(no subject)

So. Fucking. Tired.

I preface this with the caveat that everyone is all right, the car is all right, everything is fine. But. That said, last night? Driving for fifteen, twenty miles on the highway on BLACK ICE is NOT my idea of a good time! We must have seen fifteen, sixteen dead cars on a ten mile stretch at least. Three cop cars, five tow trucks, a couple of dead truck beds. WTF people.

And! In the category of WTF people, I got a rejection letter yesterday. With SOMEONE ELSE'S QUERY attached. Not a rejection letter written on someone else's query, I've gotten those before. But a rejection letter wrapped around someone else's query. I have to wonder if my form rejection is in someone else's SASE out there. Fucking hell. I'm going to call the agent tomorrow and ask if whoever answers the phone knows the status of my query, considering I am not Mr. Whoever This Is. (The amusing part is that they were writing something that had something to do with DC, or were from... whatever it was, the phrase 'Washington, DC' caught my eye. No, I didn't read the query, I just skimmed.)

It's just been one of those weekends. I did decide to pay the other college loan payment instead of waiting another week and having it be later, which leaves me with less than 100$ in the account, but that's only till next Friday. Actually less than that now because I had to buy some emergency toiletries, but. Still good till next Friday. Which is payday, and NONE of that is allocated towards bills. Hah.

Um. Today is a day of sewing. Making that light bright red anime coat because I have all the material for it now, and it's just been sitting as an unfinished project for, actually, nearly a year now. If not over a year. Time I finished it. And some peasent blouses for faire, because broadcloth was on sale for 1.49/yd yesterday and I still had some gift certificate money left over. Renne Faire costumes was what it was intended for. So, there we go! Still so tired though. Gamed last night. Gamed the night before. Worked yesterday. Was up till 3 am last night crawling home on the highway at 20-40 miles per hour on the fucking ice. Cabron. Where's my breakfast.

(no subject)

Today is already fired, and it's only 2 o'clock.

Well, right now, my life is fired. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid. I just gotta figure some things out right now.

I'll be back in a bit.

(no subject)

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's monthly hormones (it shouldn't be, I'm on the pill for pretty much only that reason) or maybe it's Mercury in retrograde or maybe it's the moon. Tidal shift. Something. Maybe it's just time for a breakdown. Talking about how someone isn't where they wanted to be made me realize I'm not where I want to be. And I can't afford to change it. I have 65$ in my bank account. I live from paycheck to paycheck, all of my paychecks never reaching the 500$ mark. Mostly? I'm actually okay with this. I don't have to pay a lot of the cost of living. But god, I'd love to have even a quarter of the salary that some of my friends have. Just a quarter. Hell, I'd love to be...

Never mind.

I'm not going to make Williamsburg. Or Vegas, or, really, anything but trips home for a while. It's expensive, and I can't afford it. Let's be realistic here, I can barely afford BPAL every month. And I need to get ahold of my spending habits. No more DVDs for me for a while. No more perusing Ebay. It's sad, I need to get ahold of my spending habits and I don't have any credit cards, I haven't gone overdraft in... well, in a while. I just. No, never mind that either.

I'm going to make some phone calls on Monday. Nothing long term, but a few things. Accepting some things I'll never have. Accepting that, really... no. I've never been one to look back and go I shouldn't have done that and the last few years have been a mistake. I'm trying to stick to the attitude that, well, that's done, I can't change it, so I'll move on from here. And I will. I'll start taking those steps. On Monday. Later this week. This Monday, and next Monday, I think. Give me enough time to rest up.

I spent two hours crying upstairs today, instead of doing the sewing I meant to do. If I come out of today with four shirts I'll be lucky. I'm still crying off and on, and at that I'm doing better than I was. That's the state of things right now. I don't know when it'll change, we'll see. Apart from two things that I don't really want to talk about right now, we'll call them Issue A and Issue B, there aren't too many... major things? Serious things? That I need to deal with right just yet. And putting a serious curb on my spending habits, limiting the pretty things I get will do somewhat to help some other things. It's a start.

I don't know what I'm saying by this. I just. No, I don't know what I'm saying. It's just out there. A statement of purpose. I'm hitting bottom? Heading towards the bottom. Somewhere. I'm crying again, apparently. I'm going somewhere? I have no idea where. Right now, if I'm crying again, that means I'm heading down again. Which means it's time to get sewing again, something productive I can do, something where I can hold the end result in my hand and know it's good. So, let's work towards that. A goal to be achieved in the next couple of hours. And then I'll look towards a couple of hours after that. And then, we'll see.