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Mar. 4th, 2007 07:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittydesadeI don't know what it is. Maybe it's monthly hormones (it shouldn't be, I'm on the pill for pretty much only that reason) or maybe it's Mercury in retrograde or maybe it's the moon. Tidal shift. Something. Maybe it's just time for a breakdown. Talking about how someone isn't where they wanted to be made me realize I'm not where I want to be. And I can't afford to change it. I have 65$ in my bank account. I live from paycheck to paycheck, all of my paychecks never reaching the 500$ mark. Mostly? I'm actually okay with this. I don't have to pay a lot of the cost of living. But god, I'd love to have even a quarter of the salary that some of my friends have. Just a quarter. Hell, I'd love to be...
Never mind.
I'm not going to make Williamsburg. Or Vegas, or, really, anything but trips home for a while. It's expensive, and I can't afford it. Let's be realistic here, I can barely afford BPAL every month. And I need to get ahold of my spending habits. No more DVDs for me for a while. No more perusing Ebay. It's sad, I need to get ahold of my spending habits and I don't have any credit cards, I haven't gone overdraft in... well, in a while. I just. No, never mind that either.
I'm going to make some phone calls on Monday. Nothing long term, but a few things. Accepting some things I'll never have. Accepting that, really... no. I've never been one to look back and go I shouldn't have done that and the last few years have been a mistake. I'm trying to stick to the attitude that, well, that's done, I can't change it, so I'll move on from here. And I will. I'll start taking those steps. On Monday. Later this week. This Monday, and next Monday, I think. Give me enough time to rest up.
I spent two hours crying upstairs today, instead of doing the sewing I meant to do. If I come out of today with four shirts I'll be lucky. I'm still crying off and on, and at that I'm doing better than I was. That's the state of things right now. I don't know when it'll change, we'll see. Apart from two things that I don't really want to talk about right now, we'll call them Issue A and Issue B, there aren't too many... major things? Serious things? That I need to deal with right just yet. And putting a serious curb on my spending habits, limiting the pretty things I get will do somewhat to help some other things. It's a start.
I don't know what I'm saying by this. I just. No, I don't know what I'm saying. It's just out there. A statement of purpose. I'm hitting bottom? Heading towards the bottom. Somewhere. I'm crying again, apparently. I'm going somewhere? I have no idea where. Right now, if I'm crying again, that means I'm heading down again. Which means it's time to get sewing again, something productive I can do, something where I can hold the end result in my hand and know it's good. So, let's work towards that. A goal to be achieved in the next couple of hours. And then I'll look towards a couple of hours after that. And then, we'll see.
Never mind.
I'm not going to make Williamsburg. Or Vegas, or, really, anything but trips home for a while. It's expensive, and I can't afford it. Let's be realistic here, I can barely afford BPAL every month. And I need to get ahold of my spending habits. No more DVDs for me for a while. No more perusing Ebay. It's sad, I need to get ahold of my spending habits and I don't have any credit cards, I haven't gone overdraft in... well, in a while. I just. No, never mind that either.
I'm going to make some phone calls on Monday. Nothing long term, but a few things. Accepting some things I'll never have. Accepting that, really... no. I've never been one to look back and go I shouldn't have done that and the last few years have been a mistake. I'm trying to stick to the attitude that, well, that's done, I can't change it, so I'll move on from here. And I will. I'll start taking those steps. On Monday. Later this week. This Monday, and next Monday, I think. Give me enough time to rest up.
I spent two hours crying upstairs today, instead of doing the sewing I meant to do. If I come out of today with four shirts I'll be lucky. I'm still crying off and on, and at that I'm doing better than I was. That's the state of things right now. I don't know when it'll change, we'll see. Apart from two things that I don't really want to talk about right now, we'll call them Issue A and Issue B, there aren't too many... major things? Serious things? That I need to deal with right just yet. And putting a serious curb on my spending habits, limiting the pretty things I get will do somewhat to help some other things. It's a start.
I don't know what I'm saying by this. I just. No, I don't know what I'm saying. It's just out there. A statement of purpose. I'm hitting bottom? Heading towards the bottom. Somewhere. I'm crying again, apparently. I'm going somewhere? I have no idea where. Right now, if I'm crying again, that means I'm heading down again. Which means it's time to get sewing again, something productive I can do, something where I can hold the end result in my hand and know it's good. So, let's work towards that. A goal to be achieved in the next couple of hours. And then I'll look towards a couple of hours after that. And then, we'll see.