(no subject)
Aug. 20th, 2020 10:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittydesadeI am goddamn exhausted. I am exhausted from having to defend, protect, or justify myself in places that were supposed to make me feel safe. I am exhausted from having to learn things to get a job to make money to survive, especially resentful of the fact that these are things I wouldn't mind learning for my own purposes otherwise. I am exhausted from current events. From not being able to go out to restaurants. To concerts. To hang with the gaming crew. I am exhausted from not living up (or down, in some suspected cases) to expectations of me. I sympathize with Jareth today: I too want to turn into an owl and fuck off into the night.
Instead I have coding school, a meeting with a career coach, a belated realization that I may end up going into the field I've been watching abuse women with increasing horror over the years, and a massive wish to... turn into a wild animal and fuck off into the night.
And instead I have coding school. And the career coach meeting. We'll see how all of this goes. So far it's not bad if I don't make myself skip what are probably very easy labs because I'm too tired and surly to do them. I still need to go back and do the three labs I skipped at some point, but since I'm pretty sure I know what was wrong with two of them and the third I just skipped because it was too complicated and I was too stressed and tired, they can wait till I'm... less stressed and tired? If that ever happens? I am multiple tumblr posts at this point.
Good things: I still get along well with WSL guy. I successfully installed WSL on my computer last night so I can do the labs from my own computer now which, to be fair, since they require the internet connection to be submitted, is only so useful. Still, it's a step. Plus that way I can work on them between having an internet connection, I guess? Since the testing criteria is also in the package that I download for each lab. So that's fine, that's going, and I'm actually working from a couple lessons before I have to do that according to the syllabus, which amuses me.
I have stories I want to tell. Or I did for about five minutes before the impulse was summarily squashed by stuff. People. I think that's the most insidious part about the last month or so, I was telling stories and I was feeling better because of it, and now on the one hand I'm not writing and that's definitely taking a toll on my mental health, but I'm also doing other things and keeping sort of busy so it's not as noticeable until I'm lying in bed trying not to scream and I take a mental inventory and come up with "yeah, these usual elements necessary for mental health are missing." And ugh. I need to write again. But I'm tired, and nothing is making me less tired right now. And I'm still in coding school and I just want to sleep.
And yet. I guess I'd better plug on through the day anyway.
ETA: Did not make it through the day without crying but for once, it wasn't stress over my future as a software developer! Today's labs are more tedious than stressful, I'm getting more used to handling the coding language, and all the stress is coming from interpersonal shit and being at this point into the negatives in terms of coping ability. The code, at least, does not require emotions, only that I not try the same thing over and over again which I'm developing the habit of not doing and the protocols for change this small thing, see what happens, change this small thing... etc. So... yeah, surprisingly, that's going fine and it's my social life that's bombed.
So it goes. Also I got a call from the aunt and apparently things are either exploding, breaking, or falling over in her day today too. Literally, a window at the store building shattered and a tree in her yard fell over. She called to ask for the name of our tree service.
I'm tired, y'all. I'm so, so tired.
Instead I have coding school, a meeting with a career coach, a belated realization that I may end up going into the field I've been watching abuse women with increasing horror over the years, and a massive wish to... turn into a wild animal and fuck off into the night.
And instead I have coding school. And the career coach meeting. We'll see how all of this goes. So far it's not bad if I don't make myself skip what are probably very easy labs because I'm too tired and surly to do them. I still need to go back and do the three labs I skipped at some point, but since I'm pretty sure I know what was wrong with two of them and the third I just skipped because it was too complicated and I was too stressed and tired, they can wait till I'm... less stressed and tired? If that ever happens? I am multiple tumblr posts at this point.
Good things: I still get along well with WSL guy. I successfully installed WSL on my computer last night so I can do the labs from my own computer now which, to be fair, since they require the internet connection to be submitted, is only so useful. Still, it's a step. Plus that way I can work on them between having an internet connection, I guess? Since the testing criteria is also in the package that I download for each lab. So that's fine, that's going, and I'm actually working from a couple lessons before I have to do that according to the syllabus, which amuses me.
I have stories I want to tell. Or I did for about five minutes before the impulse was summarily squashed by stuff. People. I think that's the most insidious part about the last month or so, I was telling stories and I was feeling better because of it, and now on the one hand I'm not writing and that's definitely taking a toll on my mental health, but I'm also doing other things and keeping sort of busy so it's not as noticeable until I'm lying in bed trying not to scream and I take a mental inventory and come up with "yeah, these usual elements necessary for mental health are missing." And ugh. I need to write again. But I'm tired, and nothing is making me less tired right now. And I'm still in coding school and I just want to sleep.
And yet. I guess I'd better plug on through the day anyway.
ETA: Did not make it through the day without crying but for once, it wasn't stress over my future as a software developer! Today's labs are more tedious than stressful, I'm getting more used to handling the coding language, and all the stress is coming from interpersonal shit and being at this point into the negatives in terms of coping ability. The code, at least, does not require emotions, only that I not try the same thing over and over again which I'm developing the habit of not doing and the protocols for change this small thing, see what happens, change this small thing... etc. So... yeah, surprisingly, that's going fine and it's my social life that's bombed.
So it goes. Also I got a call from the aunt and apparently things are either exploding, breaking, or falling over in her day today too. Literally, a window at the store building shattered and a tree in her yard fell over. She called to ask for the name of our tree service.
I'm tired, y'all. I'm so, so tired.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-08-20 05:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-08-20 05:15 pm (UTC)It's just. Been a week. A productive but goddamn exhausting week.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-08-20 06:10 pm (UTC)Can I join you? Because I would be so up for that shit right now.
I have done that career switch and back to school thing and it is fucking well exhausting, and current events make it worse. I'm so sorry that everything else is going on too, because not being able to write while doing all the rest of this is also adding to the exhaustion.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-08-20 09:43 pm (UTC)But yes. Let us turn into owls and fuck off silently into the night.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-08-20 11:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-08-20 11:30 pm (UTC)So much fucking off. So much.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-08-22 10:11 am (UTC)Such a mood. Jareth flounces in the best possible way.
Hugs and hopes things are going slightly better.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-08-22 12:37 pm (UTC)I slept through the night last night, which is better than the last several nights? It's a start. Hope you're doing well and staying healthy. <3