd blocked it on and oh boy howdy did it loosen up. (Zara Merino Superwash for the record, if anyone wants to know.) So when I get home I'm going to stick it on the boy's head and see if I do need to go up a needle size or not, because it's almost loose on my head now. Which, granted, part of this might be me doing it in a 1/1 rib rather than a 2/2 rib and adding extra stitches (the fuck was I even doing. who knows.) but still.

So. Ooogh. But Sandborn is done! Well, almost done. Cue all the performance anxiety ever now that it's pretty much done and starting to be talked about, but that's how it goes. And tonight or tomorrow I will get out Queen and Parliament, and after that probably a number of shorts will go up on my website having to do with Blasted Lands stuff in order to somewhat publicize Sandborn. Apart from that I have no idea what I'm doing. Does anyone else have any idea what I should be doing?

Watching Luke Cage. This is what I should be doing. And making cupcakes. The cupcakes will have to happen a little later in the week, though; the watching Luke Cage can happen tonight and over the weekend. Yes.
kittydesade: A woman standing on one hand, legs spread and one arm tucked in front of her chest, in mid-kick. (capoeira girl)
I have now finished and blocked the Heartskull hat, which might be a record for me because I never block anythign within a day or two of finishing it. Ever. It just doesn't happen. I hate washing and blocking, I am lazy, I want things to be done when they're done and not have the extra final step. But I did. So it's now drying on the head form at work. Along with (on towels, not the head form) a couple samples that I finished but never brought in and blocked oooops. Anyway, now I can hang them in the store. And my kerchief that I finished a few days ago. Look at me going and being productive! I blame the braintwin.

Slowly but steadily churning my way through drafts and edits. Trying to, since I still haven't found the good cover art for Queen and Parliament and at this point I might just give up and go for something more abstract, figure out what a good release schedule is. Sandborn is supposed to drop tomorrow (AUGH) and will, in Kindle at least, possibly also in hardcopy but who the fuck knows. And then Queen and Parliament, I have another free story to release on my site, and I have no idea what all else I have to finish and post.

Have abruptly been reminded at work that we have both a fiber festival coming up and a craft guild show down the street, eeek. That's going to be, um. Interesting. I'm going to be making all of the kits tomorrow, I guess. And then we'll see how much of that we actually sell, but you never know. We don't know what various crafts have been touted throughout the community lately.

Capoeira is getting increasingly hand-standy. Which means improving my upper body strength (see icon for life goals), argh, and getting over the fear of falling wrong off a hand/headstand and breaking my own neck, ugh. Telling stories about an idiot who got drunk and actually did did not help thanks teachers although at least in that case the guy was partying drunk, which is not ever a thing that will happen to me. Still, though. I have some idea of homework moves to do, so that's something.

That's about all the news that's fit to type, I guess. Still fighting with my urge to Knit All The Things in order to get any writing work done oops. But I am happy with it, and getting better about balancing the two.
kittydesade: (walking on sunshine)
I finished the colorwork portion of the heartskull hat! And. And not only that, but I also managed to drop a stitch in the solid color rows following that and then to ladder it back up again four rows or so. And. AND. As if that weren't enough fiber art brilliance, I am learning to crochet! Take that, Bembridge Scholars!

(Look, I'm easily amused, the US is going to hell in a handbasket, and I take my pleasures where I can find them.)

I don't have much for you guys today, thankfully because I just don't have much and not because I'm down in a deep hole of ugh. I didn't manage to finish the anthology of African Folk Tales before I have to bring it back, but it'll be there if I need to take it out again and it might be worth investing in. When I have money, because right now is the last aftermath of post Dragon*Con short paychecks and I'm trying not to spend anything so I can dump it all either at my credit card or into savings for next year's tax bill yay. Maybe I should just pre-pay that. Maybe I should dig around and find where I pre-pay that.

Pokemon is going weirdly better, the 'mons aer starting to migrate up to my house, which is not a thing that has happened before. And thanks to people I've gotten better at pinpointing where things are so if there's a lull in work I really can just run out and grab something.

I do need to get back on track with writing stuff. I'm having the usual issues with getting to bed on time and getting adequate sleep for winter, which results in things like sitting and getting a bunch of writing done not happening as much as I'd like. Still. I think Sandborn may even come out on time, dear god, and then Turing Shrugged and other things are coming along to completion, so. Bit by bit. ... I think Sandborn was the only fast-approaching deadline I'd set myself anyway. Well then! That's... not so bad. I can work with this. I still need to contact the damn artist aarrrrgh. And post Queen and Parliament. That's what it is, it's the fiddly things falling through the cracks in my poor broken brain. Poop.

Oh well. Getting back up and trying again. Only in this case it's less because I've been knocked down and more because i've been distracted by knitting.
kittydesade: (morning ugh)
I got eight hours of sleep last night and I'm still exhausted. And I think I know why? But it's still aggravating, especially when the brainweedles are chewing on the wires because I'm too goddamn tired for the automatic processes to catch the thoughts before they form. Which is I think at this point what usually happens. I just. Tired. Processes degraded. Maybe early bed again tonight.

So my weekend went like this: wake up way too damn early, stretch out some, go to capoeira class. Go to work, label things until about to fall over, take the bus home except not quite, overshoot enough to hit the grocery store. Get cheese for enchiladas. Walk home (20 minutes which isn't bad in heat and sun which is), fall over on couch, stare at boyfriend when he says "I don't know how to make enchiladas help." Yes you fucking do. And the fucking recipe for the sauce is in the goddamn recipe book do it yourself while I shower. After that I got to actually collapse, and didn't do much of use till the next day.

(... no, wait, I got cupcakes frosted. I think? Or was that Friday night.)

Sunday morning! Wake up too damn early. Go pokewalking because I'm a glutton for punishment, try to get myself organized enough to hem capoeira pants before the roda. Manage to! Even manage to get some knitting done. Pack up cupcakes and apples and bananas, go to roda. Play capoeira. Hike up the damn hill on a bum knee to see the peace gardens. Hang out with people! Make friends, half of whose names you have no idea what the fuck they are. One of them is getting called Giovanni because I don't even, it was a joke that got out of hand. Catch a ride home thankfully because too tired to walk fifteen minutes. Thankfully the boyfiend has made up for being a whiny shit about enchiladas and made dinner Sunday night. Collapse. Eat a shitton of leftover cupcakes. Attempt to stay up long enough for TV, fail, die.

And then I woke up an hour after my alarm went off this morning and was all "you know what fuckit I'm staying in bed another hour."

And I'm still fucking tired.

Today is a day of getting shit done while punching brainweedles and saying 'fuck' a lot. I just hope I can get shit done.
kittydesade: (bad day)
I'm thinking seriously about taking a social media hiatus until the end of time. Or at least the end of the election. If it wasn't the shooting in Tulsa (is there sexism at play in the indictment of the officer? of course! she was also indicted because she fucking murdered someone for probably racist assumptions!) it was the possibility of President Trump. If it wasn't the possibility of President Trump it was the sexist uphill battle Hillary Clinton has to fight. If it wasn't Hillary Clinton it was Chelsea Manning and all that poor woman has to fight just to stay alive right now. If it wasn't Chelsea Manning it was Voya's absolutely awful screening out of bisexual characters? I think it was. Apparently non-straight sexualities and gender identities are "adult material" and to be hidden from delicate growing teen eyes or some bullshit like that. If it wasn't that it was young women being assaulted for having a hard time in public (Britany Spears) and then coming out of it pretty all right or for simply existing in public (Gigi Hadid) and then assaulted verbally for defending herself. And on. And on. And on.

And then there was another thing that I'm sure didn't mean to come off this way but I've been yelled at either directly or tacitly by a person yelling at a group so many times this week because no good faith is ever assumed, because everyone on the internet is either fighting The Hardest Battle or having The Easiest Life and there is no middle ground, and at this point I've already had ... and I'm just tired. And feeling stupid and cowardly and sad and sorry, but I need to not be on social media anymore. Or for a while.

Apart from that? If I reduce my tiny corner of the world to what's happening in my house and in my town, it's not too bad. Capoeira will have red velvet cupcakes. I made some damn fine red velvet cupcakes, I had one last night that was one of the rejects, made of the side batter that didn't quite finish mixing, and it tasted really damn good. So that's happening. Icing to follow on Sunday right before I haul them over.

Progress is being made on writings, despite that also being one of the areas that makes me want to crawl into a corner and say I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I'll go away and not be right now so I don't bother anyone (yes, this instinct is strong, and I entirely attribute it to the screaming outrage. Which, I understand why, life is outrageous right now, I just.... everything up top). But writing continues anyway, because if I don't write my mental state deteriorates even more.

(I also was up too late last night because of both cupcakes and boy coming home late and not texting me to let me know he was okay, he was just in an endless line, so.)

(Also now I have what I think are debt collectors trying to call work for a friend of the family who hasn't worked here in literally twenty years plus? And I am going to scream.)

I'm very, very tired. My state is going to hell in a handbasket, apparently according to our state congresscritter black people are outraged because white people are more successful. Yes, you read that right. It couldn't be because, I don't know, white cops are murdering black people? Bah, murder schmurder, it's the money, stupid. I just. And McCrory's utter asinine bullshit, all of it, defending a law no one wanted that fixed a non problem by creating twenty other horrific problems, and then using state money that is desperately needed by schools and other state facilities to defend it. And I can't wait to vote all these fuckers out in November but until then I have to put up with six weeks of this shit. (It's funny, though, because Asheville is over here with its "Y'all means All" signs and an underlying attitude of WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPY HORESESHIT YOU DO NOT SPEAK FOR US.)

And. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm defaulting to rolling and showing belly, which is bad because not everyone is attacking you, I promise, even if it feels that way. I'm crying at work. I think I'm going to spend the weekend either writing/working on world building, which is some heavy lifting but if I do it alone at least I can recover some that way, and cleaning the house. Because nothing says I need to exert some control and ability to fix things in my environment like frantically cleaning the house.

And I promise not to eat all 28 red velvet cupcakes that are left. Even if I kind of want to. Those are some damn tasty cupcakes.

ETA: Oh right. Now I remembered that I was going to take social media hiatuses anyway over the weekend. This is not convincing me not to, but on the plus side I was probably right to.
kittydesade: A delicate hand reaching up to pluck fruit from a tree (give me the fucking fruit)
Day 2? Three? Of brain patch holding, so I'm going to go ahead and assume it was a combination of history factors plus the final kick of decompensation from Dragon Con. Measures have been put in place to at least start preventing this happening next year, mostly in the form of calendar reminders of "are you still tired and decompensating from DragonCon?" every weekend for a month. Especially if it's going to turn into a five day con. Holy hell.

And capoeira went well! Puck and I were both dragging some, but there was a good sized class and good energy in it. Also I'm profoundly amused because the bulk of the regular students now, pretty much all of them except one, are all women. This amuses and pleases me. And we have a local roda on Sunday which means ugh I don't get a sleeping or reading all day weekend day, but it'll be nice to really jam myself back into a proper capoeira groove. Now that I have more energy in the day I'm definitely remembering how much I enjoy it. It's just when I'm tired and crashing from DragonCon that I'm all oh god why did I even

(It helps a lot that I was on form last night and playing well. Heheheh. Need to work on my handstands though.)

I got some ideas for stories that I need to write down. Actually what I should do when I get home is work on some Wikis, I've got a lot of good world history that I need to put somewhere. I'm just getting easily distracted by knitting and in a lot of ways it's easier to just babble and worldbuild rather than sit down and put words to paper, and revise them. Well, words to word processor screen. I have lots of energy, I have loads of ideas, I'm just lacking in a slight bit of either willpower or executive function, not sure where the malfunction lies since the two bits of wiring are in close proximity. As far as I know. Grump.

So I have cupcakes to bake tonight, and either I can get started on cleaning the craft room or cleaning the office. But probably what will happen instead is cupcakes and watching TV and knitting. Which isn't the worst thing in the world either, cleaning can happen tomorrow and Saturday after capoeira and Sunday after... more capoeira. Maybe more Sunday. Maybe not. I like it when the mess is in rooms with closed doors and I can ignore it. But I shouldn't. Le sigh. So many things to do, so little time.


kittydesade: (Default)

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