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Aug. 26th, 2020 07:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittydesadeTrying to put my brain back together. Discovered that when I'm not in as familiar of an environment coding and programming and moving around in directories and file trees also makes me want to throw up, so that's fun.
But I did make progress today. After being awake from about 1.30? Ish? I went to bed on time, even, a little early, and I was awake from 1.30 to fucking 5 in the morning because whenever I tried to lay down and go to sleep my mind started screaming again. I have trashed my mindscape so many times I've lost track of how much it's been rebuilt. I'd seriously be talking to my doctor about a shrink if I didn't have a faint and growing fainter hope that I can fix this, given a couple more weeks.
Assuming the hurricane doesn't bring high winds to the mountains, whereupon I get to deal with multiple nights of sitting up late absolutely freaking out that a tree is going to fall on my house, which would be less acute if a tree hadn't almost fallen on my house this spring.
I want to believe that there's going to be an end to this. Not that one, an end where I become a web developer, remember that I used to be a writer at one point, can go through a minimum of one day without either crying or hyperventilating/tachycardia or both. I think at this point I'll just settle for that last thing. One single day, that's all I ask. It wasn't today.
(No, I'm not in any danger of doing That Thing, which may be the only miracle going on in my brain right now. Ideation has yet to occur.)
(Writing this not for anyone to comment necessarily, so don't feel pressured to, but eventually I'm going to wonder "hey, why X" and the answer is going to be "hey, remember this fucked up week?" Only I won't, so the journal will do it for me.)
But I did make progress today. After being awake from about 1.30? Ish? I went to bed on time, even, a little early, and I was awake from 1.30 to fucking 5 in the morning because whenever I tried to lay down and go to sleep my mind started screaming again. I have trashed my mindscape so many times I've lost track of how much it's been rebuilt. I'd seriously be talking to my doctor about a shrink if I didn't have a faint and growing fainter hope that I can fix this, given a couple more weeks.
Assuming the hurricane doesn't bring high winds to the mountains, whereupon I get to deal with multiple nights of sitting up late absolutely freaking out that a tree is going to fall on my house, which would be less acute if a tree hadn't almost fallen on my house this spring.
I want to believe that there's going to be an end to this. Not that one, an end where I become a web developer, remember that I used to be a writer at one point, can go through a minimum of one day without either crying or hyperventilating/tachycardia or both. I think at this point I'll just settle for that last thing. One single day, that's all I ask. It wasn't today.
(No, I'm not in any danger of doing That Thing, which may be the only miracle going on in my brain right now. Ideation has yet to occur.)
(Writing this not for anyone to comment necessarily, so don't feel pressured to, but eventually I'm going to wonder "hey, why X" and the answer is going to be "hey, remember this fucked up week?" Only I won't, so the journal will do it for me.)