Warhead On Legs

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In Which Jag Talks About Fitness Things Most People Put Behind Cuts

There's a definite kind of malaise that comes from doing ... what, almost three years now? Of workouts and diet and not managing to keep the weight off. Or the mass, I'm not sure which. This may end up being sort of depressing sounding, but it's true. I fix one thing, and it doesn't fix the overall problem. I have made improvements. I can tell I've made improvements because THIRTY freaking push-ups is getting easy and I can sprint in more about eighth of a mile sections, in winter, without panting or wheezing. And I have asthma. This after I've been running and jumping up and down and over benches, so it's not that there hasn't been progress. It's just that I'm still a size 12-14 in jeans (depending on period bloat and dear lord why did society and biology conspire to give us size neuroses and period bloat?) and I'd really, really like that to go down. Just a size or two! I'll stop at 8, I have no wish to be a size 6 or 4 or 0. Because my genetics dictate that I have hips. And I like my hips. And I like muscle definition, so, yeah, a slightly below 30" waist and a little off my hips and I'll be golden, but it keeps. Not. Happening.

(For the record, I'm 5'1 to 5'2" if I'm wearing my boots with heels. I think I'm actually 5'1 1/2" or so when standing up straight. I can never remember because I so rarely stand up straight, barefoot, against a measuring thing.)

Sigh. No, my headvoices/also me's/inner common sense is right. I only jacked up my workout and started really paying attention to my diet about six weeks before Dragon*Con, and it took until pretty recently for the diet changes to even stick, and the three weeks after Dragon*Con were full of work craziness and delayed con crud and general exhaustion. So now it's down to, from this week (which has actually been pretty decent) through winter, how much of my good habits can I stick to. And see if that leads to a more permanent change. But, god. Three years? I know I can lose it, because I have periods of a few weeks to a month and a half where I'm down at a size 10/30" waist/however you want to measure it.

And then probably what happens is I either panic and go OH GOD I REALLY WILL LOOK LIKE A SUPERHERO AUGH or I go "okay I'm done I can stop now." Which is probably a kind of psychology I should cut the fuck out. So I'll look like a superhero. Isn't that kind of the point? I'll still be me, it's just that my outside will more closely match my inner concept of myself. Which is to say, curvy and kick-ass and full of visibly toned muscle ready to bounce offending persons off the floor. Yes, I'm a violent person. And no, it's not an okay I'm done I can stop now. Exercise feels good. It might be an, okay, I'm done, I can scale it back a bit now, but no. This is a life change. That's why we've been doing it in slow steps to make sure I can live with this. A life change of eating more balanced diets/more protein and less carbs, finding foods that fit that that I'll eat, and cutting the refined sugars the fuck out. Seriously, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I drink water, milk, and occasionally juice and that's it, I cook most of my own meals, but the candy kills me. Still, slow steps. It's a life change, not a diet or a workout plan. There is no, okay I'm done I can stop now. This is me.

Ugh. Three years. Well, three years in three months, so I guess we'll see where I am in three months and if I can still whine then. With a little bit of, not luck, but stubbornness, I'll get back down to where I was in three months the last time I panicked, because, let's face it, I'm not actually that far off from it now. And then, we'll see if I can push me a little further. That's what Courtesan School is about, isn't it? Pushing ourselves to be what we want to be, instead of settling for what we are. ... So, really, what the fuck am I doing here still settling?

(Yes, I'm violent and I swear a lot. Seriously, I'm a lot less aggressive than that makes me sound. I'm also lazy as hell.)