(no subject)
Jun. 18th, 2015 08:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittydesadeSome days I don't know how I make it through the world without becoming a barely functioning alcoholic. I refer to Charleston, yes. It's not even a town I've been in that often, but it's the South, it's where I live, it's racial violence which is also where I live, and it's more senseless gun violence in a country that fetishizes guns even as we hold ourselves up as a model of advanced behavior and civilization. Al Swearingen said in Deadwood, and I keep coming back to that when I think of the current state of politics, "My god, act civilized even if you ain't." Well, we can't act civilized, and we definitely ain't. It's horrible. I don't know what to do with it except cry, and pray for the survivors and the families of those who didn't, and try not to let it knock me down too hard. React, and feel, and set the feeling aside to get your work done, and pull it out every so often so it doesn't overwhelm you. Like feelings do when they're left alone in their corner too long, the sneaky buggers.
I read more about it than I should. I know more about it than I want to, though anything is more than I want to because I want it not to have happened, but, well, one thing I have seen going around. I'm not exactly white. Inasmuch as the US weirdly considers Hispanic people white, sure, I guess? Inasmuch as there are times when I open my mouth and because of the quality of my education and the class in which I grew up, unless I've been out in the sun quite a bit people just assume I'm a very tanned white person. But there's a part of me that remembers being looked at as if to say what are you doing out here get back to the kitchens where you belong. There's a part of me that remembers being laughed at. But inasmuch as I am white, and maybe I am white enough for the Charleston terrorist, who the hell knows, let me say this: I am not your goddamn excuse. Fuck right off with your murder sprees. I am not a justification for your bigotry and violence. "Our" women. Excuse you, I am not now nor will I EVER be anyone's woman but my own. That's some sexist bullshit right there to go with the racism. You don't own me. You don't own any other living person. Fuck that.
So.
So, I'm working on my online lessons. Still some behind in HTML although not as much, behind in everything else, as per usual, but not as behind as I used to be. Not behind at all in writing, which is sort of amazing. Definitely behind in plotting and outlining although also not as bad as it used to be. We'll see how much I get done today, now that I've got a slow day at work when I haven't stayed up till stupid hours of the night last night. Those two events have not coincided as often as I want them to. Not much to be done about the work, but the staying up is my own dumbass fault.
Did at least manage to get writing done today. Did get some Diablo playing done in the evening instead of reading the news. Also managed to eat a healthy dinner and not make myself a giant fucking mug brownie like I wanted to do. I even managed to start re-coding some of my web page to be HTML5 compliant. It's not much, but I'll take it.
I read more about it than I should. I know more about it than I want to, though anything is more than I want to because I want it not to have happened, but, well, one thing I have seen going around. I'm not exactly white. Inasmuch as the US weirdly considers Hispanic people white, sure, I guess? Inasmuch as there are times when I open my mouth and because of the quality of my education and the class in which I grew up, unless I've been out in the sun quite a bit people just assume I'm a very tanned white person. But there's a part of me that remembers being looked at as if to say what are you doing out here get back to the kitchens where you belong. There's a part of me that remembers being laughed at. But inasmuch as I am white, and maybe I am white enough for the Charleston terrorist, who the hell knows, let me say this: I am not your goddamn excuse. Fuck right off with your murder sprees. I am not a justification for your bigotry and violence. "Our" women. Excuse you, I am not now nor will I EVER be anyone's woman but my own. That's some sexist bullshit right there to go with the racism. You don't own me. You don't own any other living person. Fuck that.
So.
So, I'm working on my online lessons. Still some behind in HTML although not as much, behind in everything else, as per usual, but not as behind as I used to be. Not behind at all in writing, which is sort of amazing. Definitely behind in plotting and outlining although also not as bad as it used to be. We'll see how much I get done today, now that I've got a slow day at work when I haven't stayed up till stupid hours of the night last night. Those two events have not coincided as often as I want them to. Not much to be done about the work, but the staying up is my own dumbass fault.
Did at least manage to get writing done today. Did get some Diablo playing done in the evening instead of reading the news. Also managed to eat a healthy dinner and not make myself a giant fucking mug brownie like I wanted to do. I even managed to start re-coding some of my web page to be HTML5 compliant. It's not much, but I'll take it.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-06-20 11:54 pm (UTC)Ugh, the things that are going on in the states right now are so very hard. (We have similar problems in Canada - and I get angry with people who make it an American problem instead of a Western-White-Racist-Bullshit problem). I can't imagine what being even closer to it feels like. :( *hugs*