"... lipstick red seconals..."

Ugh. I'm too tired to do anything, and too awake to go to sleep. And it's 7 am, so no one's on, so I'm sitting here at my computer listening to copious amounts of musicals... like Les Mis, Cats... Notre Dame de Paris. I want Garou. I want to chain him up in my basement to sing to me whenever I want. And I know I'm exhausted, because otherwise I wouldn't be putting up something like that on my journal..

Sometimes I hate living in the US. I don't think any of my friends know who Garou is. Except, April might. She has weird tastes like I do.

Damn. Now I want a copy of that musical on DVD. French or English, it doesn't matter, I just want the damn musical. I saw it in London, and it was just gorgeous. ... Dammit! I want to go see something in theatre. Good theatre, not community college theatre. I love them to pieces and they're darling, but ... I got spoiled for theatre when I was growing up. I lived near the Kennedy Centre, the Folger theatre, huge professional jobbies with huge professional companies. I miss the theatre. The only thing that sucks about living here, so far from home.

Ugh. Right, one more song, and then I go take a nap. I'll try actually tackling my to-do list when I wake up again.

"Ah! A lovely tune! I'm inspired to dance!"

Eeew. My Milky Way midnight went all melty.

Okay, not as productive today, but let's see if I can get more productive as the afternoon progresses. I've got one hell of a to-do list... again. I've got a bottle of asprin and at least one candy bar's worth of chocolate and although I'll need to hit the grocery store and get some more pads and chocolate soon, I'm pretty much set for the next few days. Yay!

Well, actually, I have gotten some stuff done. I put up a couple more pictures on the character listings for Shattered Globe, and got about halfway through the second chapter. Haven't managed to actually get off my ass and write some of my column, though, which is kind of self-obnoxiating. ... actually, I think I know what it is. It's the television and drawn shades instead of sunlight and music. A-ha. This can be remedied.

Ah. I feel inspired already.

Shattered Globe seems to be expanding and contracting randomly. I really don't understand it. Plus, all the characters in it are starting to do extremely strange things. I'm not entirely sure what to do with them all, except perhaps to beat them into submission. At least Understanding is coming along pretty well, and Requiescat. Which reminds me, I should update something in the silly people's journal. And figure out if I want to write an original story... bugger.

Too much to do. Too little time to do it in. But I feel so productive lately! I don't know why. I guess it's rather a good thing, though.

Lessee.. I can't even remember what we were supposed to do today, except that the bf was going to go off to Cornerstone to pick up/fill out a job application. Other than that, I think it's sit at home and work on my to-do list today... maybe go over in the evening and visit the kitties! They're so cute, and growing so fast! Even if they are still gassy and wormy... stupid worms. And with two of them playing we have to be extra careful to be sure they don't reinfect each other with worm eggs.. oh well.

I have this urge to watch Priscilla, Queen of the Desert again. Never mind that April and I spent the better part of last week watching it, this bizarre Sci-Fi channel movie called Momentum, and copious amounts of City Confidential. I think it's the combination of Guy Pearce and Hugo Weaving. There's just something irresistable about those two... they're so cute! They're so absolutely hysterically adorable.

"It's important to distract them from their banality for a few minutes."

[whine]

Dammit. There is nothing more deflating than going to the fanlistings site and seeing a lot of other names there... that aren't yours.

I have no idea what the secret to fame is. Not even fortune. Just fame. Not even fame. Just infamy. Dammit, just a little goddamn recognition. I've submitted stories every which way. I've even been published. More than once. Which is a minor miracle for someone who just graduated college last year. Hell, my first story that I submitted got published, which has got to be some kind of a miracle. Or the fifth seal opening.

What is it? What's the secret? Is there some memo I missed? Some community I didn't sign up for? A forum I didn't join? Am I just not in any of the big fandoms, the Star Wars, the Harry Potter? And I not doing the slash pairings everyone loves? What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with my stories? Why ... I don't know. I just feel like I'm not doing something, like I'm standing on the outside of all the great parties in the snow with my nose pressed to the window looking at the feast and getting tossed the crumbs.

I hate this, and I hate feeling like this, and I know exactly what it is. It's that goddamn time of the month. It's the goddamn cramps, and it's .. oh hell. It's the fact that I've never been the best at anything. In my life. I've never been the popular one, the smart one, the pretty one. The best dancer, singer, actor, artist, sculptor, painter, chess player, musician... the only thing I ever had was writing. And I had it until I started showing it to people. And then of course I started comparing myself to others. And then of course I came up short.

I really need to stop doing that. But ... It sucks! I want to run out and beat everyone with my fics, go 'hey! I'm good! make a fansite for me! be my fan!' I want people to like my writing, dammit. I want ...

*sighs* I want some goddamn self-esteem.

I'm being selfish. I know I am. I have fans. Hell, I have fans who draw fanart and write fanfic. Damn good fanart and fanfic, too. I have friends and I have fans and I have .. I dunno. I just.. erggh. I need some chocolate, that's what I need. Some chocolate and a teddy bear and someone to hug me and tell me it's going to be all right. Or maybe just some self-esteem. Or maybe I'm just losing my mind.

Okay. That's enough of that for one night. Shut up and soldier, soldier!

[/whine]

In accordance with my mood, I'm watching Lord of Illusions. Has anyone seen that? Apart from April, that is, I know April's seen it. I absolutely adore that movie, and in some ways it still terrifies the hell out of me. The concept of people like Swann, like Nix.. it's just.. ugh. And yet Swann really is so cute... I want to pick him up and cuddle him and stroke his hair and tell him it's all going to be all right. Even though I know it isn't. Because he's in a Clive Barker movie, and he's going to die a horrible, hideous, whimpering death.

I think it's something about the idea of magic that he portrays in this movie that gets me. And it's not just this movie, he does it in a lot of them. The idea... of walking the path between "divinity and trickery." It's just... kind of true. The real miracle or the trick, if you let anyone see the strings. If you let them pay attention to the man behind the curtain. Either they believe or they don't. And sometimes in Clive Barker's films the heros believe in the divinity, and sometimes they scoff at the trickery. But it's always true. All of it.

Hmm. Out of spaghetti o's. Which is my dinner... I'm such a lazy bum. I don't want to cook, I don't want to clean up after cooking, so what do I do for dinner? I eat a can of spaghetti o's. Yeah, way to go, Jag, that's nutritious. Oh well. Being an adult means being able to eat Spaghetti O's for dinner if you want. Or sherbert. Or cookie dough, except I don't have any more of that. Damn.

Ok. Back to writing.

And time to try and find something to distract me from my own banality for a few minutes.

EDIT:

Well, I finished the most recent chapter of RiP, which is a minor feat unto itself. I never thought I'd get that damn chapter out. And now I'm cursing the day I ever thought up this stupid fic, which I'm so sick of and I'm only in the middle of it. Maybe I should just take tomorrow and write the next... five chapters or so. That ought to finish off all the really tiresome stuff I can't write.

And, you know... the secret to not being depressed is to be productive. At least right now it is. It's also chocolate and teddy bears and curling up in front of your favorite movie with your favorite bear and a good treat, which I'd do if it weren't for the fact that I don't want my ex to come home and see me having a tiny breakdown, so I'm going to have to do it after he goes to bed. Pillock.

But anyway, dammit, I'm going to be productive. I'm going to sit here and drink my juice and maybe take a vitamin or two, since being on the rag usually gives me an iron deficiency. I'm going to write out some notes for the history project, I'm going to start banging out another chapter in Understanding, and I'm going to come up with some more creative things for me to do. Some useful creative things, or at least some interesting creative things. Some creative things that people are going to want to read or look at, I hope, because at the moment without people actually being interested in my creativity... at least, my fan-creativity... which ... isnt' that a contradiction in terms? It feels like whistling in the dark.

But it's not. Dammit. It doesn't matter.

I am going to be productive. I'm going to take the goddamn notes. I'm going to write the goddamn fic. I'm going to come up with some more projects to do... maybe I can splice together some more pictures for Shattered Globe. I don't really have any ongoing fanfic projects except those three. Maybe I can come up with some. I'll figure out something to do.

.....

And just when I think I'm going to talk myself into a downward spiral, my lovely sailor man sends me an e-valentine card thing.

I love that man of mine. :)

(no subject)

Ok... three pages of crabbyhandwritten notes later, I feel a little better. Now I'm going to go see if my ex is actually out of the bathroom and try and have a shower.