![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Jan. 29th, 2018 10:45 pmWell, I went to bed on time (roughly) last night. Got up, did my thing, and now I'm sleepy again despite getting a reasonable amount of sleep last night, or so I'd thought. And then I slept and had strange dreams about going all Alexander on some magical Bucephalos and now I'm writing a story about it. As I do.
This would have been a happier post hours ago when I started it, plumbing issuwees aside. The raccoons decided to have a battle royale under the house and cracked a drainage pipe, so now we get to have fun seeing how to fix that. But even that I could have dealt with.
But we got the biopsies back, and there's mast cells in his liver and lymph node, and I'm trying hard to convince myself that it doesn't mean instant death, we're not necessarily about to lose him, we just have an idea of where on the timeline... something. I don't even know what I'm trying to convince myself of now. I'm scared and sad and angry that the surgery didn't work and I don't know what I'm going to do. He's one of our cuddliest and oldest cats, we've had him literally since the boy moved down here with me, and I don't know what I'm going to do when he goes. And part of me is trying to be all "silly you, you knew you were going to lose him eventually, cats only live so long and he is ten years old" and the rest of me is screaming 'shut up' at that part.
So. I'm rather a wreck at the moment. Again. Still? I had maybe half a week to a week of yay he's going to be okay everything's okay now and then this. Less than if you count the oh god we have to pay for a plumber now probably issues. I'm so tired. And sad. I don't have the energy to respond to everyone's nice comments, but it is appreciated. But I'm having all of these upset feelings.
Plus side, I did teach capoeira over the weekend with another senior student, to a couple of kids who stopped by (they were probably older teenagers but they're kids, dammit, I feel so old) and that seemed to go well. I don't expect they'll be back next week but that's because I'm jaded with lots of people coming in for a lesson or two or even one guy lasted about six months I think? And then they either stop coming or move away and it's all bleh.
I'm very bleh today. I'm going to drug myself to sleep with the anti-depressant instead of the melatonin because I don't think the melatonin's going to cut it and I don't want to worry myself awake all night.
This would have been a happier post hours ago when I started it, plumbing issuwees aside. The raccoons decided to have a battle royale under the house and cracked a drainage pipe, so now we get to have fun seeing how to fix that. But even that I could have dealt with.
But we got the biopsies back, and there's mast cells in his liver and lymph node, and I'm trying hard to convince myself that it doesn't mean instant death, we're not necessarily about to lose him, we just have an idea of where on the timeline... something. I don't even know what I'm trying to convince myself of now. I'm scared and sad and angry that the surgery didn't work and I don't know what I'm going to do. He's one of our cuddliest and oldest cats, we've had him literally since the boy moved down here with me, and I don't know what I'm going to do when he goes. And part of me is trying to be all "silly you, you knew you were going to lose him eventually, cats only live so long and he is ten years old" and the rest of me is screaming 'shut up' at that part.
So. I'm rather a wreck at the moment. Again. Still? I had maybe half a week to a week of yay he's going to be okay everything's okay now and then this. Less than if you count the oh god we have to pay for a plumber now probably issues. I'm so tired. And sad. I don't have the energy to respond to everyone's nice comments, but it is appreciated. But I'm having all of these upset feelings.
Plus side, I did teach capoeira over the weekend with another senior student, to a couple of kids who stopped by (they were probably older teenagers but they're kids, dammit, I feel so old) and that seemed to go well. I don't expect they'll be back next week but that's because I'm jaded with lots of people coming in for a lesson or two or even one guy lasted about six months I think? And then they either stop coming or move away and it's all bleh.
I'm very bleh today. I'm going to drug myself to sleep with the anti-depressant instead of the melatonin because I don't think the melatonin's going to cut it and I don't want to worry myself awake all night.