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Jan. 30th, 2018 09:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittydesadeAnd today we have a cat still with mast cells floating in his body, and possibly tumors, I'm unclear on the surgeon saying there are no more masses and the doctor who had the biopsy results saying there are tumors (I hope he misspoke and meant cells, or I misheard). We have cracked drainpipes under the sink still and therefore a pile of dirty dishes. We have a nearly $300 electric bill from running all the various space heaters and, I think actually, from me being an insomniac lunatic and having lights and tv and stuff on at hours when the lights and tv aren't usually on for around a week to ten days. But it all happened in the same month and therefore the electric bill is twice what it normally is in winter and argh. And then this morning I managed to drop all my rings on the floor and lose two of them and I was ready to have a crying screaming fit right before I left for work.
The boy, bless him and all his good works, helped fix two of them. He found my rings after I'd left and he'll help cover the electric (we split the bills some in my name and some in his, and usually we just straight up pay the ones in our own name but sometimes, well, yeah) so I can stop freaking out over that and instead just be mildly annoyed. I still don't know what we're going to do about the cracked drainpipe since neither of us has had the energy (or in my case the knowledge of where I'm even damn looking) to go out and crawl under the porch and look at the thing. And Mikey... well. That's more a matter of making the emotional journey from sobbing screaming denial to acceptance and taking care of him as long as we can I guess. I told the boy, I don't want to do chemo or radiation because in my experience they don't make anything better for long enough to make much of a difference, and in the meantime they'll make him miserable. I know humans can live without part of their liver but I don't know how that works in cats, and other than chemo I guess... prednisone? to keep the tumors shrunk, that I'd be willing to administer daily for a while, it's inexpensive so we can afford to and it's collaring him once a morning and droppering the stuff into his mouth, after which he makes faces for five minutes and then trots off to do his cat things. And beyond that... I literally have no idea what we can do. And I'm sad and tired and scared.
I also am getting plotbunnies at a frightening rate of knots. Apparently my coping mechanism right now is to dive into the fictional worlds of my imagining and not come out. Which isn't the worst thing in the world since it's a slow time at work right now, I can do that for another two-three weeks, maybe five to six before camp season starts. I just have to keep organized about what I'm doing. Which ahahahah that's the hard part when I'm upset and stressed like this, but I hope it'll work as a distraction if I take meticulous Habitica notes and work it that way. I do think I might be able to keep the short story I started yesterday to around 5k as intended, and I even figured out the ending for it! So that's good.
I got some edits done. I got a whole whack of writing done. Dinner wasn't the healthiest but I came home to Random Mascara on my front doorstep, so that was fun. The bills are sorted and there's no immediate cash flow problem, I'm not going to abruptly get anything shut off or get foreclosed on. Mikey is still being Mikey all over the house, which mostly involves bashing himself against our legs or whatever part of us he can reach with his head when he thinks he should be fed. And I only cried twice today thinking about what will eventually happen. So it was a good day, right?
I just need a while with no new stressors. I'll come to accept this, the Mikey part that won't pass and can't be changed. I just need a while with nothing new piling on me. Please Goddess let that happen sometime soon.
The boy, bless him and all his good works, helped fix two of them. He found my rings after I'd left and he'll help cover the electric (we split the bills some in my name and some in his, and usually we just straight up pay the ones in our own name but sometimes, well, yeah) so I can stop freaking out over that and instead just be mildly annoyed. I still don't know what we're going to do about the cracked drainpipe since neither of us has had the energy (or in my case the knowledge of where I'm even damn looking) to go out and crawl under the porch and look at the thing. And Mikey... well. That's more a matter of making the emotional journey from sobbing screaming denial to acceptance and taking care of him as long as we can I guess. I told the boy, I don't want to do chemo or radiation because in my experience they don't make anything better for long enough to make much of a difference, and in the meantime they'll make him miserable. I know humans can live without part of their liver but I don't know how that works in cats, and other than chemo I guess... prednisone? to keep the tumors shrunk, that I'd be willing to administer daily for a while, it's inexpensive so we can afford to and it's collaring him once a morning and droppering the stuff into his mouth, after which he makes faces for five minutes and then trots off to do his cat things. And beyond that... I literally have no idea what we can do. And I'm sad and tired and scared.
I also am getting plotbunnies at a frightening rate of knots. Apparently my coping mechanism right now is to dive into the fictional worlds of my imagining and not come out. Which isn't the worst thing in the world since it's a slow time at work right now, I can do that for another two-three weeks, maybe five to six before camp season starts. I just have to keep organized about what I'm doing. Which ahahahah that's the hard part when I'm upset and stressed like this, but I hope it'll work as a distraction if I take meticulous Habitica notes and work it that way. I do think I might be able to keep the short story I started yesterday to around 5k as intended, and I even figured out the ending for it! So that's good.
I got some edits done. I got a whole whack of writing done. Dinner wasn't the healthiest but I came home to Random Mascara on my front doorstep, so that was fun. The bills are sorted and there's no immediate cash flow problem, I'm not going to abruptly get anything shut off or get foreclosed on. Mikey is still being Mikey all over the house, which mostly involves bashing himself against our legs or whatever part of us he can reach with his head when he thinks he should be fed. And I only cried twice today thinking about what will eventually happen. So it was a good day, right?
I just need a while with no new stressors. I'll come to accept this, the Mikey part that won't pass and can't be changed. I just need a while with nothing new piling on me. Please Goddess let that happen sometime soon.