(no subject)
Sep. 16th, 2015 07:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittydesadeNo, still exhausted. At this point I think it's nearing on a week where I go to bed somewhat early, attempt to get at least a decent night's sleep if not a slightly fuller night's sleep than usual, sometimes there's even a two hour nap involved, and I still wake up feeling beat to hell and with my eyes all hot and puffy. And that's just the physical, we're not getting into what the insides of my head feel like right now. (No, really. Not getting into it.)
And the truly annoying thing is, between not really getting a weekend of resting/lounging around the house in two weekends, one of those weekends involving Dragon Con, between the boy maybe maybe not having a sinus cold and therefore possibly giving me the sniffles, between one thing and another I have no fucking clue at this point which is purely physical, which is psychological damage, which is one weakening the other, or what the fuck is going on in here. I'm mostly eating. I had to make cheese fries last night instead of the healthy dinner I did make just so I would have some fucking calories in me, but I ate. About half, three quarters of the bowl, which isn't as dire as it sounds because the bowl was half a bag of fries, so a decent amount of serving. I just at this point would like to stop feeling like fragile, hammered shit and start feeling like I have anything at all vaguely together. Ever. This is not an accustomed feeling without a clear cause (grandfather dying, boy maybe losing his job to name two in the past) and I resent the everliving fuck out of it.
Ugh. Oh, and let's not forget there's a "neighborhood meeting" tomorrow hosted by the suddenly local B&B. They call themselves an Inn and they renovated their house, the only other historic house even close to my house's age, so that it's on the registry and it looks like something that might have been on the Sleepy Hollow set if about a hundred years later than Sleepy Hollow, and it's all fancy and fine, but they refer to "safety concerns" and "forming an association." If you try to form a homeowner's association on my block I will fucking cut you. Nothing I have ever heard about HOAs inspires me with confidence or suggests that this is a necessary things. Also, safety concerns my ass. Unless you know something about the neighborhood I don't, I walk up and down this block after dark to buy candy or go to the cidery or whatever and never once have I feared for my safety. Well, beyond being a woman alone after dark, but that's not a neighborhood thing, that's a this is a shitty world especially to women thing. If this is a prelude to gentrifications I am going to cut someone. I speak fluent rich idiot, and I have no spoons to coddle or play politics for someone's ego.
Ugh. I can't believe I have to waste time on this bullshit and take off paying hours of work when my paycheck this period is already going to be fucking thin. They put a notice in our box yesterday, and the meeting is Thursday, which means they gave two days' fucking notice. For that alone I'm inclined to tear into them, because hello, not everyone works a 9-5, the boy's going to have to get up early for this, my job doesn't end till 6 and it's the closest thing we've got in this household to a 9-5, I have no idea when anyone else on the block works but I know at least a couple people have kids and nowhere on their dinky little flyer did it say childcare provided, meaning they have to find a babysitter if only one of them will be home at that time on two days' notice. Never mind the people who might require more time to gear up to deal with a potentially stressful, social thing. Yes, I'm already feeling combative about this. I feel it's entirely warranted.
At this point I'm going to capoeira tonight out of 75% stubborn and 25% keeping in shape is good for me, doing capoeira and training my body to do shit is good for me, I can be quiet and avoid the social aspect I think, but doing the exercise and working up a sweat will be good for me. And then I can come home and hopefully sleep for 12 hours afterwards. If I get my work done up to that point. That's not helping either, I am so many days fucking behind in my writings work and it's bugging the hell out of me. And I try to make my exhausted brain do shit, and the guilt is at least mitigated (it wasn't always) by knowing how exhausted and tired and stressed I am, and I still keep trying. And it doesn't fucking help. And at this point I don't even know what the solution is. Keep going till I fall down. Sleep more. I can sleep all weekend if I have to. I might do that, turn off everything and sleep. That sounds real good right about now.
Anyway. The other good thing about capoeira days is I basically have all morning to do whatever, so, Japanese, and then an hour or so of writing and edits and more edits and more writing. That ought to get me somewhere, at least.
And the truly annoying thing is, between not really getting a weekend of resting/lounging around the house in two weekends, one of those weekends involving Dragon Con, between the boy maybe maybe not having a sinus cold and therefore possibly giving me the sniffles, between one thing and another I have no fucking clue at this point which is purely physical, which is psychological damage, which is one weakening the other, or what the fuck is going on in here. I'm mostly eating. I had to make cheese fries last night instead of the healthy dinner I did make just so I would have some fucking calories in me, but I ate. About half, three quarters of the bowl, which isn't as dire as it sounds because the bowl was half a bag of fries, so a decent amount of serving. I just at this point would like to stop feeling like fragile, hammered shit and start feeling like I have anything at all vaguely together. Ever. This is not an accustomed feeling without a clear cause (grandfather dying, boy maybe losing his job to name two in the past) and I resent the everliving fuck out of it.
Ugh. Oh, and let's not forget there's a "neighborhood meeting" tomorrow hosted by the suddenly local B&B. They call themselves an Inn and they renovated their house, the only other historic house even close to my house's age, so that it's on the registry and it looks like something that might have been on the Sleepy Hollow set if about a hundred years later than Sleepy Hollow, and it's all fancy and fine, but they refer to "safety concerns" and "forming an association." If you try to form a homeowner's association on my block I will fucking cut you. Nothing I have ever heard about HOAs inspires me with confidence or suggests that this is a necessary things. Also, safety concerns my ass. Unless you know something about the neighborhood I don't, I walk up and down this block after dark to buy candy or go to the cidery or whatever and never once have I feared for my safety. Well, beyond being a woman alone after dark, but that's not a neighborhood thing, that's a this is a shitty world especially to women thing. If this is a prelude to gentrifications I am going to cut someone. I speak fluent rich idiot, and I have no spoons to coddle or play politics for someone's ego.
Ugh. I can't believe I have to waste time on this bullshit and take off paying hours of work when my paycheck this period is already going to be fucking thin. They put a notice in our box yesterday, and the meeting is Thursday, which means they gave two days' fucking notice. For that alone I'm inclined to tear into them, because hello, not everyone works a 9-5, the boy's going to have to get up early for this, my job doesn't end till 6 and it's the closest thing we've got in this household to a 9-5, I have no idea when anyone else on the block works but I know at least a couple people have kids and nowhere on their dinky little flyer did it say childcare provided, meaning they have to find a babysitter if only one of them will be home at that time on two days' notice. Never mind the people who might require more time to gear up to deal with a potentially stressful, social thing. Yes, I'm already feeling combative about this. I feel it's entirely warranted.
At this point I'm going to capoeira tonight out of 75% stubborn and 25% keeping in shape is good for me, doing capoeira and training my body to do shit is good for me, I can be quiet and avoid the social aspect I think, but doing the exercise and working up a sweat will be good for me. And then I can come home and hopefully sleep for 12 hours afterwards. If I get my work done up to that point. That's not helping either, I am so many days fucking behind in my writings work and it's bugging the hell out of me. And I try to make my exhausted brain do shit, and the guilt is at least mitigated (it wasn't always) by knowing how exhausted and tired and stressed I am, and I still keep trying. And it doesn't fucking help. And at this point I don't even know what the solution is. Keep going till I fall down. Sleep more. I can sleep all weekend if I have to. I might do that, turn off everything and sleep. That sounds real good right about now.
Anyway. The other good thing about capoeira days is I basically have all morning to do whatever, so, Japanese, and then an hour or so of writing and edits and more edits and more writing. That ought to get me somewhere, at least.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-16 12:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-16 12:53 pm (UTC)This is the worst club ever and we don't even get dinner jackets, just these lousy t-shirts.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-17 01:51 am (UTC)