(no subject)
Nov. 16th, 2016 10:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittydesadeHaving a hard time believing me and mine aren't going to all die in the next four years. I kind of know what was the one that set it off, but also I'm just tired. I didn't sleep well last night. That's the case 2/3 of most nights.
I did have fun establishing and explaining the claymore mine theory of resistance to a friend today. You know how claymore mines say 'Front Towards Enemy'? (Maybe you don't, but google images will show you.) That's how I feel about all the simmering rage and shrieking going on; we can use it to shred each other, or we can accept that our allies are never going to be perfect, take a second to gently suggest that this is hurtful or that doesn't help or the other thing might be improved if they do this one small thing, and then drop it in favor of turning our spears on the side that literally wants to round us up and put us into internment or death camps. Seriously. This is what huge chunks of us are up against, so maybe instead of fucking around playing at juggling claymore mines we can face Front Towards Enemy and get something done. Anything. Please.
Trying to take back my life from this. I'm not going to capoeira tonight, I didn't sleep well enough that I think I can be that coordinated, but Saturday, at least, I can go to given that I can crash all day afterwards. Even if all I do is make Saturday classes for the next few weeks, I can do that. Baby steps.
I got almost all the writing done yesterday. I got all the Nano minimum, but I've been so out of it at the start of this month that I need to do more than that now to stay afloat. I did almost all my languages yesterday because I couldn't find my notes on the Hebrew alphabet oops. The funny part is I'm actually feeling better after thirty minutes (which does not give me confidence in my ability to stay out of the WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE pit) but I didn't bring my capoeira stuff now. Fuckit. But I will practice some tonight, which I haven't been doing because exhausted and root canal appointment. I will practice, because these are skills I want and need and they are who I want to be, dammit.
Still, obviously, swinging between paralyzing fear and sorrow/grief and anger and exhaustion. Sometimes a couple of those at once. Still here, still managing some degree of routines. Today that might be as much defiance as I'm capable of.
I did have fun establishing and explaining the claymore mine theory of resistance to a friend today. You know how claymore mines say 'Front Towards Enemy'? (Maybe you don't, but google images will show you.) That's how I feel about all the simmering rage and shrieking going on; we can use it to shred each other, or we can accept that our allies are never going to be perfect, take a second to gently suggest that this is hurtful or that doesn't help or the other thing might be improved if they do this one small thing, and then drop it in favor of turning our spears on the side that literally wants to round us up and put us into internment or death camps. Seriously. This is what huge chunks of us are up against, so maybe instead of fucking around playing at juggling claymore mines we can face Front Towards Enemy and get something done. Anything. Please.
Trying to take back my life from this. I'm not going to capoeira tonight, I didn't sleep well enough that I think I can be that coordinated, but Saturday, at least, I can go to given that I can crash all day afterwards. Even if all I do is make Saturday classes for the next few weeks, I can do that. Baby steps.
I got almost all the writing done yesterday. I got all the Nano minimum, but I've been so out of it at the start of this month that I need to do more than that now to stay afloat. I did almost all my languages yesterday because I couldn't find my notes on the Hebrew alphabet oops. The funny part is I'm actually feeling better after thirty minutes (which does not give me confidence in my ability to stay out of the WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE pit) but I didn't bring my capoeira stuff now. Fuckit. But I will practice some tonight, which I haven't been doing because exhausted and root canal appointment. I will practice, because these are skills I want and need and they are who I want to be, dammit.
Still, obviously, swinging between paralyzing fear and sorrow/grief and anger and exhaustion. Sometimes a couple of those at once. Still here, still managing some degree of routines. Today that might be as much defiance as I'm capable of.
(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-17 12:33 am (UTC)I'm slowly picking up with my own writing again and managed to post chapter four of a fic I'm working on. I'm trying to plug along on my NaNo, but not sure I'm going to make the 50k as it's already the halfway point of the month and I'm only at about 19k. I'm not as upset about it as I expected to be, though. I just gotta focus and write daily and I'll be happy.
I'm trying to hold onto the things that are me, but yeah, it's hard.
Sometimes small defiances are a really good weapon.