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Aug. 22nd, 2019 10:06 amMonday was absolutely horrible. I got through it by faking that it wasn't horrible, but it was horrible. I had and still sometimes have immense guilt, despite knowing that it was better than letting her suffer till the cancer killed her. My brain has not yet fully transitioned from "We have six cats their names are Mikey, Michelle, Maggie..." to "We have five cats their names are Mikey, Maggie, Murdock..." Last night I had the persistent feeling, despite knowing better and being fully awake and thinking, that if I just looked under the couch or found the right cushion or the space behind the door, that I would find her and I would scoop her up and she would be her proper 15lbs again and it was not helpful, brain.
I haven't really cried since Monday morning, when I was an absolute blubbering mess. I don't know if I need to or if my sadness will just continue to exist and work itself into a more manageable smaller state over time, without crying. I don't like this. Needless to say, no one likes it when this happens, but I'm saying it anyway: I don't like this.
And still. I'm mostly recovering. I'm doing some art again and remembering that goddamn, I am terrible at drawing humans. And I know I need to practice much, much more than I have in my life to get better at drawing humans, but goddamn. Mutant human beings, those look. Nevertheless, I will persist. Also that was a much shorter time between collecting All The Art Supplies and then dropping art and then picking it back up again, so maybe it'll stick around this time.
I'm writing. I need to force myself to make time to play guitar even though I haven't done all my words yet, because right now that's what's happening, I tell myself I'll practice guitar as a reward for finishing my words and no, self. That's not how this works. You practice guitar because you want to practice guitar and you want to play and get better. So I need to remember that, plus it might reset my brain mid-writing to make the words come easier. I don't know. Life is progressing. I'm so, so tired, but I think mainly that's the grief talking. And I need to go through and clean house, but I also need to go through and pack for DragonCon. Ugh. Too much to do, DragonCon too close. Ugh. I need to let go of some "do this before DragonCon" things and I don't know if I can. We'll see.
Oh, but I have been taking in the Watercolors by Shibasaki and not only is he a good teacher, he's very very soothing, which is good for me right now.
I haven't really cried since Monday morning, when I was an absolute blubbering mess. I don't know if I need to or if my sadness will just continue to exist and work itself into a more manageable smaller state over time, without crying. I don't like this. Needless to say, no one likes it when this happens, but I'm saying it anyway: I don't like this.
And still. I'm mostly recovering. I'm doing some art again and remembering that goddamn, I am terrible at drawing humans. And I know I need to practice much, much more than I have in my life to get better at drawing humans, but goddamn. Mutant human beings, those look. Nevertheless, I will persist. Also that was a much shorter time between collecting All The Art Supplies and then dropping art and then picking it back up again, so maybe it'll stick around this time.
I'm writing. I need to force myself to make time to play guitar even though I haven't done all my words yet, because right now that's what's happening, I tell myself I'll practice guitar as a reward for finishing my words and no, self. That's not how this works. You practice guitar because you want to practice guitar and you want to play and get better. So I need to remember that, plus it might reset my brain mid-writing to make the words come easier. I don't know. Life is progressing. I'm so, so tired, but I think mainly that's the grief talking. And I need to go through and clean house, but I also need to go through and pack for DragonCon. Ugh. Too much to do, DragonCon too close. Ugh. I need to let go of some "do this before DragonCon" things and I don't know if I can. We'll see.
Oh, but I have been taking in the Watercolors by Shibasaki and not only is he a good teacher, he's very very soothing, which is good for me right now.