kittydesade | Jul. 9th, 2013

( Gaeilge )

Yeah, I can't be having with this shit. I have work to do.

The extremely short version is I found out on Saturday that my grandfather was diagnosed with, or confirmed with bladder cancer. Out of all the cancers it's one of the more treatable/benign ones, but we don't know the extent of it. Apparently he's likely been living with it for years, which makes me want to smack people, but also increases the chances that it's spread, metastasized, whatever. On the other hand as far as I can tell that doesn't even necessarily mean much. So, yeah, I have no idea, will have no idea until Thursday apparently. So, that's happening.

I have no idea what to think. I'm allowing for needing more sleep, not that that helped much Sunday night on account of constantly waking up every hour or couple of hours to sneeze my head off. As a result I spent much of Monday in more or less a killing mood and wanting to punch people who I know were trying to be helpful. We'll see if I manage today without feeling a need to bite people. Except the boy, for various reasons. I will see Pacific Rim sometime soon, or there will not only be fucking murders, there will be hanging the bodies out in the town square.

So maybe not much less murderous. Hopefully less nauseous and with the light doing weird things and the pounding in the head. Of all the things I did not need yesterday, that was up there.

Also, Man with the Iron Fists is the weirdest fucking movie. It's not bad But it's very weird.

( Russian: still horrible, and not in the difficult way )

Keep moving. Do the Russian, do the languages, do the writing. Keep moving. Instead of shark week I've hit shark mode. Keep swimming, don't stop. On the plus side shark mode is not like red queen mode, it's not a constant run, it's just a constant keep moving, even if it's crawling on one's hands and knees.

Speaking of hands and knees, I really need to start in on the kink bingo.

Hopefully this upswing is more of an upswing now that I'm away from boy issues (he is getting taken out behind the coal shed and beaten for SO MANY REASONS RIGHT NOW) and have gotten some goddamn sleep. The lack of sleep is not the boy's fault. The crushing disappointment of yesterday is not entirely the boy's fault, though sleeping through what I thought was our intended dinner and a movie date is. Along with the ants. ... Okay, that's really the extent of his crimes for now, but I still ... he is on my last nerve right now, and I don't have many left. But as far as other things go, I may be stabilizing. I just seem to have hit the point where it takes very little to tip me over. Which means at least one extra hour of sleep, being more careful than usual about not overdosing on cheap sugar and eating balanced meals, and getting my exercise. The more physical components of depression I can alleviate the better.

Yes, I said the D word. For those of you in the cheap seats, SITUATIONAL DEPRESSION. Not the fucking other one. I am not ill with a chronic illness, though if that comes to play I will dolefully murder everyone. I have SITUATIONAL depression. Which is a goddamn head injury. Yes, this is a sore point right now, I have not bitten anyone for it yet, but let's get our terms straight. If for no other reason than chronic/severe/etc, long term forms of depression are treated VERY differently than situational depression. And if anyone tries to treat me for long term depression I will alleviate my situational depression by punching them repeatedly till they go away. Treatments or suggestions for situational depression, on the other hand, are much welcome. Money, gifts, chocolate. Booze. Cabana boys. That sort of thing.

.... Okay, so that button's still there. Good to know. The other possibility is that instead of getting better with sleep and minding my food is that I'm on an upswing and will soonish crash, which will suck. I'm keeping an eye out for that.

Um. Okay, no, I have way too much shit to do. By the numbers: Gods and Monsters by THIS EVENING, edit the fuck out of Blood in the Gutters, two Kink Bingos that I have vaguely planned, and one other thing. Clean house, make the boy finish pinning up my goddamn hem so I can fucking hem that costume and finish Huntress and be done with it, finish weeding/cutting down all the fucking pokeberries and ailanthus. Because they're pissing me off. That's not actually a depression related thing either, they've been pissing me off for a while, I'm just now writing about it 'cause I actually cut down the pokeberry that was in my way this morning. Too much shit to do. At least work is slacking up for a day or so. Oh god, and I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. Don't wanna. Might actually bite the hygienist.