[sticky entry] Sticky: Iwanna

Jul. 7th, 2027 05:33 pm
kittydesade: (to-do list)
For when I have free money, or to save up for these things:

Hobo coins kickstarter
Eminence Rosehip and Maize exfoliator (if still on sale on Friday) IT WAS YAY

Tax return:
Shoe repair

Birthday money:
Eminence Couperose serum
I Ching book
Fullmetal Shadow?
Frye Melissa laceup talls

Look at your Etsy wish list
Look at your makeup spreadsheet (Notoriously Morbid Changeling lip overglosses)

These in all colors but the light gray and dark brown.
Black Magic or Mad Science shirt
You need this t-shirt in your life.
Jeans that are not simple Lands End/LL Bean

Graphic Novels
Leaving Megalopolis
Secret Six: Friends in Low Places
Hawkeye: My Life As A Weapon
Hawkeye: LA Woman
kittydesade: (boots not finery)
Well, I was considerably less cranky after I got home and napped for maybe an hour ish, although the boy had left for work by then. I get the impression he thought I was actually mad at him instead of just in pain and cranky because in addition to the milk i asked him to bring home he brought two chocolate chip muffins. Awww! And I did go ahead and get the Fryes with my tax refund given that I was planning on and budgeting for the expenditure anyway, and this does save me some of that money.

But since I wasn't planning on spending it for another month the schedule shift and change in what my bank balances look like as a result is really fucking with my head. Ugh.

Plus side the boot resoling place near to me, I have figured out where it is, it's both on the bus line and near a used bookstore, and it may be vaguely possible that they will resole boots while you wait. So that's very nice. I can get my boots fixed hopefully after I get my new boots and browse the used bookstore in the meantime!

... also argh now I want to spend the rest of my refund on clothes and makeup and no, self. We don't get to do that. We have a list of things we are buying with our refund and birthday money and going on a mad shopping spree is not on it. Stop watching the youtube videos and start getting back to edits.

(With a brief stop at well now I really am glad I got that sale because it apparently ends today at 9pm PST oops.)

I continue to be slightly worried about Cassius, who has dropped a significant amount of weight in the last couple months but whose personality is otherwise unchanged. And he seems to be moving better, so maybe it was the cold snap? I don't even know anymore, I'm just worried about him because he's back to having the lean and hungry look for which he was originally named. Fortunately he's not entirely skin and bones and I know he does have access to food, he comes to the food bowl every day and Barton's reasonably good about not crowding him away from it.

The boy's still making noises about finding someone who will take Bat Cat out of our household, but I really do think that unless we put him up with Furever Friends we're rather stuck with him. Which I honestly don't mind, except for Murdock's tendencies to decide he's an affront to everything. Ridiculous combative cat. But Murdock took wonderfully to Little Bit, so I guess it's just male territoriality. Meh.
kittydesade: (PRO-CRAS-TI-NATE)
I'm exhausted and the part of my brain that has any direction at all wants to keep revamping my wardrobe and I'm too goddamn tired and in pain to figure out how the fuck to even begin doing that and ugh.

Having looked at the list I had put in my Courtesan School document of basics (or what people consider as basics) I think the only thing I need anymore is a somber dress for somber occasions like funerals or something, just to keep in my wardrobe that can double as a LBD, I already have a couple of formal dresses that I'm comfortable in and are simple enough to probably always be in fashion but I might get a pastel one, and then a string of pearls and a trenchcoat and that's it for staples. So it's mostly whatever I feel like my look is missing. Which to be fair isn't much? I have a nice range of colors in jeans, I kind of want more colors of jeans in bootcut rather than skinny but since I'm eyeballing some tall laceup boots which only really work with skinny jeans I'll take what I've got. I've got a nice range of supercute tops, I could use some more with cap sleeves but also, I'll take what I've got and keep an eye out for sales.

Basically it amounts to keep an eye out for sales, double check that camis and button downs will look as good on me as I think they will and then get a bigger range of cami tops, and that's about it for fashion updating in my wardrobe. Ooh, although I could also go with the double gold cuff bracelets for the fashionable Iron Man look. I've also come to the conclusion that I am at the moment just slightly too wide to get away with blazer-and-tshirt although I'm still contemplating. How does a curvy person make that work? Or is it more bolero jacket and t-shirt? Ooh, that could have promise as a Tony Stark chic thing.

Also while I was contemplating this I ended up hitting up the Frye website and the boots that I want are on sale. $100 off. I hate them all and now I have to figure out whether or not the sale will last until I get my birthday money. Because if it will I'll just hold off, but if it won't there goes my tax refund that I'd meant to put on my CC. Which also cuts down the things I meant to buy with my birthday money by about over half, but still. I was not prepared for this! But $100 Frye boots. Which generally start at 250 and only get more absurd from there. (On the other hand they're also supposed to last for 40+ years, which is why I bothered in the first place. I can live with getting my boots resoled every 18 months for $10 rather than paying $50+ every couple years for entirely new shoes.)

Yeah, these are all the things I think about when I don't want to think about everything else that's going on in the world. Or how hungry and in pain I am and how much I want to just go out with the boy for dinner only he can't because he has to leave for work in an hour and a half. (Dude, there's twenty restaurants between my work and home that can get us dinner in that time, wake up.)

Going to try to get everything in my day to day list done today but suddenly all I want to do is curl up under the covers and read and eat ice cream. I'm in a very "so there nyah" mood right now. I blame a day and a half of stabbing back pain. (Yes it's better, I'm going to do my exercises tonight, hopefully I won't have to take 1000mg of naproxen sodium tomorrow too.)
kittydesade: (sweet pea)
For shits and giggles I decided to try staying under the calorie count My Fitness Pal ascribes to me and while yes, it's probably true that my calorie count is out of balance given that I tend to weigh them more towards dinner than anything, I got dizzy and nauseous and tired trying to stay under the damn limit. Back to only paying attention to my protein tally! And sometimes my fat tally because I do like butter and cheese a little too much, but sometimes it's just nuts and meat and avocado or whatever and the hell with that.

I watched way too many beauty and fashion vloggers on youtube and now I want to go shopping with all of the money I don't actually have. So instead I'm going to go shopping in my closet tonight since it's a spa and courtesan night. First I'm going to eat a food, then I'm going to do the spa thing and shower and use some of my I shouldn't have bought this but I don't even care spa products and sand my feet and scrub my face and moisturize and then there will be a terrifying amount of going through my closet. Plus pictures if I can manage to get adequate lighting going on.

I took a couple days off of drawing and went back today with two minute life drawing (at some point I need to get back to manga drawing which I think might actually be better for all the life drawing? but might also involve tracing more so I can get the shapes in my fingers) and I think I am actually getting better at drawing the male figure! Yay! Not so much better at just sketching out a quick gesture and not fussing over the details in two minutes. Oops. There's one drawing that has about 3/4 of the person and then he's just missing a leg.

Iiii have no focus for writing, despite being in the perfect mindset to write the Malachy girls. This is kind of bad and weird. I think this means I should watch one vlogger video and then write and then as a reward for doing that and the rest of the day's writing work I can do some more videos of girls playing with shiny things.

No, I need to do this at home and preferably after food because I have no focus. I can attempt to write somewhere between all the clothes sorting. That actually might even work too.
kittydesade: (morning ugh)
So, normally with capoeira I'm careful. I build muscles slowly outside of class, and I try not to push it in class, I stop when I get out of breath, I stop when I lose focus, etc. Which leads me to feel like I'm lazy, like I'm not working as hard as I could be, all kinds of fun self-recriminating thought patterns.

Well, last night I pushed it. And I can't even begin to tell you what a dumbass idea THAT was. I went into a full-on asthma attack with chest pain and little black spots and not being able to get a full breath and adrenaline and panic and. Yes, I sat down, I did my rescue inhaler. It was the last 20 minutes of class and we were skipping the music so I didn't feel too bad about missing it all. But damn. This is why I need to remember that no, I can't actually do what most people in my class can do, my body doesn't work that way. Whether it means I'm disabled or not, whatever, I physically cannot push that hard. It's not just me being lazy. My body will shut that shit down, as the idiot congressman said.

Speaking of idiot Congressmen oh dear god. Someone I know and generally like on Twitter said something about not understanding the flak Bernie gets and first I went off (politely! calmly) about what Bernie has and hasn't done, and then I went off on a general tirade about how this is why politicians don't do shit to change anything, and then I went off on a mini "I'm sorry you guys, I grew up with this and I still really hate it." And then I started getting snarky about the Chaffetz thing and I have spent the last two hours in full on cranky DC ex-pat mode. Wow.

And I'm tired, too, which is mostly probably my own damn fault for getting worked up when all I had for breakfast was 2/3 of a bowl of grits and chevre, and then once I realized it all I followed it up with was 2 mini butterfingers till lunch. At which point yes, I am now eating.

So many things I need to do when I get home, but until then at least it's quiet enough that I should be able to get almost everything else done by then. So many things I want to do or clean this weekend but I think I'm going to make myself sweep and mop only because oh dear god I need a weekend where nothing whatsoever happens. (Sweeping and mopping is self defense because cat allergies.) I'm pretty much just dragging myself through until spa night. So, so damn tired. I blame the last two weekends being chockablock full of activity, either day jobbing or gardening, and maybe if I actually get a weekend it'll be easier.

I mean, the plus side here is I did get a good hour and a half worth of capoeira that I could do, even if those last ten minutes pushed me over to fall down town. I finally found shark week so maybe now I'll stop carrying around an extra five pounds of water in the hold of this fleet I seem to be launching with my tits. (PMS is stupid why do we have it.) I'm doing all right in other areas, and I'm more physically tired than emotionally tired because of yesterday's being stupid and some of this morning's stupid, which makes it feel like I've been tired foreeeeeever. And I'm not actually. I'm fairly healthy and doing well. But I just want a damn nap.
kittydesade: A white feather quill laying across an open book with yellowed pages (am scribing)
I have a headache just mild enough for me to decide to go to capoeira anyway, I've somehow managed to run out of shipping labels I have no idea how, I'm usually good about remembering to re-order but I guess we've just been shipping so little by UPS these days that I lost track, and I'm bleeding. Normal bleeding not injury bleeding. I dislike this entire state of events and when I get home I am taking a shower and spending the rest of the evening either playing video games or reading or knitting or some combination of all three. Fuck this day. Not a hard fuck just an irritated one.

At least I got my edits done before the headaches of various kinds came on. And I'm mostly just tired-cranky and blegh, not in any kind of distress. Which is a positive considering I've been various kinds of distressed since the goddamn election. I'll take this kind of generalized cranky/surly.

I also figured out why I've been playing Summoner's War way more than Pokemon Go even while both of them have events at the same time THANKS GUYS. For the simple reason that it's been rainy and windy off and on the last several days and ugh why. Also I've been just achy enough to not want to walk anywhere and oh my god you the PMS surly. Sitting on a couch playing a monster summoning game is about my speed.

And writing is going well. I definitely need to start moving ahead and doing actual pages in Nanowrimo, but on the other hand I can probably do twenty pages at a shot once I get back to where I pick up the text already written in the previous draft, so I'm less worried about making my Camp Nano editing goals. I've gotten all the rough details of Starlight's background sketched so I can pick that back up again, and Eochaid.... well, Eochaid needs to get his happy ass moving again.

(And then I managed to give myself an asthma attack at capoeira for being too enthusiastic? Pushing too hard? Being too belligerent? Something, I overdid it and kicked off the asthma and let's not do that again, self, hmm?)
kittydesade: (priestess)
So this morning was less productive than previous but I did get some dishes washed and all the other usual morning stuff done. Except plants watered, because I think there was some sort of rain today. Though not as much as I expected so tomorrow is definitely a watering of plants day. (Today is a getting all the trash together and cleaning out the fridge to get it all out of the house day.)

I started in on one of the Viking books which is both highly informative and also highly aggravating because it makes me want to look at all the maps and peruse all the history and there is not enough time in my life dammit. But it's a good book, and should prove fairly useful for the purposes. And entertaining.

So far so good on keeping a balance of things, including getting exercise in even when I have a pounding headache in the morning. Getting up, getting everything done in time to water plants if I have to (or sit back and take it easy and play Summoner's War if I don't) and ... blegh. I'm also kind of on edge waiting for it to all collapse back again, but for being still fairly stressed out about the current regime and what it's doing to the country I'm ... doing fairly well at keeping to routines and such. I've fallen off a bit of the drawing practice but I plan to do some quick gesture drawings before bed to keep in practice. And the writing is going all right.

Nothing much to report other than the holding pattern is normalish. Also I'm stress-eating grapes again. Though now I kind of wonder when the last time I stress-ate grapes again and if it was three months ago. If so that might be the weirdest and most hilarious PMS craving ever. (I'm pretty sure it was more recent than that, but it still amuses me.)
kittydesade: A stack of old, slightly tattered cloth-bound hardbacks next to a porcelain cup of tea on a saucer (quiet day of reading)
Ooof. So, yesterday I got up at 7 in the goddamn morning because that's when I woke up, I don't even. Fed the cats, did the pokemon thing and fed all the cats inside and out. Went out back and weeded up the raised beds by the porch, cleared off a corner of the porch and trimmed all the dead off the lavender. Time will tell if I trimmed it too much. Cleared the last of the raised beds. Washed the litter pans, pitched a lot of random detritus into the trash, planted some herbs, wrapped some other seed in damp paper towels and stuck them in the freezer for scarification. Stratification? I can't damn well tell which. Soaking and freezing! Put away the lawnmower. Burned some documents (mostly junk mail involving credit card offers). Made cookie dough. Made shepherd's pie because I was craving garlic mashed potatoes and that's what it ended up being. Did some handwashing. I have no idea what on earth got into me but holydamn I was an industrious hobbit.

It also seems to still be going although we'll see how long that holds because today I got up, showered, did a full 30 minutes of an exercise routine, put away some clean laundry, swept a bit and put my vanity back now that I've determined where the new lamp is going to go, got downstairs and got all the cats fed, got the plants watered, got my languages studied, and got my face on and everything on time to get to work and this is without even touching on whatever happens when I get home. Um. Just, um.

Basically I seem to have turned into Super Courtesan. I have no idea why this happened or how long it's going to last or what. But it did remind me to take account that I need 7 hours of sleep a night these days. I don't know if that's body changes or ambient malaise from the jackass squating in the White House or a permanent change because of the latter or.... I don't know. But something to keep in mind if I want to keep being Super Courtesan.

I did manage to get some edits done! I'm not sure if I should keep, for Camp Nanowrimo, writing the intermediate bit or skip to the part where it's just editing the words in play. Maybe a little bit of both until I fill in the intermediate part? Though at least that's mostly done anyway so in a day or two it may be a moot point.

Aaand Hm. I need to finish up the last of the stories to toss to the Editrix for the White Lightning anthology. I need to finish actually writing down all the notes and ideas I have swirling in my head for Starlight and get back to that. And then ... no, I think that's pretty much it, then it's back to simple edits and drafting and my project list is pretty well done. Which is good if I'm going to keep turning into a frenzied hobbit.
kittydesade: (Default)
For my own note-taking purposes, since apparently this is the year of the Very Scientific Planting

Zinnias, Poppies, Hollyhocks, and Marigolds have been planted in the front for some time; there's no real room left to do a scarification test on those. Although I suppose I could temporarily use the catnip pots to see. That might be what has to happen, will decide tonight.

Blue Columbine, Purple Coneflower, and three varieties of parsley are all in the freezer, with non-scarification seeds in the garden to see how they grow by comparison. Seeds will be taken out on Tuesday and next Sunday. (Which means making three times as many labels but what can you do.) The soil used is Pete's Plant Pleaser.

Oregano and Anise have been planted in a mixture of roughly (very roughly, I didn't measure) equal parts sphagum/pearlite succulent blend and potting soil to mimic a fast-draining arid soil. We'll see how that goes. I don't have a control sample for these, just a poor history of starting oregano from seed.

Yarrow has been not so much transplanted as moved slightly. I think that's yarrow. Still, it's been moved and we'll see if I killed it or not.

(The broccoli definitely did not show up to the party this year. I don't know if I planted it too late or what. Trying to grow broccoli has only happened successfully once in this house. Next time I'm going to put the seeds in the ground in fucking January.)

No vegetables will be planted this weekend because I underestimated how goddamn tired I was. But the ground is prepared.
kittydesade: (lioness)
Welp okay it's a good thing I managed to get up with my alarm today. Actually up and out of bed, not just awake. I forgot until I'd been awake about five-ten minutes that I was leaving early today to go around the clay shop. Whoops. I mean, plus side I did manage to get up, water plants, put on some fantastic makeup if I do say so myself. And got to work and did the errands on time.

Work wasn't very nice though. There was quite a bit of hauling around about 200 pounds of yarn, running back and forth between the front and the back, and shuffling around some supply orders and then I got home with every intention of doing gardening and then got out into the garden and realized I was too goddamn tired to do anything. Quite possibly too goddamn tired to study, but we'll see about that.

Plus sides though, I watched a hell of a lot of makeup blogs and got a better idea of what my girls for Malachy are doing, at least the two elder ones. Nobody knows what the third sister's doing, least of all the third sister! Which is funny, the supernatural stuff I know the texts for, I know where to go for research, this is my bread and butter. Okay not my bread and butter, but hermetic magic is what I know. Makeup? Wardrobe? Beauty blogging? And other largely stereotypical women things but still, I have no idea what those are.

I suppose I will try and at least do a bit of languages before bed. I also found a lamp that'll work to brighten up the bedroom since we can't get the overhead ceiling light/fan to work. And at this point I'm a little afraid to get it fixed because I'm sure any effort to fix it will result in "okay and now we need to run new wires all through here." and then it'll be a ridiculous expense. Easier to just put around some floor lamps, since the last electrician we had in to fix a couple blown outlets said the wiring was fine in general, albeit weird. (Which, what do you expect, the electricity was retrofitted to the house.) And there's a whole laundry list of chores to do over the weekend including gardening and weed whacking and the boy's got the lawn and I'm going to try and do the porch and the patio. I'm quite excited about it all! Except irritated at being tired now. Meh.
kittydesade: (put some pants on)
So, I went home. I napped for what was meant to be an hour and ended up being closer to two. Got up, dragged myself downstairs and hung around for a while and then went to bed early again. And I actually feel like a human being today! So probably skipping capoeira was the right call afterwards, as much as I sort of resent everything.

But this morning I saw one of the new tabbies, so far the only feral unnamed, out the back porch window and I did a small bit of weeding on the front walk (I'll do some more this evening and hopefully keep getting it bit by bit) and transliterated some Arabic on a sesame almond thing my aunt handed me, and all in all I feel better and more energetic and active. Which is a nice change from the past... week? Ugh, it feels like it's been forever.

I am slowly getting better at drawing men, though. I just hope there's enough gesture drawing/life model things featuring men that I can keep practicing.

The Star Wars twitter account sent out a Carrie Fisher tribute for the 40th anniversary, and now I'm crying so now all of you can too. Seriously, I had on some fabulous makeup and now it's probably all smeary. Bastards. But we all miss our space mom, how could we do anything but cry? Not only cry, of course. We also have to shoot stormtroopers, mouth off, fix the galaxy AGAIN, and paint everything in glitter.

I'm sort of revising my opinion on worrying about Cassius. Over the last couple of days I've been sitting on the front stoop and petting him and noticing in the daylight and not the utility room light, and up close is BOY he has a lot of white hair in his full pelt. He doesn't try to smack or bite except when I pick him up under the arms sort of? I may experiment with other ways of picking him up. But he still bunts and twins and today he licked the boy's bare toes when we were watering the plants. Go figure. So now I'm less worried about rabies and more worried about is there anything we can do to ease pain if he's getting arthritic. I think there are chewables though, or things we can put in his water. And if it comes down to it, hell, we could probably give him injections. Barton is considerably more aloof although will now deign to be petted on his back and head. Cassius is just a big floop.

NOW all I have to do is actually make the writing thing work today and I will be having a better day than I think I have had in a week and a half.
kittydesade: (morning ugh)
So the lesson for today evidently is that I need way way more practice drawing men. I might try and get in a second life drawing session of one of the longer poses for that, a two minute pose or a five minute pose. Because argh.

(I'm trying to say "I need more practice at drawing X" rather than "I suck at drawing X" because self, the suckage is temporary. Saying otherwise is unhelpful.)

Argh, I'm torn between yes go to capoeira because if you drop the habit it's going to be awful and no don't go because you have a headache, you haven't had more than one day off in almost two weeks, you're PMSing and you're far from at your physical best and these classes are intensive, go home and do home exercises. And I just don't know. I mean on the one hand I probably don't have to worry about losing the habit as much as I used to because it always gets disrupted around DragonCon and I always go back to it? And on the other hand I didn't go all last week because work. But I did go the Saturday before that even when I didn't feel like it. Ugh, I don't know. And I don't know how I'm going to feel in a couple hours. I feel really physically crappy right now.

(And in the hour and a half or so since I wrote that I don't actually feel any less crappy. Poop. No, I don't think I'm going to go and make myself more tired, stressed, and uncomfortable.)

Plus I need to get my ass moving on edits and writes and things that are not the Loki/Darcy fanfic. Which was fun and relaxing for the last couple of days but it's time to get back to work now. I think after last week it's just caught up to me and my brain is just categorically rejecting anything that feels like work, martial arts or day jobligations not immediate or writing anything. Which is fine but unhelpful, brain.


Yeah, no, ugh. Brain not functioning well enough for barely anything. Going home, writing works, exercising and practicing at home, hopefully falling over early so I can get a lot of sleep and have a better week next week. At least Saturday practice I can get up, go do, and fall over after, no obligations of any kind. Well, that aren't time sensitive.
kittydesade: (bad day)
I am so damn tired and far too much of my brain cycles are going to thinking up what I'll do when La Migra comes for me, despite the fact that they shouldn't because I'm a goddamn citizen. But I'm also Latina, Hispanic, both of those and with a noticeably Latina/Hispanic name, and I feel like it's only a matter of time before some bullshit happens. I'm terrified to fly anywhere. I'm terrified in my own country. And I'm so, so tired.

I had such intentions of getting things done, too. Work was relatively quiet and I was going to get things done and now if I'm not making myself do day job things I'm staring at the screen like a stunned lump.

So I guess this will do for today's check in post and if I can manage to stop crying on the inside long enough I will update it with a list of things I've managed to do.

I just. It feels like my country's being systematically looted and destroyed and then I grieve and then I feel guilty for grieving because *looks at history of the US* *laughs hollowly* and it's a never ending cycle of ugh.

A positive: I have figured out sort of a routine for these gesture drawing video exercises: any chunk of one minute poses up to five minutes, then take a water break. two two minute poses, then take a water break. One five minute pose, then take a water break. This might be different or easier if I was doing it in dedicated class time, but I'm not, and also I'm emotionally exhausted so this is the best small-bites schedule for me.
kittydesade: (every night i burn)
Okay there, I think I've done the prioritization of the next few money inflows, and everything else can go to savings/CC debt. Ahahaahah oh god. *looks at CC debt cries*

(It's not actually that bad and I've got it on a zero interest plan for 99% of what's on there, it's just that last billing cycle I added a filling? two fillings? To it so it looks like I haven't paid it down in a month or two and it feels like I'm in an endless holding pattern and CC debt is the worst because half of it I did to myself and the other half is my goddamn teeth. Stupid teeth. I don't think I will be needing any fillings for like 4-5 years though. I hope. And all the root canals and other crap are done.)

I'm a little worried about Cassius. Apart from the fact that he was bitten by something several months ago he's been losing a little weight. Not much, but enough that he's no longer fat and now just sort of normal weight. That and he's been getting a little more skittish and temperamental, although he hasn't actually come at me yet except when I push him too far (i.e. I'm picking him up and he's giving clear signs of unhappiness and I keep going.) He still comes to me when I'm sitting on the stairs inside or out, for pettings, and he still rolls over and stretches and behaves relaxedly around me. So maybe it's just the two tabbies who've been coming around lately, since we haven't been giving them any greater of a share of food and I've actually been putting out some less to try and feed the cats and not the raccoons and possums. They can damn well forage for themselves.

I also hate that I'm tired all the time. Not all the time, just the past week. Which is understandable because working short-staffed for a six day week, and then one day to recover and back at work and it was a long fairly busy day and still slightly short staffed because Elf Lord had to go do a gig. But I hate it anyway. And there's nothing I can do about the politics and the murdering which is the other source of tiredness. And. And and and grrr.

I don't know. I started another knitting project today that I can keep at work since all my other projects involve more lace and counting than I want to do while out front. Or beads. This one is just straight stitching three pieces down for a length to eventually make a vet, so that's ideal for being out front. I started a Loki/Darcy fanfiction because someone left a comment on an old fic that got me reading it again and remembering how much I loved writing those two. Also of all the fanfic I've written this one is easy and just sort of happens (probably due to ongoing patterns ahem) so hopefully I can get that out and get back to my original stuff. Assuming I get room to breathe.

Aaaargh. Just. Argh. At least I got most of the stuff I meant to get done, done, today. Except for editing, but I got some words written in anything, kept the muscles going, which is the important thing. Maybe tomorrow will be less horrible.
kittydesade: Stippled light shining through curtains onto a couch or bed bracketed by white pillows. (hideaway)
Well the day started off great when the boy and I nearly got run off the side of a fifty foot bridge, that was fun. At least work wasn't terribly busy, there was a thing or two that happened but nothing much I couldn't handle. Lots of odds and ends and fiddly bits. It's making me lose focus a bit ... okay, I'm losing focus a lot. It's just that it's about 70% events exhaustion and 30% small fiddly bits at work.

Everything to do with politics is exhausting. Gorsuch is exhausting. Was exhausting, I suppose that's done now. The Syria bombing is exhausting, and the things I want to say aren't printable because half of them are advocating for felonies. The fact that we have to deal with this asshole for another three years and nearly nine months is ... I can't think about it or I'll go mad. Trying to figure out what I should be calling my Senator about next is exhausting.

I'm trying not to stress buy or stress eat. Stress eating is going surprisingly well, or rather the not stress eating. Stress buying... slightly less so, my bank account is closer to the wire than it should be for not getting paid for a week, but a good chunk of that is also because of taxes. So I feel less bad. I'm trying, it's a goddamn struggle that's bigger and more painful than I want it to be but I'm trying not to buy new shinies to make myself feel better, to remind myself that I have plenty of yarn, plenty of books, plenty of ability to make my own sweets with minimal financial outlay for ingredients. I'm making my own sugar scrub today instead of buying some! Spa products were the other thing that knocked my bank balance the rest of the way down, but the ones I got should either last for a year or provide me with an idea of what to get on my birthday when that money happens.

(Come to think of it I need to make a list of things I will buy with birthday money or I'll just go after the new shinies at the time.)

[personal profile] lireavue and I are doing a girls' spa night in tonight because we're both fucking exhausted. At this point I think we're going to make it an every two weeks thing. Which means you get me writing down my O3 (Order Of Operations) here so that I remember it because with my brain the way it is I am going to fucking forget when I get home.

Spa stuff O3 )

I'm so tired, and I don't feel hopeful at all even though no part of my brain that parses logic says there's an imminent disaster headed our way. I think I just don't feel hopeful that it's going to be anything other than a long and miserable slog for four fucking years. Complete with endless trauma for everyone in the US and to an I don't know what degree out of it, and ... and. And everything.

But there will be a spa night, and warm cookies, and I will keep writing stories that people seem to find fun, and keep tweeting to remind people to do things to take care of themselves because maybe then I will remember too. And I will hope that's enough.
kittydesade: A small stack of books tied together with string, a blue book is the top book with a card with a blue heart on top. (always something to be read)
I'm still not sure why I'm so goddamn tired today. Apart from politics, which continues to make me tired and seethe. And I have no idea what the hell is going on in Venezuela other than apparently a coup, but I just translated a couple of tumblr posts about people getting beaten and arrested for walking past a protest. So, um. That's happening.

I did manage to get one scene that I'd started writing yesterday concluded, started a second scene, and then realized that when I'd had the girls going home I should have actually had them going to New York because Fashion week had started up. Fortunately I hadn't gotten much written when I realized that, but still oy. So I backtracked, edited it to be the family's New York house, fixed that...

... and found myself in a stew of research about what actually happens on fashion week and I guess I know what I'm watching tonight. (If you guessed it's documentaries about the fashion world on Netflix you get a cookie. A homemade cookie because the world is shit right now and there should be cookies.)

(... maybe I really am that chick from Stranger Than Fiction.)

Ironically the only thing going right this week is that my weight is easing back down from full stress-binge-eating all-the-carbs-and-sweets oh-god-oh-god-we're-all-going-to-die. And not because I'm now too depressed or saddened or whatever to eat, I'm eating reasonably and keeping an eye on things, but I'm also moving more regularly and I've started doing push-ups again to build up my upper-body/core strength for capoeira. At a guess some combination of that is getting me back to the shape I was in. So that's a blessing.

Heh. Push-ups. I started doing push-ups again, I could barely do three in a row. But after a few days of doing them I could probably do five sets of four again, so that's also a relief, I don't think I lost much in the way of muscle tone there, or at least not for the long term. I just need to build it back up again and then push past where I had been, and probably practice my balance at handstands and headstands. Bit by bit. And preferably in the moments when the boy's at home so he can spot me because at least 75% of my fear of practicing headstands is oh my god what if I fall and break my neck.

I did have some sweet moments on the bus today that shored up my faith that we'll get through this. The US? My town? I don't know who we is in this context, but today it was freezing and windy at the bus station and fourteen of us just stood there waiting while a man in a motorized scooter slowly maneuvered his scooter onto the bus and got himself situated and strapped in. Not a word of complaint, not a step forward in impatience, nothing. We all just stood there until he was in, and then politely lined up and got on. And then I was playing pokemon on the bus and a man interrupted me to ask a question about the game, I explained, he listened, thanked me, and then we both went back to our business.

One thing I do regret about editing and working on so many things this year to try and bring them to a finish is that I feel like I have no more time to read. Research books or for fun either fiction or nonfiction or whatever. I need to stop that, and I need to make time to read, but today I'm not sure when that'll be. Or maybe I just need to not wait until I have time to read a book in one sitting and say okay, today I'm just going to read a chapter of this. That's probably the better idea.
kittydesade: (punk rock haderach)
So thanks to staying up way later than I should have last night I am somewhat behind today, but not much. Morningwise I managed to get the cats fed and me fed and the trash out and me showered and the essentials exercised and my face put on. I managed to get the notes from my brainstorming last night dropped into the Starlight notes document and that fucking novel has a title. I'm so pleased. A title that works and feels right. And I went over my notes for Maybe It's Malachy and oh god that's right I'm in the section that isn't so much endless edits but endless adding new material, shoot me now.

Which is unfortunate because apparently while yesterday I had all of the energy and no focus, today I have all of the focus and no energy. Meh.

I was good, I got home and ate a fruit and made enchiladas instead of eating a giant plate of Skyline like I had intended to do because starving. But then my focus completely left again and I didn't even finish one scene without getting distracted.

And to top it all off Paul O'Neill of Trans Siberian Orchestra has died and I'm just filing all the complaints about today and going to bed, I think. May tomorrow be a better day.
kittydesade: An open book with the top edge smouldering on fire (break my staff burn my book)
I am having a day that, despite having narrowed down my writing tasks to just a few things, is resulting in nothing getting done because what am focus ahahahah oh god. This displeases me.

I'd already deleted most? all? I think most of my LJs, I might now see if I can back up the entries I really liked from the one journal or so that I still cared about and delete the rest. I've been hanging on to my personal journal because I paid cashy money for a permanent account, but.... well. Yeah. I can't say I feel much of anything about this. Certainly not surprise. More like a dull 'oh yes, it's that time I guess.'

Work... well, today wasn't that bad. I'm still wary of what tomorrow will be like on short staff. And probably not going to capoeira this week, which means getting up and doing exercise and getting home and doing exercise and taking fifteen during work and doing exercise. So that's going to be fun, in addition to whatever the day brings, in addition to the cleaning I didn't get done today or yesterday oops. Bit by bit I guess. And I will try eating half a bagel at a time I think, because I suspect eating the entire bagel (of ALL THINGS) is what made me feel kind of bloated and ooky today.

I also managed to get some edits done on the one thing, though. Plus a whole bunch of semi-coherent notes on the other thing, which NOW HAS A TITLE. FINALLY. And I have notes to ponder of it, and once the notes I've made on the worldbuilding get solidified a bit hopefully I'll be able to finish. It's awkward because I want to go back and rewrite already and, no, it'll actually be easier if I rewrite the back half to align with the front half and have the back half written more correctly? More properly developed. Something.

But I also stayed up way too late persistently knitting on the Celestarium, so oh my god if I want to get any exercise done tomorrow I am going to bed. forty minutes late. oops.
kittydesade: (Default)
Oy the entire weekend. Somehow in the morning either I was having a visual effects only migraine or the light was really weird as we were outside, either was likely, but I was so goddamn low energy in capoeira. But fortunately all we did was play some games and be ridiculous and then sing some songs. And at this point in my practice I think all I really have to do is work out a lot and keep practicing.

But THEN in the middle of class/practice I got a text from the boy 'come home asap' and I'm freaking out and calling him all who's sick who's dying what happened. Turns out Little Bit got out, which, the last time she got out I found her in the utility room an hour later and she just trotted right back in. So I wasn't nearly so worried, I stayed at class and we finished up and saw a hawk wheeling above downtown! And I went home distracted enough to forget my keys at work, oops, but eventually we did get her back inside. By the simple expedient of shutting all the cats in rooms upstairs, opening the doors and putting out food bowls and her cushion of safety so she could walk on in. She actually walked through seven goddamn times before we were able to close the doors behind her. A couple of the times I barely noticed until she trotted back on out again. Little twerp.

Meanwhile while all this was happening I was trying to clean the craft room and the boy was trying to clean and mop the kitchen and wipe down all the surfaces. Which was nice, it was something I'd been meaning to do for a while and hadn't gotten the time/energy to do. And he did get it done! And I got the craft room about halfway done, which is mainly down to it's been a mess for at least a year and I haven't kept up with it nearly as much as I should. Saturday I did a lot more picking up, and mopped about 2/3 of the living room and put some things away. And then I looked at a calendar and realized why I was on such a cleaning binge.

Downside is, there's only going to be so much I can do since I'm on a six day work week with the Aunt going to visit mom and the other aunts. This is going to do interesting things to my productivity levels.
kittydesade: Skeins of yarn hanging to dry, in view yellow and red, deep blue behind. (fiber arts is all)
Ow. Owie ow ow. So the other night capoeira was a whole lot of basics. Except unlike the classes where there's a bunch of new people and we're doing very slow basics with lots of pauses for explanation, this was a class with Puck and the other mainly recurring student and so it was much more basic moves and evasions at a fastish clip over and over and over with nitpicking the little things and then doing those with attention to detail over and over. And ow.

It's funny how a class in "the basics" can vary in difficulty depending on if it's teaching the basics for the first time or going over the basics to perfect them.

Almost done with the sample, which means I can work on other things now yay. But I've also rediscovered my love of lace knitting. Oops. I also lost a stitch marker, which immediately kicked off a need to buy more stitch markers because omg losing all of them! No, self, you're not losing all your stitch markers. They're just also on twenty different projects because you have a bajillion projects on needles. Actually only three or four projects including one that's umpteen million stitches long. I really need to finish that one. Also I finally have blocking boards! Because of the aforementioned lace knitting kick. Although I still have umpteen projects to finish.

No, I take it back, I lost at least two markers, I am getting another damn set of stitch markers if I'm going to be losing them at this rate. At least they're cheapish. Or rather, I pay 20 including shipping for 32 of them from an indie lady on Etsy and they're pretty and I'm supporting indie business and that's a lot of damn stitch markers. Also I need to get the fucking star chart shawl off of the damn needles because that's taking up at least half of them.

Blergh. Between wanting to get the sample finished and a couple other day jobligations I have had no focus for writing. Hopefully that'll change once I get home. I really do need to get some shit written down so I can start edits, finish the one story, and, well, keep going on everything. But with last night's thunderstorm and subsequent lack of sleep, not to mention endless muscle aches, I'm lucky that I have enough executive function to get through the day. Blergh I say!


kittydesade: (Default)

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