(no subject)

Ironically, this past week ate up most of my ahead-of-schedule lead time on my Coding School, whereas the week I actually started having the breakdown I was keeping mostly up to schedule with it. I think it's because as the breakdown faded I was just flat-out too goddamn exhausted to think, let alone learn things, let alone learn things more complicated than sit and listen to lectures and absorb the information. I've figured out where next week is supposed to begin and end according to the schedule, so hopefully I can rest up this weekend and get back to it fresh and ready next week.

Instead of resting tonight and reading yet another book (I've read three in the last three days, I'm on a roll) I went window shopping on the DragonCon Goes Virtual site, which was fun for about half an hour and then it was just sad and lonely. And listening to BabyMetal and contemplating how best to integrate a Visual Kei element into my wardrobe (easily enough, really, half of it's goth anyway) when the pandemic isolation depression is starting to eat my face. It's an ongoing struggle in the morning, get up in time enough to put on clothes and makeup that make me feel good and hope that it works well enough to keep me going through the day, or... well.

I'm also collecting JRock recommendations, at the moment, from the Visual Kei tag on tumblr. Because why not.

Blergh. I'm tired, my eyes feel burn-y, I'm having the late night urge to clean the office which amounts to my room these days, only I don't have the energy to do it at late night and also the last week. Which has been an ongoing struggle to feel like I could be or want to be a software developer, and even writing, which has come back somewhat, it's hard to remember why I wanted to do it. Drawing and guitar playing are right out. And I know what this is, and I'm not sure if antidepressants will help materially, enough to outweigh the cost of getting them both labor and money, the cost of staying on them when I have no idea what my insurance situation will be like next year and I live in a capitalist shithole, and... yeah. Probably not. But it's still a tough hole to push my way out of.

So it goes. I have a weekend before I have to get back to school, and I have been remembering the whole writing is a joy thing. That may help. I have a whole passel of makeup and gear to play with doing the visual kei aesthetic, the goth aesthetic, whatever aesthetic I've decided I want to play up. I have art supplies, guitar music and guitars and an amp, I have a brand new computer and a ton of resources. I don't need to spend money to do any of these past times, which is very nice when money is uncertain for a while. (News stories about how even white collar jobs are feeling a crunch are not helping, ugh.) I just have to remember that these are all things that make me feel better to do. And, heh, clean up my office so I'm not knocking things over every time I try to do them. Clean up my desk.

That's tomorrow's task. The monitor stands that I ordered should be coming tomorrow, so I can shove my keyboards under them and have room to art, that'll help. I can install the fans instead of having them sit on my desk, that'll help make room too. After that it's just a matter of putting things in drawers (anti-static mat) or finding places to stash them when I'm not using them (headphones with mic for Zoom meetings) and making sure everything is off my desktop so I can put that probably under my desk and off my desktop. And that'll give me more freedom to move, less clutter, and hopefully I'll... something. Healthier environment? Healthy mind. I'm tired and grasping at straws and part of that is just that it's late at night and I really should go to bed. I will soon.

I'll be all right, I think. I have the resources to be all right, which is more than I can say for a lot of people. I'm just tired.