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Aug. 30th, 2020 02:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittydesadeOn a day to day basis I'm doing... better? I haven't cried in a few days and my body is doing... fewer stress responses. Not none. I'm also sleeping more through the night, helped by realizing that whatever my body is doing is generating so much heat under the blanket it's waking me up, so I switched and grabbed a flannel sheet and that helped. But my ability to handle unexpected stressors is definitely nil. Which is really not good when I have to deal with programming classes, which are designed to fail until you get them right. Urk.
I've been coping by taking a couple days to not, essentially. Finally got Baldur's Gate loaded after a complete breakdown because it wouldn't (drivers needed to be installed apparently, and still need to finish being installed but right now it's running, albeit buggy) and it's working well enough to keep my brain from eating itself. I have zero focus beyond that, though. I promised myself Sunday I was going to do the office cleaning thing and it's 3.30 on a Sunday and I have not cleaned a damn thing except myself. Which is progress.
I even ate a food after I put it off to read the internet and scan tumblr and do silly things and subsequenly looked up, realized it had been twelve hours since I'd eaten anything, realized once I got into the kitchen that I was actually on the verge of the shakes, certainly I was going weak in the limbs, which made choosing a food I had to heat in the oven probably not the best of ideas but I managed it without burning myself. I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I'm slowly and steadily losing weight (about a pound a week, I think? But on the other hand I'm concerned that the initial weight loss was kicked off by serious mental instability? trauma? and that's a fucking terrible way to lose weight. I'd like to think it's because I have been making an effort to eat better, more veggie stir fry, curries, more rice-and-balanced-stuff-in-sauce, more sandwiches, more fruit, less pizza and chocolate pie, and I'd like to think it's because for a few days there I was being more regulated about exercise but definitely for the last few days, not so much. I can start up again. Will I? I don't know. I don't know how this recovery is going to go and while I'd like to lose a good 20-30 pounds and pull the muscle back on, I don't know how well that's going to go when my head is a sack of rubble and I can't stand still long enough even to put the pieces back together.
Maybe next week I just take the week off from intensive coding school and just do a couple bits at a time. I'm already ahead a week. That would put me exactly on the schedule I'm supposed to be on, and if I take the week to finish recovering I might be able to get back into chaaaarge mode the week after. I don't know. Argh.
Anxiety over November is not helping. Anxiety over everything else that's going on is not helping. Even if I were in a more stable frame of mind right now it wouldn't be helping and ... well. I don't know what to do at this point except take it very slowly and very carefully, try not to kick myself for not being able to be a revolutionary, and mend. As much as I can. I swear I'm doing better, even if the last couple paragraphs of this sound like I'm not. Better is... not the best. Not my usual self. But better, so far.
I've been coping by taking a couple days to not, essentially. Finally got Baldur's Gate loaded after a complete breakdown because it wouldn't (drivers needed to be installed apparently, and still need to finish being installed but right now it's running, albeit buggy) and it's working well enough to keep my brain from eating itself. I have zero focus beyond that, though. I promised myself Sunday I was going to do the office cleaning thing and it's 3.30 on a Sunday and I have not cleaned a damn thing except myself. Which is progress.
I even ate a food after I put it off to read the internet and scan tumblr and do silly things and subsequenly looked up, realized it had been twelve hours since I'd eaten anything, realized once I got into the kitchen that I was actually on the verge of the shakes, certainly I was going weak in the limbs, which made choosing a food I had to heat in the oven probably not the best of ideas but I managed it without burning myself. I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I'm slowly and steadily losing weight (about a pound a week, I think? But on the other hand I'm concerned that the initial weight loss was kicked off by serious mental instability? trauma? and that's a fucking terrible way to lose weight. I'd like to think it's because I have been making an effort to eat better, more veggie stir fry, curries, more rice-and-balanced-stuff-in-sauce, more sandwiches, more fruit, less pizza and chocolate pie, and I'd like to think it's because for a few days there I was being more regulated about exercise but definitely for the last few days, not so much. I can start up again. Will I? I don't know. I don't know how this recovery is going to go and while I'd like to lose a good 20-30 pounds and pull the muscle back on, I don't know how well that's going to go when my head is a sack of rubble and I can't stand still long enough even to put the pieces back together.
Maybe next week I just take the week off from intensive coding school and just do a couple bits at a time. I'm already ahead a week. That would put me exactly on the schedule I'm supposed to be on, and if I take the week to finish recovering I might be able to get back into chaaaarge mode the week after. I don't know. Argh.
Anxiety over November is not helping. Anxiety over everything else that's going on is not helping. Even if I were in a more stable frame of mind right now it wouldn't be helping and ... well. I don't know what to do at this point except take it very slowly and very carefully, try not to kick myself for not being able to be a revolutionary, and mend. As much as I can. I swear I'm doing better, even if the last couple paragraphs of this sound like I'm not. Better is... not the best. Not my usual self. But better, so far.