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Sep. 7th, 2020 10:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittydesadeOkay, so I know that I'm on track well towards finishing ahead of probably most of the self-study people who started when I did. I know that I'm comprehending 90% of the material. I know that I can do this if I sit down rested, fed, and not letting myself get anxious at the first test failure. And yet today I spent about two out of five daytime class hours working and reading things over and listening to an interminable video lecture and three out of five daytime class hours panicking in various forms because I couldn't do it right in twenty minutes. I don't know when my brain reset to "get this right quickly and move on or else" but I'd like to roll it back to a higher failure tolerance now.
I don't know. It could be the stress of last week: the car battery dying and the news that the boy might have to head down to Jacksonville and the two cats needing to go to the vet (for maintenance visits, they're both senior cats and one's diabetic, but it's still a worry) (they go day after tomorrow) and it all piling on in a very "you must get this done and get a good job and make money" way, or it could be reading an article about white collar jobs shrinking too, or... something? Anything? I don't know but it's not helpful. It is, in fact, severely bugging me.
I do have a plan to get through the next couple of labs anyway. Or rather, to get through this lab and then the next lab is partly one of the labs I skipped and never went back to, which, ugh. But I'm going to make careful and copious use of the Ask a Question feature, because I need to get used to asking for help. Having that feature there and not making use of it because of my own self-imposed ... whatevers, that's silly. That's what it's there for. No one is going to think less of me because I asked for help.
Speaking of asking for help, my finances are okay until November at this point. I've done the math. That leaves four months where I might need family help if I graduate on time, which at the moment there's nothing that says I won't, I suppose? (No, there isn't, self, even if you're struggling a bit with keeping up in this moment, you were speeding along before and you'll still probably go pretty fast through the HTML and CSS and beginning Javascript bits.) And my family is fine with helping me while I'm studying. It's okay. Breathe. School is hard enough, let alone in this environment, stop putting even harder standards on yourself.
She said, knowing full well that's difficult to make herself do. Ugh.
I did ... stuff. I did take the weekend off, despite absolutely stressing about labs, tech school, etc. I did some art! I've been doing languages more. I need to remember to LOG THINGS, self, do that after you finish this entry, especially your moods. But I've been putting things down today when they get too much, not always on time, but eventually. I've been making adjustments, not always on time but eventually. I did some art, I did some writing. I'm going to do some more writing in a second. I've continued to eat healthy, not on any particular diet I mean just not going for the pizza rolls and chocolate all the time. In non-tech school ways, I'm doing all right. It's just that the tech school is so much of my life right now and my way of dealing with the stress is evidently to put more pressure on myself and. I need to stop that. Seriously.
Asking for help tomorrow. It'll be fine. No one will think less of me for going "Okay, I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong in this lab, help?"
(Their use of "oh we use the Socratic method" is not helping because my dudes, Socrates was an ASSHOLE.)
I don't know. It could be the stress of last week: the car battery dying and the news that the boy might have to head down to Jacksonville and the two cats needing to go to the vet (for maintenance visits, they're both senior cats and one's diabetic, but it's still a worry) (they go day after tomorrow) and it all piling on in a very "you must get this done and get a good job and make money" way, or it could be reading an article about white collar jobs shrinking too, or... something? Anything? I don't know but it's not helpful. It is, in fact, severely bugging me.
I do have a plan to get through the next couple of labs anyway. Or rather, to get through this lab and then the next lab is partly one of the labs I skipped and never went back to, which, ugh. But I'm going to make careful and copious use of the Ask a Question feature, because I need to get used to asking for help. Having that feature there and not making use of it because of my own self-imposed ... whatevers, that's silly. That's what it's there for. No one is going to think less of me because I asked for help.
Speaking of asking for help, my finances are okay until November at this point. I've done the math. That leaves four months where I might need family help if I graduate on time, which at the moment there's nothing that says I won't, I suppose? (No, there isn't, self, even if you're struggling a bit with keeping up in this moment, you were speeding along before and you'll still probably go pretty fast through the HTML and CSS and beginning Javascript bits.) And my family is fine with helping me while I'm studying. It's okay. Breathe. School is hard enough, let alone in this environment, stop putting even harder standards on yourself.
She said, knowing full well that's difficult to make herself do. Ugh.
I did ... stuff. I did take the weekend off, despite absolutely stressing about labs, tech school, etc. I did some art! I've been doing languages more. I need to remember to LOG THINGS, self, do that after you finish this entry, especially your moods. But I've been putting things down today when they get too much, not always on time, but eventually. I've been making adjustments, not always on time but eventually. I did some art, I did some writing. I'm going to do some more writing in a second. I've continued to eat healthy, not on any particular diet I mean just not going for the pizza rolls and chocolate all the time. In non-tech school ways, I'm doing all right. It's just that the tech school is so much of my life right now and my way of dealing with the stress is evidently to put more pressure on myself and. I need to stop that. Seriously.
Asking for help tomorrow. It'll be fine. No one will think less of me for going "Okay, I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong in this lab, help?"
(Their use of "oh we use the Socratic method" is not helping because my dudes, Socrates was an ASSHOLE.)