kittydesade | (no subject)

So.

This morning before I left first for the dentist appointment and then for work we got a call from the vet. Michelle-cat's bloodwork was back, and it looked clear, which now that I say it like that reminds me of the bit from Pitch Black. "How does it look?" "Looks clear." *monster attack!* "You said it was clear!" "I said it looked clear." "... well how about now?" "Looks clear."

It was the same kind of clear. This evening as I was heading to capoeira class the boy called to let me know that we had the lab results back from the lymph aspiration and yes, it was cancer, and probably metastatic. We're going to consult with the same oncologist who handled Mikey's mast cell tumor, he was practical and kind. I'm trying not to jump to any conclusions before they can take a further look at it, but it's hard. It's very hard. There's a part of me that's screaming about the unfairness of it all, I've had a year and a half to spend time with Mikey because I thought we were going to lose him first, and now it's not, it's Michelle-cat.

And there was a part of me that blames myself, still is I suppose. But I did remember that a month or two ago. I think two months ago I came home from class and she sat right down on me as I lay flopped on the couch thinking about lunch, and she felt as heavy as she always had then. So on the one hand, I think this is a fast moving cancer that we likely wouldn't have caught in time anyway. On the other hand, it's a fast moving cancer that we didn't catch in time and...

I don't know that. I don't know anything except that it is cancer. So that's all I have to work with right now. And if I tell myself that often enough it might keep me from melting down. I want to say I'm doing okay because I'm not sobbing on the floor, except I'm only doing okay until something inconveniences me (an uneven table surface rocking my plate, the AC kicking on and sending a blast of cold air over my shoulders) and then I want to scream and hit it till it goes away. So no, not that okay. Let's call it minimally functional.

Some good news today. Ish. The boy didn't have any deeper hip problems than he has already. I had a dental cleaning at Too Goddamn Early, but my teeth are fine. I had a good class at capoeira even though I wrenched my shoulder pretty badly. Groot and I commiserated over all the crap going on in our lives. I talked to my Mom and recommended Good Omens to her. I got some writing done, tweaked the style of my bullet journal a bit, and I figured some stuff out as far as music theory and the guitar go. Which necessitated the style tweaking because I decided that writing this down as a notes function would be good. Along with notes of whatever words I'm working on currently in the more difficult Duolingos like Chinese. ... that's really the only difficult one.

So. There are good things going on, or rather things that are not awful and horrible and expensive and heart-breaking. It's just that it's now all overshadowed by the heart-breaking one.