(no subject)

[kittydesade]

Monday was absolutely horrible. I got through it by faking that it wasn't horrible, but it was horrible. I had and still sometimes have immense guilt, despite knowing that it was better than letting her suffer till the cancer killed her. My brain has not yet fully transitioned from "We have six cats their names are Mikey, Michelle, Maggie..." to "We have five cats their names are Mikey, Maggie, Murdock..." Last night I had the persistent feeling, despite knowing better and being fully awake and thinking, that if I just looked under the couch or found the right cushion or the space behind the door, that I would find her and I would scoop her up and she would be her proper 15lbs again and it was not helpful, brain.

I haven't really cried since Monday morning, when I was an absolute blubbering mess. I don't know if I need to or if my sadness will just continue to exist and work itself into a more manageable smaller state over time, without crying. I don't like this. Needless to say, no one likes it when this happens, but I'm saying it anyway: I don't like this.

And still. I'm mostly recovering. I'm doing some art again and remembering that goddamn, I am terrible at drawing humans. And I know I need to practice much, much more than I have in my life to get better at drawing humans, but goddamn. Mutant human beings, those look. Nevertheless, I will persist. Also that was a much shorter time between collecting All The Art Supplies and then dropping art and then picking it back up again, so maybe it'll stick around this time.

I'm writing. I need to force myself to make time to play guitar even though I haven't done all my words yet, because right now that's what's happening, I tell myself I'll practice guitar as a reward for finishing my words and no, self. That's not how this works. You practice guitar because you want to practice guitar and you want to play and get better. So I need to remember that, plus it might reset my brain mid-writing to make the words come easier. I don't know. Life is progressing. I'm so, so tired, but I think mainly that's the grief talking. And I need to go through and clean house, but I also need to go through and pack for DragonCon. Ugh. Too much to do, DragonCon too close. Ugh. I need to let go of some "do this before DragonCon" things and I don't know if I can. We'll see.

Oh, but I have been taking in the Watercolors by Shibasaki and not only is he a good teacher, he's very very soothing, which is good for me right now.

Comments

[untonuggan]

*sending good thoughts and hugs if wanted*

[kittydesade]

*hugs are always welcome*

[fayance]

Oh,I'm so sorry, my condolences. We have 3 cats now, we used to have 5 but lost 2 to kidney/bladder issues quite a few years ago. The 3 we have left are all seniors now, 13,14, and almost 17,and the oldest one has a terminal kidney condition and has gone from 11 lbs to 4.5 lbs in the last 2 years. She is my autistic daughter's special friend, we got her for Marissa when she (the cat) was only 6 weeks old and my daughter was in her last year of jr high. Now my daughter is in her 30's! It breaks my heart to see Kirara so gaunt, and she has chronic diarrhea even on her powdered meds; but lately I've been feeding her boiled chicken and that seems to help a bit with her digestion. And she is still fiercely devoted to my daughter and I truly believe she is living for my daughter's sake, that their bond is so strong she knows my daughter isn't ready to let her go yet. I've gently talked to my daughter about it, and we have lost several close family members in the past 6 years so she knows that death means you can't come back (she's 31 going on 6); but I think there WILL come that day when somehow Kirara will let Marissa know she needs to let her go now and Marissa will be able to do so. Till then Kirara still seems determined to stay with us and she doesn't seem to be in any pain really yet, so we are in a holding pattern. Our beloved Tigger had to be put to sleep when he got so ill, but part of me hopes Kirara will just go in her sleep and be peaceful in her crossing. She has been a wonderful, wonderful calico cat companion to my daughter and a wonderful pet in general all these years. I have 2 dogs as well, one was my beloved son's (my son died 4 years ago next month at age 31) and this dog has been my little shadow and my buddy and now HE is old and getting such bad arthritis and going blind and I am really going to go to pieces over him when he goes to join my son someday; that dog has comforted me so in my grief and is like a strong link still to my son, so I just pray he will be able to keep a good enough quality of life still for several more years. It's so hard to let our fur babies go.