[sticky entry] Sticky: Writing Progress

Jan. 2nd, 2017 03:43 pm
kittydesade: An open book with the top edge smouldering on fire (break my staff burn my book)


New Amsterdam Wiki Entries: 22
Nerd Girls Wiki Entries:
Modern Witch Wiki Entries: 1

Stories Published

[sticky entry] Sticky: Iwanna

Jul. 7th, 2027 05:33 pm
kittydesade: (to-do list)
For when I have free money, or to save up for these things:

Much needed:
New jazz sneakers
2 pair blue sweats?

General:
Look at your Etsy wish list
Look at your Modcloth wish list
Look at your makeup spreadsheet (Eyeliners, Notoriously Morbid Changeling lip overglosses)

Specific
These in all colors but the light gray and dark brown.
Black Magic or Mad Science shirt
You need this t-shirt in your life.
Jeans that are not simple Lands End/LL Bean


Graphic Novels
Leaving Megalopolis
Secret Six: Friends in Low Places
Hawkeye: My Life As A Weapon
Hawkeye: LA Woman
kittydesade: A cup of tea sits on an open book with perhaps some poetry written in it and singing around the edges (books and cleverness)
Today is apparently More Joy Day, so I will post only happy things.

I had an absolutely fabulous makeup day today. Even though I got distracted by a thing and ended up running late I also ended up with fabulous makeup. I remembered to bring materials for a healthy lunch, and my music is helping keep me energized and upbeat, or at least energized and wrathful enough to fight off the despair. It depends on the song and my mood. Also I brought headphones to work in case the Lurking Bandit blasts (he's half deaf) the inauguration so I don't have to listen to NPR today.

I went to order my next chunk of research books at the local bookstore and discovered there's a discount card for a lot of local stores (at least ten or twelve that I frequent anyway and a few more that I've thought of) that'll take on average 10% off whatever purchases I make, or services I get. Including the boy's massage place! Plus the girl there was very friendly and I found a Medici/Renaissance Florence/etc book that I don't need but look I'm finding that more and more fun anyway so *shrug*

I have an overabundance of things I could be doing, but my brain isn't working overdrive on Must! Do! All of them! For which I am fairly grateful. I am getting them done one by one, and not overstressing myself as I do.

Bat Cat went into the cat carrier by himself today, which means we might be able to get him into the carrier and take him to the vet without much incident. The boy also said he carried him around the house to at least introduce him by sight to the others. I'm not sure how much that'll do because they've already seen him several times at least, out the front windows and from the back patio, but sure why not. It can't hurt and they can at least smell him in the rest of the house too. Plus it gets Bat Cat used to being carried.

And the boy's dentistry yesterday, semi-emergency dentistry because he knew his molar had a chip in it but hadn't taken care of it because there were insurance and finding a new dentist issues to resolve. But that went well and cost considerably less than we expected because it wasn't as bad as the dentist had initially guessed. (Or predicted, possibly, in case he was wrong.) So it was more like $Massachusetts instead of $Montana.

So those are my happy things. Leave me a comment with a topic, either one you've seen me talk about here or one at complete random, and I will tell you something that brings me joy of it! Even if it's just "gee this looks cool I'd love to learn more" because come on, if there's one thing you should know about me by now it's that learning new things always brings me joy.
kittydesade: (lioness)
Oh god today is ESL day. First I helped out with a Russian translation that I hope is correct and then I had an ESL person (first language unknown. or first and second. or first and second and third) on the phone for a more or less functioning conversation although I had to ask her to repeat herself a couple of times. By the end of it I was understanding her pretty well so maybe she just needed to gear up the way I need to gear up for some of my own less well known languages. I have much sympathy for that.

But now my head is spinning and I'm being tangentially inundated with Spanish and nooooo augh. Can I have one language for a while? It doesn't even have to be English although that obviously being in the US would be most convenient.

Fffugh. I came in to work with all intentions of getting a pile of things done and I got some work things done! And barely anything else because I am dragging all to hell and back. Pretty sure this is just a result of my knee deciding to take capoeira off and then me having to sweat harder than usual, but I don't care it still sucks. Now I have to be superefficient at home in sweats when all I really want to do is lie back and study all the languages and watch hot people in kung fu movies.

At this rate I might not go to the downtown march after class tomorrow, I might just go home and fall over. We'll see.

I can't tell if this is politics-related depression or period exhaustion. Ugh. Dragging myself through my daily tasks one at a time. I'm not sure if this is better or worse than lacking executive function, feeling like I'm going to fall asleep or like my legs barely have enough strength to take me to where I need to go. Probably period exhaustion, I think executive function is the first to go so's I notice when I take a hit to the psyche. And right now my executive function is working well enough for me to get through the day, it's just keeping my eyes open.

And doing the things I should be doing rather than getting dragged off to a thousand side tangents. I want to make a scrapbook along the lines that my heroine in Malachy would make for her spellbook, and I have enough markers and things but no scrapbooking supplies beyond that. (Or any idea how to make a scrapbook for that matter, that was a fad that passed me by.) I want to clean the entire house but after this weekend's capoeira I definitely won't have enough energy to do all that that I want to do. I want to go through Khan Academy and my language book collection and take endless notes, but for that I'd need like an eighteen month long stipend to cover my expenses while I do nothing but roll around in languages. That's not likely to happen either.

Soooo blegh. Bit by bit. Piece by piece, thing by thing, etc. I'll get through this, I only have three or four more days of period anyway. And four more years of the political bullshit, but I'm too wary of the uncertainty (and angry at the sheer and willful stupidity) to be either too paralyzed or too ready to despair. Uncertainty can work as much for us as against us, given that by the very nature it means it's hard to tell how fucked we are. Bit by bit. Day by day. It may be dire, but hey. Like the man said, it's not the end of the world till it's the end of the world.
kittydesade: (the anti-WRITE!)
Whaargbleugh. Also I need to start keeping looseleaf at work, I think. Also the boy stole a pack of my looseleaf and then didn't do anything with it, which wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't have an open pack right out there on the shelf. He didn't have to raid one from the office storage area.

So basically this is what's going on in my life today, minor irritations plus the futility of calling people and telling them that they had better get on the whole treason thing while they still can. Not that anyone will. But hey.

In the line of Wednesday Reads, I think I've figured out how I'm going to proceed (somehow) by reading three books simultaneously. The first currently being The Key of Solomon the King SL MacGregor Mathers version because that's what I have to hand, and when I get paid I'll get another version of a similarish text that someone recommended. The second being The Body Keeps the Score, which I'm still working on because I'm never going to be not too stressed to read it, or at least not in the next for years. And the third being Hammered by Kevin Hearne because if I don't churn down some fiction periodically I may go insane. And then when I finish the Key of Solomon I'll switch it out for the Galdrabok, and Hammered for the second Inheritance trilogy so I alternate between Hearne and other authors, and so on down the line.

My old professor the overeager puppy, possibly hereafter to be referred to as Professor Puppy, got back to me with a couple of titles so when I get paid tomorrow I can get at least one of them. It's available cheap on Amazon but I think I'm going to keep to trying to toss money at my local bookstore at least for this. If nothing else, not buying cheap books will keep a rein on my reading list for a while. (And yes, I already checked the local used bookstore and the mythology book isn't there.)

Brain is still going in circles, although I think I've managed to seize control some how and make it at least go in the occasional straight line to complete a small task here and there. I've also been going back and forth through this window for at least five hours now, so, heh. Maybe not so much? Also I did just figure out what I need to do in White Lightning and uuuuuughghgggh so much work so much throwing out of crap this is going to be a pain in the ass. I mean the plus side is I'm making progress on the writing side of things at a faster clip than, well, for a while? On the minus side ARGH WHY.
kittydesade: (disapproving hauser)
Blergh, why are all the books I want for research around $30, with no reviews on them ever. (The current subject of complaint is ancient Irish history, for the record.) (Although speaking of records I'm not sure such records exist for the eras I want to look at. I'm still going to complain.)

But I did finish making all the notes on Malachy, which is to say I got to about 20 pages before the end and stopped because once I've done all the rewriting and patching together I'm going to do those last pages will probably look a lot different. By that point I'll probably be rewriting the whole thing, so the hell with editing it just now. Which means it's off to Long Road, and refreshing myself of the eras, places, etc, where that's going to be set and what I need to read and research for it. Yay!

No, actually yay, because I love reading about history and things.

Ugh for a lot of other things. I really, really need to get better about going to bed on time, as I periodically do but I think especially in winter. Still haven't worked that one out. I started food tracking just in time to run smack into period bloat so not only do I feel uncomfortable in my body the scale is trying to murder me in the brainpan. And both the Aunt and the Elf Lord have just gotten over some fairly hideous colds that I'm sure I've been fighting off, and I don't wanna. Blegh.

I mean I guess the plus side is the rest of everything is going well? I heard back from my old professor which was kind of terrifying, but I also got some good recs to start and he offered to help further after he got settled into the semester, so. YAY. Sources. I made it through one novel only about a week longer than I planned for, I'm working on the second one, and as soon as I get off my ass and make my story priority list (possibly tonight) I can get working on White Lightning. Most other stuff is going well. House stuff is going well. Bat Cat is settling in about as well as one can expect when he's quarantined in one room and a bathroom.

I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop but I think the endless cascade of shoes is coming entirely from the political situation right now. Yay.

Oh hell. Sure, I'll do the meme. Which fictional setting would you put me in, and what sort of role would I play there?
kittydesade: (nameless is dubious)
I didn't have this headache when I got up and started getting ready for work, I swear.

Somehow I am getting shit done anyway. Small fiddly things like language practice in the mornings, hopefully bigger stuff like working on finishing the readover of Malchy in the afternoon. Then a readover of Long Road and a readover of what I have currently of Illyria/Glaucon which still doesn't have a title I'm happy with grrr. Somehow it will get done.

... not helped by the fact that being almost done with the Malachy read-through means I've realized how much of the ending and the underlying antagonist structure I have to research and rewrite argh.

My mother continues to be my mother, which means that while I'm dragging myself for a token appearance at the Asheville sister march to the women's march on Washington (it's right after morning capoeira so I'm undoubtedly going to be exhausted) she will be marching and shouting and god knows what all else. I learned my protesting and union-advocating and so on from her, she was marching and protesting when I was in diapers and before. I actually think it does her good to be this kind of energized, to have something she understands how to fight for. I could maybe, if we EVER have another era of calm again, guide her along advocating something like anti-online-bullying or something else, but this marching and protesting and organizing and banding together, this she understands down in her bones.

... I am tamed by the ferals, Cassius has only to meow at the utility room door and I go to pay him attention and feed him.

I'm not sure there's much other news. Politics continues to be a shitshow, and I'm not sure how much I can do about the immediate problems as far as Congress goes. My representative's newsletter email was turgid with gloating about how they were going to take down the ACA and I didn't see an upcoming town hall where I could ask him why he wanted me to die so much. My Senator is more quietly in favor of tearing down everything we've built in the last eight years but he's also pursuing the Russia portion with what seems to be the fervor of the true patriot. So to speak. So... eh? I'm not going to vote for him if he runs again next year, not unless he changes a lot of his stance on domestic issues, but yes go take a bite out of espionage. Go go go. Heres a geiger counter and a poison tester.

Yeah. Russia. Or to be more accurate since I actually love the country and wouldn't mind visiting someday, Putin. Fuck that guy.
kittydesade: (wiseman)
Ugh politics. Ugh intelligence. Not the thinking analyzing critically watching kind, the espionage kind. Ugh everything. And at this point so much has been happening that it's impossible to summarize or point at any one thing that's bothering me, I just want to throttle everyone. And possibly wade in and fix it because I'm reasonably sure my analytical mind could help. Also that the stress might literally kill me. I'm sure they have plenty of competent people over there and the clearance and proving time would completely make it not worth it. Plus I like my life, house, boyfriend, job, here.

I just. Really want to smack everyone.

I do have four books from the library to read bringing me up to seven or so books that I'm now going to be in the middle of. This needs to change seriously, which means I need to find focus from somewhere. It's not going to happen anytime in a hurry, but maybe it'll happen as I start being more mindful about not halfassing ten things at once. Full ass. Both cheeks. It's a thing. It's only going to be a more dangerous thing as shit gets darker and grittier.

I don't like this dark gritty reboot of the US either, can I have a different reboot? Maybe something by Javi or Bryan Fuller or, god help me, I would take a reboot from Baz Luhrmann before this Kurt Sutterish US. (Baz Lurhmann is a fully competent director I just don't like his style. At all. I like Strictly Ballroom and that's about it.)

I did get reasonably far at least with edits last night, and did do some of my languages, so routines are holding steady. The house isn't in fact a complete pigsty, and we're slowly accumulating things to make it stay Not A Pigsty as I get better about figuring out how things need to be organized. I have to think of it this way or I'll scream, but it's also kind of true. I figured out that the spices being where they are just makes a routinely bigger mess, so they got moved. I got one kind of bookend that didn't work so now all the piles of books are carefully bookended. Remembering to put away my language books when I'm done is slowly taking root. Putting away one to three things every time I get off the couch is also slowly taking root. Bit by bit. Another ten years and I might be a civilized human being with a neat residence. >.>

(Not as long as I have cats I won't.)

I don't know. Annoyance with politics and low-level fear aside, I do feel like I have mostly a handle on things. Which isn't a place I expected to be in right now. The things that are bugging me (sleeping way too long, being scatterbrained) have answers. The physical things I shuffle around every day are slowly being sorted. I really have no idea how long this feeling like I've got it all together is going to last, either because it never does or because the world is profoundly fucked up right now. I hope it does, though.

Back to work. So many books to write. And read. And page things to code. And I need to start making to-do lists again so that I can keep it all straight in my head and keep going. Already have all the weapons that I need, and so on.
kittydesade: A small stack of books tied together with string, a blue book is the top book with a card with a blue heart on top. (always something to be read)
And I was doing so good at not spending money till my next paycheck, and then I went and spent money. On a membership to Universal FanCon (by the time I post this you won't be able to pledge probably but here's the link anyway) in the hopes that I might be able to go sometime next year. It's not quite as faint a hope as it seems, if I can get a hotel room I might be able to get Mom to cover the plane fare and go visit her for a few days before or after the con. Which would also be fun. But oy. But at least I didn't back it at very much money. It was the whole thing where founding members get lifetime memberships that did it. That's a really good value if this takes off, and not a very big loss at all if we only get one convention out of it. Not really a loss at all really if we only get one convention out of it.

I'm mainlining Korra now. I want to shake Korra a lot of the time, but at least I know it ends well. And I probably won't want to shake her most of the time by the end. (Also she's probably me at that age. Let's be fair. I was totally that righteous and oh god that "I WILL DO THE THING" and deeply confused.)

I had a moment today of I want all the books. Again. Right now I want an Ars Goetia and a Lesser Key of Solomon maybe? I have the Key of Solomon the King, and the problem is there's like fifty of these books and I don't know how different they are. And a Pseudomonarchia Daemonium. I definitely need one of those, I don't have one yet. (And I should probably get to reading and working on White Lightning short stories too.) Argh too much research and writing and it's not my actual day job.

So, yes. I'm somewhat more cheerful today, even with the ACA votes meaning Congress is voting to kill us all rather than make it an even split for health care. And even with spending money I shouldn't have that means I now have less to spend on books in the immediate oops. Dammit, self, you have plenty of books to read as it is. And should get back to that. I'mma get back to that.
kittydesade: A bird of prey against a blue sky, saturated to express the golds and blues (ravenclaw)
Politics today (and yesterday, which is when this started) is driving me up all of the walls. Up and down a whole bunch of walls. Possibly the Great Wall. Apart from Sessions getting softball questions all day SCOTUS has now decided that we don't need new districts and elections in a hurry it's fine. God knows whether or not they're going to actually decide if we need to redraw the districts, we might be in for another four-five years of this bullshit. Four-fourteen? Depending on what happens at the next census. If there is a next census and we haven't descended into civil war. Don't get me started on the press conference clusterfuck and all that that implies.

So, yes. That is how far up the wall this day in politics is driving me. Plus I can't get my usual BC so far because every goddamn pharmacy I've talked to is out of it. The big grocery chain pharmacy does have a generic substitute, which I thought I was already taking the generic substitute, but. I'll get it and compare the ingredients with what I have. Still, the whole situation is stressful and not at all reassuring.

SO. Better news. Better something. I've started downloading all of the language files to flash drive, I really want a hard drive to back up that and my music and some other research PDFs but later. But for now, I think there are literally hundreds of languages in here. A few hundred at least, it claims 1300+ but until I start writing down all the names of the languages I question how extensive and their definition of "language book I have" and. But it's amazing. So much information, so many texts. All I need is notebooks and pens and an ability to read this information and I could be very happy and amuse myself for years. Literal years.

I mainlined Avatar: The Last Airbender in a little over a weekend, and the boy decided that since I liked it so much we'll get both that and Korra on DVD so, um. I have been converted? Also apparently I'm closest to the Earthbender. We now pause while I faceplant into a wall and mutter something about earth sided, Taurons, Tauruses, and all that.

I've been sleeping and/or fucking off a lot more than I meant to be the last few days, but overall I think my stress levels are high enough that I'm doing pretty damn good to get most of my shit done by the end of the day. I'm behind on novel work but not horribly far behind, and since I'm not going to capoeira tonight because today was too much of a scramble and the press conference fucked with my head even more I can spend most of this afternoon and tonight catching up, so there's that at least. Probably what I need to do is get off Twitter, which is my main source of news-related stress these days, for a while and just write.

I also want to just hang out and draw, but I think at this point I need to confine it to a half an hour here and there around my other work. Which is sad and pouty but eh. No, what I first need to do is get through the read-through of Long Road and Malachy and then I can start on going back and forth with art and everything else. Things that are soothing. God knows very little is soothing right now. But studying and practicing and so on is.
kittydesade: (never deal with a dragon)
I really, really, really need to remember to identify myself as a constituent to the offices I'm calling. Because okay, I talk like a Sorkin character. I was raised in an upper-middle class family in upper-class DC, I had embassies down the street from my house, I went to school with high-ranking politicians' kids, I really talk like it when I'm talking just at home to the BF. And when I'm tired, annoyed, and on the phone with my representatives. (I don't talk like this to customers, I've managed to get out of the habit, thankfully.) Also, I have a DC phone because that's where my immediate family lived for ages and we haven't changed our number in about that long.

So when I call up my Senator and say "as chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee I would expect him to wait until all the appropriate intelligence is in before confirming Sessions etc" as my DC way of DUDE BACKGROUND CHECKS WHAT THE FUCK, and I don't identify myself, and my phone has a DC number, I... who does he think is calling him? Go go inadvertent social engineering?

I kind of hope go go inadvertent social engineering. Maybe he thinks I'm with the CIA or something ridiculous like that. I would laugh my ass off.

Buuut that still doesn't count towards him being aware of what his constituents want, not that he necessarily gives a shit, but hey. So I should be good. Really.

Anyway. The weekend was surprisingly productive, I got a bunch of chicken shredded for later purposes, I got a cake baked and frosted with the last of the ganache FINALLY, apparently ganache for a two-layer 9" cake is one pack of chips and half a pint of heavy cream. NOT TWO. And I got dinner for tonight started, all it needs is some butter and cream, and spaghetti was made and pesto was also made because for no apparent reason, after a 6" snowfall, the boy decided that afternoon that what he wanted to make was pesto. I don't get it. I did poke him the whole way there and back (all of half a mile? a mile?) that this was a stupid trip, we didn't need anything at the grocery store. This is why we keep stocked all winter so we don't run into crowds and don't have to venture out on ice.

I finally broke out my brush pens. Overall I think the Pentel and the Pilot will probably be best for artwork, but the Kuretake is AMAZING for calligraphy. And the Tombow. I might get more Kuretake and Tombow pens for Japanese practice. I didn't get as much drawing as I wanted to, but maybe today since it's relatively quiet at work. For a value of relatively because people are wandering around being edgy about how their car won't start and it's making me edgy too. As it does.

T-11 days and counting to hell? I really don't know what to expect, and that bothers me worse than the alternative. So it goes.
kittydesade: (painting)
Okay, so far the only feedback I've gotten on the title "Lifestyles of the Modern Witch" is good feedback, so I'll run with that I guess at least until such time as I don't know even. So this ought to be interesting!

The boy is really really fed up with the car and looking at a replacement, and I'm fighting him on it in an effort to remind him that we don't want to pay a car payment and health insurance for both of us and god knows what else might happen, but. I don't know. We'll see how that shakes out. We'll see how the car dealership does at making this up to us. I guess the good part is we can wait for a car that meets our expectations, does what we need it to do and no more, etc. Did I say this in public? I don't think I did, the last time we got a new car it was because the transmission might well have dropped out of the last one. Not quite literally, but close. So we were in a bit of a hurry. This time, much less so, we're cleaning out the garage so there's one less place for debris to clog up the drains on the sunroof and hopefully it'll leak less. The car functions fine otherwise. If I can sit on his head about it, we'll be fine.

Once again, health goals are kicking into high gear as I pull myself together for a several year stretch of fighting myself on every damn thing. Which means food logging, which means, making sure there are protein things I want to eat that don't involve buying a chicken salad sandwich down the street. Which at the moment means making a shitload of bean burritos and freezing them for future consumption, keeping tuna and mayo and crackers at work, keeping cottage cheese and orange slices? at home. Well, testing that theory right now and then I can keep them at home if it works out, if not the cottage cheese can go in cheese sauce again. And then I need to actually remember to eat them instead of going straight for the mac and cheese. I might start dedicating a single shelf to "here are the cranberries, here is the cabbage, here is the shredded chicken, LOOK IT'S EASY ASSEMBLY FUCKING EAT HEALTHIER." Avoid the carb crash. Actually, that's not a bad idea. The keeping everything together on a shelf, that is. Making it then more likely that I'll see it and assemble something.

I don't know, maybe it is futile? But since I started I did learn that I can eat cottage cheese and make it into a lighter cheese sauce. I've learned to keep tuna and crackers at work. I've learned that tomato soup is something I can keep at work for a fairly long time and eat a large amount of healthy. Every time I try to eat better and get in better habits, a little of it sticks a little more. So let's see if this time what sticks is keeping shredded chicken and wrap bits in the fridge.

Still fairly worried and horrified by what's coming. Still battening down the hatches as much as I can. I'm not sure there's anything I can do more than I have already. I did get a small raise at work! That's a positive that may help me pay down/off the credit card sooner. I have a metric shitton of yarn to knit, sketchbooks to draw in, and infinite space on hard drives for novels as long as I have power and, hopefully, internet. I have all the language textbooks I could possibly use for the next ever. (I'm not kidding, at some point someone posted a PDF full of scans of things and the only way I could be more paranoid about having it no matter what is if I printed it to hard copy.) Oddly, or perhaps not given where I come from, I think I've hit the point where as long as the essentials of my life (roof over my head, food on the table, steady income) stay put, the luxuries I've got handled.

Of course it's the essentials that are in question right now with the Tangerine Tyrant and his backup singers of hell in power, but at least I have small things to make life livable while I call and call and call my congresspeople and fight as best I can.
kittydesade: Stippled light shining through curtains onto a couch or bed bracketed by white pillows. (hideaway)
Okay. I am taking a breath and admitting that the next four years may bring more comfort eating than I'd like, and so it's time to get back to food logging again. Also finding things to make me happy or at least calmer that aren't making mug brownies. Though sketching might help with that. Coloring. I need to get into the habit of just doodling, progressive doodling and not the doodling equivalent of hypergraphia where i write the same five song lyrics over and over and over again. Maybe I can make doodles out of kanji and learn them at the same time. That'd probably be better for me than stress eating.

Thinking of doodling, here's a coping mechanism for you that I just thought of. Well, it started up as me thinking of how god I'm going to get so tired of all these reminders and habits and this support structure I'm building up to survive the next four years, and somewhere in there the word exoskeleton came into play. Which is actually a rather cool thing to have. So now I'm thinking of all these little reminders and notations and keeping track of my food structure and so on as an exoskeleton, an exo-suit, dare I even say it a Jaeger (*waves to the braintwin*) to keep us protected and give us the ammo we need to fight the goddamn KaiGOPu. Oh that doesn't portmanteau well at all, forget I said it. GOP can be the name of the category 5 Kaiju.

Doing... I don't know if better is the right word. More snappy and irritable than ideating today, energy levels are up. Mood is, honestly, also up despite everything, which might have something to do with capoeira last night or just getting enough sleep. The night before I think, even with melatonin, had more to do with having too many layers and being too hot and sweaty. Last night i woke up, swapped my long-sleeve for a tank top, and burrowed back under the covers and I was fine.

The roof leak problem in the car turned out to be the clogged channels, again. Which makes it the third time in as many months the boy's shelled out a couple hundred dollars, the equivalent of a car payment, for them to do exactly dick. He's muttering about getting a new-used car and trading this one in, I'm trying to get him to hold off a couple years till we can get at least my credit card under control. To be fair, he's also cleaning out the garage so he can park the car in there for rainy days, and that'll help some. Also help it not get clogged up with tree debris, which might... but I don't know. I don't think the dealership folks are doing their damn jobs, either.

(No, they're definitely not doing their jobs, because he just got the car home from the dealership, used the hose to spray water over the top, and it's still leaking after they fixed it $300 worth. So fuck them.)

No, the doing better was totally a lie because with that last bit of news and the voting to continue defunding the ACA, I'm back down to everything is horrible eat cake till I die mood again. Let's see if I can get through stuff regardless. Also, I have sketchbooks and pencils and many stories to write and organize and edit and sort. Let's do this thing.
kittydesade: (morning ugh)
So, guess who didn't get his vet visit this morning and who therefore has to stay in quarantine. Yep. Plus the cats are wormy and flea-y again so we need to get that medication, and the home visit vet is booked up and not taking new clients. Yay. I guess the plus side is though that if we get on his client roster it's a home vet visit once a year to get everyone their shots and the worst we have to do is chase everyone around the house and lock them in the bedroom a bit. That's somehow much easier than stuffing them into the carrier, we do it every few months for flea stuff anyway.

I'm tired of worrying about that and I'm tired of freaking out because Congress wants to kill off large swaths of the US population by repealing the ACA. I'm really freaked out by that, considering that's where I get my health insurance and even though I have an out; if the boy and I get legally married I'll just go on his insurance. It won't be cheap, but it'll be better than me going off my current meds and being severely bipolar half the time. Probably literally half the time.

I can't think about this too much. I do need to call my congressfolk tomorrow morning, probably again at 6.30 so I don't have to deal with humans, and encourage other NCers to call their congressperson too. And. And I need to somehow shake this feeling of impending doom and inability to adult properly so why do I even exist. Yes, the weariness is so heavy that the ideation is cropping up again. Yay.

At least at this point I'm probably better equipped to deal with it than I was the last time.

Happier goddamn things. I got Aeon Timeline 2 installed on the desktop and Bat Cat, despite everything, has not taken to hiding from us or hissing or clawing us, he's still as affectionate as ever as long as we don't put him in the enclosed carrier. The half open carrier (it's one of those that splits apart) is fine! Just not the enclosed one. I started up a wiki for Black Ice/New Amsterdam, etc, and got one thing on it from the doc I'd started. I think I might just delete that doc so it doesn't clutter and keep working in there, and seriously phone Scrivener is one of the best purchases I've ever made. Love. So I am making progress on writing things, very slowly but definitely steadily. I've been a little too freaked/work's been a little too busy for me to make progress on reading, but I'm still working on that. Currently on book 2 of NK Jemisin's Inheritance Trilogy and working down The Body Keeps The Score. So. Things aren't all bad. Just one big-ish thing and one huge nationwide thing. But I'll get through this. Really, I will. Promise.
kittydesade: A delicate hand reaching up to pluck fruit from a tree (give me the fucking fruit)
I am so damn tired. I woke up, I called my Congressperson about the dumbass attempt to undermine everything about House oversight, we tried to get Bat Cat into the carrier. He would not go into the carrier. He really doesn't like the carrier. Two minutes (if that, literally it was within a minute or two) after trying to stuff him in the carrier he's wandering around the room, petting himself on our fingers, a little wary but generally friendly. After three or four attempts he still politely ate treats from my hand (and licked my palm, and slobbered on my fingers.) Try to get him into the carrier and he turns into a flailing ball of scream.

Of course now I'm freaked out because I don't want to take him to the vet in case he tries to bite the vet or does bite the vet and they chop his head off to test for rabies. Which I know is catastrophizing, but they don't take the same care necessarily with feral cats as they do with established domestic ones (vets in general, I don't know about this vet) and I don't know how Bat Cat will be with people who are not me and the boy. And ugh. Added stress I did not need.

And I'm tired. I feel like I'm under an unusual amount of life or death stress right now but I think mostly it's the cat. Poor kitty we maybe shouldn't have taken in, although he's loving being inside. Curls up on the chair, he hasn't even hidden under anything for longer than thirty minutes or so. Pets himself with our fingers, bunts, purrs loudly. He touched noses with me once. Argh.

I got a number of writing things done last night, including prepping a Scrivener document for the Malachy world wiki (I need a pithy series name for it ugh. Lifestyles of the Modern Witch is what I'm considering) and I got a timeline document started, and my 500 words written although not logged, meh. I'll figure out what the specifics are of that when I get home. I really, really, really need to somehow, somewhere, organize what I need to do no, never mind, what I really, really need is a light day at work or another more quiet weekend. But I think I have the writing stuff organized.

Or maybe I need a week off to sleep and cry and feel some depressed feelings and scream and shoot crappy dishware with a shotgun. Or rifle or whatever. I can't tell if I need to sleep or kick things. Maybe both. I'm so damn tired. One thing at a time. One foot in front of the other.
kittydesade: Vials containing things like feathers or flower petals (potion ingredients)
Yes, I am doing the thing with the LJ and the stuff and the going bye-bye, for the predictable reason but also because I just haven't logged in over there on any account whatsoever for, um. Years. Many years. I'm saving Pam and Nameless's stuff, I've imported Glaucon and Sam, and that's probably about it for me, honestly. I just haven't been posting or checking there. If you want me you can find me here, on Twitter, on tumblr, mainly with the same or a similar username.

Yesterday I ended up with a bad case of my head is too full and I have too many things to read, blegh. Today I ended up with a bad case of I have too many writing projects that I'm doing at the same time while I'm trying to do work things, and I can't tell if this is leading to a bad case of manic depression or other bipolarism/hypergraphia or if I'm just at the beginning stage where I want to do all the projects. Given current situations hell, it could be either. Aaargh.

And. While I'm thinking of that, though, and depression and everything, I have some thought on Jan 20 and everything. I mean, the election happened, and for a lot of people (including me, just ask my very patient boyfriend who was up with me all night while I had a panic attack) it felt as though the world ended. But it didn't so much end as our workload and daily struggle got added to, there was no big catastrophic bang. And on Jan 20, Jan 21, I think I at least am bracing for a catastrophic bang, and it's not going to happen. It's going to be more work, and more struggle, but there is no one moment of explosion and all the buildings immediately transform into a post apocalyptic set piece.

I don't know. I think maybe that's taking up energy I should be using elsewhere, such as figuring out how to organize my daily resistance action items and reminding myself that living well, especially when my living well includes studying other languages and cultures and being mindful of human difference is to be cherished and not stamped out, is a good resistance sometimes. There will be action items to call Senators about, I should dig up that spreadsheet and hope the people are updating it. I'm following the ACLU for my state on Twitter. I should keep a stash of stamps and envelopes in my computer desk so I can send Strongly Worded Letters to places like Simon and Schuster and so on. And other than that... and maybe making a small lawn-sized public spectacle of myself learning things... there's not too much I can do about what's coming. This isn't the kind of thing that ends with a bang and it's not going to be a revolution where I can pick up a musket and stand a post. And I need to remember that.

... No, what else I should be doing is looking at my month's goals on [community profile] inkingitout and seeing if anything needs to change now that I know I should be working on story wikis for the stories I'm editing. And then put the month's goals somewhere I can see them again and maybe that'll calm my brain down, when everything's organized. The rest shall stay as they are. /Hamlet

There. Now we feel better. Now we can get to doing work.
kittydesade: (under construction (nopejr))
Well, I did sleep quite a bit last night. Went to bed early and slept, so I felt somewhat better this morning although not inclined to do my usual energetic exercises. So I did less energetic ones! Slowly getting back into the habit of regular exercise, is the point, and just in time to start capoeira again. Heh. Nothing much got done last night, though, I got home, fell asleep, logged on, faffed around, did get some editing done but that was about it. Too damn tired.

Hopefully going to bed and getting extra sleep will help. And I did get some coding and things done at work, so I don't feel so bad about much except the languages.

And the house. Which is getting messy again, although the office is at least staying relatively clean. I do need to go through the file cabinet and clean that out and I'm not sure what to do with the old letters and photos that I kind of want to keep but will likely only ever look at a handful more times in my lifetime. Argh. Maybe put them in a shoebox in a closet and then scan them in periodically.

I keep seeing all these year in review posts and eyeballing them to see how much of them will consist of IT FUCKING SUCKED. Because it fucking did. There were good points? An ebola vaccine and the ozone layer healing itself and emissions holding steady and green technology becoming a big market trend are nothing to sneeze at. But still.

Actually I'm kind of impressed that anything is happening at all today or happened at all yesterday. Yesterday I was exhausted, today I have some energy but apparently no focus. I feel like I need to get a list going of all the things I need to do just to get anything done instead of starting ten things and finishing none of them. To steal a metaphor I saw somewhere on tumblr, my brain has two many tabs open, at least two of them are autoplaying music and one of them autoplayed a news clip about Russia that won't go away. That one we'll call anxiety and if I could find the mute button...

Anyway. I guess the thing to do is finish the cover art for Q&P as much as it's going to get finished without the fonts I have at home, finish coding the HTML, do some edits on Turing Shrugged and maybe get halfway to finished, and then work on some writing. That seems like a reasonable order of operations. If I get pulled out to the front, well, there's reading and knitting and sketching I can do there, but until then I am blessedly at the computer again since today seems to be not quite as ridiculous with people wandering in and out of the store and stealing the fucking Addi knitting needles. Nothing so aggravating to a shopgirl as finding empty packaging of stolen merch. GRRR. Assholes.
kittydesade: (set 'em up)
I think I need more than ten naps at this point. I'm not sure how many but I know I need a bunch. Work has slowed down somewhat at the front lately, hasn't picked back up in the mail order but it's still busy and I spent a good chunk of this morning stocking about as much as can be stocked and now we just need to wait and reorder and. I swear this sentence had a coherent ending but I'm definitely not right now.

And I can't find my stupid origami paper, which is bugging me more than I expected given that I haven't done any for a few weeks.

I think the thing that surprises me most about my various book sales is that I have any. After the initial surge of interest. There are book sales? What madness is this? I'm notoriously bad about self-promoting, I've mentioned it on this very journal many many times, and yet. Maybe I should start getting better about self-promotion. (Maybe I should finish the hard-copy edits I got after DragonCon and haven't dealt with because of the global shitshow that's been taking place since then. Heh.)

Okay, I'm slowly working on getting Queen and Parliament up at least. I put a link to Sandborn the novel in the short story that goes with it, and if you want a link to pass around for my free short stories they're here. I did get all the paragraph breaks in Q&P coded in at least, which is most of the effort. And then going through and double checking for brackets, looking for italics, that kind of thing. Bit by bit, stuff's getting done. Bit by very slow bit and mostly pushing myself and maybe I should go to bed early tonight. Or at least crawl under the covers and read some fiction. But today was the slowest work day all week, so it might be easing up.

Global politics is not easing up, so fuck that I'm going to hide in my fiction because I really don't want to think about what's going on today. I don't have the energy.
kittydesade: A woman's face masqued with black lace (not always weak)
Everything still hurts. The year started out with losing David Bowie who influenced so, so, so much of my self and my creative world, and it ended with losing Carrie Fisher, who influenced slightly less of my self and my creative world but so, so much of my feminine badassery. And, heh, my blu-ray of The Force Awakens finally arrived. I got it in the very faint hope that I would be able to get her to sign the cover one day.

And then I stress bought almost all the Leia pops I could find because fuck everything including my budget. Or at least, all the ones I could find for a reasonable price, I am not paying fifty bucks for a princess leia or 200-500 for a Slave Leia. Actually I'm not paying for a Slave Leia at all unless she comes with a Jabba corpse.

One of the ways I seem to be coping is by using her voice to get me to do things like exercise or eat or scoop the litter. Last night I went through a but I don't want to do anything I want to lie on the bed and stare at Neko Atsume. Which of course meant my brain coughs up "Okay, but just do four of those kicks you love to do. They make you feel like a ninja." Yes, space mom. "And don't forget to get the cat litter. Especially that one stinky crap your new cat took." Followed by Jingle Bells, Bat-Cat smells. Yes, space mom.

I need to call Mom and cry at her, she encouraged my Star Wars and Star Trek obsessions, she'll know exactly what it means.

I don't know. Other than that I managed to get most of my routines yesterday done. I'm starting to resign myself to not having the office ready to redo until February or March, since it won't be warm enough to open the windows and let the paint dry without the smell. Also Bat Cat's in there right now. We can knock the chair rail off though. Get curtain rods for the windows. Set aside money for the paint. Bit by bit. And I'm getting through a lot of reading and slowly building my energy back up. I'm annoyed with myself that I'm not doing much more in terms of activism or anything like that, but I'm not sure what there is to call my senator about. He is the chair of the Intelligence committee, maybe I can ask him to assure me that he will go after the Cheeto of Hate for the Russia bullshit with everything he's got. I don't know. I'm not sure there's much to do yet until the new regime takes power.

Failing all else, I can continue to make good art. I can at least do that. And share it for cheap or for free if I can. Sometimes, let's be fair most of the time these days, it doesn't feel like enough though. I see all these wonderful people who taught us to be so much, to unapologetically be ourselves. And I know we have to find this elsewhere now, but how on earth can I do that? Ever? Anywhere? At all? Argh.

Also I keep crying at inconvenient times. Mostly while I'm at work with bright-ass makeup on my eyes.
kittydesade: An open book with the top edge smouldering on fire (break my staff burn my book)
Welp.

So, Christmas weekend passed quietly, I got some lounging done, some studying done, less cleaning done than I meant to. Sunday was looking pretty good for the cleaning though, I got some dishes started and the chicken started and then I hear Murdock yowling at the back door, so I go to look. It's Bat Cat! At the glass door looking all "yes human I expect my food to be served now." So I go and I get a small dish of dry food and I take it to him, and then, because I'm a lunatic like that, I remember the boy saying "Oh, I miss Bat Cat, he was so cuddly, I worry about him." And I think, well, I don't know if I can get him into the computer room. And then I realize, wait, I don't have to get him into the computer room. I can just put him in the patio.

So I do that. I move the litter boxes from the patio to the inside, or two of them at least, and I close the doors to the house proper, get all the house cats into the house proper and close the doors, and bring Bat Cat in. It takes him about fifteen minutes of him running around the room all "WHAT FUCKERY IS THIS THERE IS GLASS BETWEEN ME AND THE WORLD" before he settles down. Eventually the boy woke up and I told him "Hi Merry Christmas I got you a cat." The last time I told him this it was a stuffed animal cat.

Work has been crazy busy and destroying my sense of time and, apparently, my ability to do anything at home. I mean on the plus side part of what I should be doing at home is also reading, especially since my shitpile of research books came in. But also ugh.

... and to top off all the ugh Carrie Fisher died so I'm going to wrap up this entry and go scream quietly in a closet or something.

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