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Aug. 30th, 2020 02:46 pmOn a day to day basis I'm doing... better? I haven't cried in a few days and my body is doing... fewer stress responses. Not none. I'm also sleeping more through the night, helped by realizing that whatever my body is doing is generating so much heat under the blanket it's waking me up, so I switched and grabbed a flannel sheet and that helped. But my ability to handle unexpected stressors is definitely nil. Which is really not good when I have to deal with programming classes, which are designed to fail until you get them right. Urk.
I've been coping by taking a couple days to not, essentially. Finally got Baldur's Gate loaded after a complete breakdown because it wouldn't (drivers needed to be installed apparently, and still need to finish being installed but right now it's running, albeit buggy) and it's working well enough to keep my brain from eating itself. I have zero focus beyond that, though. I promised myself Sunday I was going to do the office cleaning thing and it's 3.30 on a Sunday and I have not cleaned a damn thing except myself. Which is progress.
( Food, weight, etc )
Maybe next week I just take the week off from intensive coding school and just do a couple bits at a time. I'm already ahead a week. That would put me exactly on the schedule I'm supposed to be on, and if I take the week to finish recovering I might be able to get back into chaaaarge mode the week after. I don't know. Argh.
Anxiety over November is not helping. Anxiety over everything else that's going on is not helping. Even if I were in a more stable frame of mind right now it wouldn't be helping and ... well. I don't know what to do at this point except take it very slowly and very carefully, try not to kick myself for not being able to be a revolutionary, and mend. As much as I can. I swear I'm doing better, even if the last couple paragraphs of this sound like I'm not. Better is... not the best. Not my usual self. But better, so far.
I've been coping by taking a couple days to not, essentially. Finally got Baldur's Gate loaded after a complete breakdown because it wouldn't (drivers needed to be installed apparently, and still need to finish being installed but right now it's running, albeit buggy) and it's working well enough to keep my brain from eating itself. I have zero focus beyond that, though. I promised myself Sunday I was going to do the office cleaning thing and it's 3.30 on a Sunday and I have not cleaned a damn thing except myself. Which is progress.
( Food, weight, etc )
Maybe next week I just take the week off from intensive coding school and just do a couple bits at a time. I'm already ahead a week. That would put me exactly on the schedule I'm supposed to be on, and if I take the week to finish recovering I might be able to get back into chaaaarge mode the week after. I don't know. Argh.
Anxiety over November is not helping. Anxiety over everything else that's going on is not helping. Even if I were in a more stable frame of mind right now it wouldn't be helping and ... well. I don't know what to do at this point except take it very slowly and very carefully, try not to kick myself for not being able to be a revolutionary, and mend. As much as I can. I swear I'm doing better, even if the last couple paragraphs of this sound like I'm not. Better is... not the best. Not my usual self. But better, so far.