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kittydesade) wrote2007-12-09 08:45 pm
kittydesade) wrote2007-12-09 08:45 pm
Entry tags:
[nano] Stained Glass Masquerade
Thoughts like that, Teyla supposed, were why coming back to Atlantis didn't feel so much like home. Sheppard was still uncharacteristically quiet, his hands tense and tight on the controls as he flew them back. At least this time she knew why, and he knew what was happening, and there was no deceit between them. Only sharp and uncomfortable silences. Well, she supposed, that was better than the alternative. Maybe.
"John…"
"I don't want to talk about it."
Of course he didn't. She looked back out at the view ahead of them, exasperated. Spending time with Michael was looking to be more and more like a holiday and less like a … whatever it had been when she'd started. A very bad idea.
"Are you…"
"Teyla, I am not fine with what you're doing. I'm definitely not fine with what you're doing, but if you've been sneaking out to see him for the past… god knows how long…"
That stung. She wondered if he had meant it to.
"And he hasn't done anything so far, given what he said the last time I ran into him, I'm willing to take your word that he's not a security risk."
Which meant he wouldn't tell Carter, or Ronon, or anyone else he didn't absolutely need to. Teyla slumped a tiny bit in relief.
"Thank you, John."
He shook his head, muttering. "Don't thank me."
Teyla thought he looked tired. Looked defeated, somehow, and she didn't want to think too much about the reasons why. That would imply all sorts of things that she had spent many months not letting herself think about, and. She wasn't going to start now. Not when she'd effectively made that particular choice.
Two months ago, if someone had told her she would choose a Wraith (as Michael would have been to her then, genetic modifications nonwithstanding) over John Sheppard, no matter what sense, she would have stared at them as though they'd gone mad.
She was half expecting the people on Atlantis to be staring at her as though she'd gone mad, and it wasn't until they started greeting her and asking how a non-existent mission went that she remembered Sheppard was covering for her. He answered in terse, clipped words and she in vague generalities until she had excused herself to go clean up and Sheppard had headed up to Carter's office.
It still felt strange to think of it as Carter's office. Teyla thought it would feel strange for some time. Elizabeth would have, she thought, at least tried to understand what was happening with Michael. She would have tried to work out some sort of solution. And Teyla had no idea what Colonel Carter would do, and that bothered her.
"Michael?"
Sheppard nodded, a tight and jerky motion. He didn't like it any better than she seemed to be taking it, but it was a fact he was going to have to deal with.
He didn't want to have to deal with it.
"Are you sure?" Carter seemed to be having trouble grasping the idea. Which, to be fair, Sheppard had had similar trouble when he had seen them around each other, seen Teyla acting the way she was.
He wasn't sure what way that was. Except that it was the kind of thing he didn't like, too close, too intimate. There were elements of don't you touch my sister to it, but there was also jealousy. It was the jealousy that bothered him most, he thought. The idea that Teyla was behaving around Michael in such a way as to make him jealous, implied that she was treating him like…
"I'm sure." Sheppard shook his head. "I'm sure it's Michael, anyway. I'm not sure what she's doing with him."
Carter didn't need to ask what he meant to see what was going on. She nodded, a look on her face that put Sheppard in mind of someone from logistics attempting to disarm a naquadah-enhanced bomb. "But she is going to see him."
Sheppard nodded. There wasn't much point in lying about it, not when he'd brought it to her. "I flew her there, the last time. And…" he shook his head. "The first time, after the crash. I think she was going to see him. At least partly, I don't know what's going on between them. But, she says he isn't a security risk."
"And you believe her."
He took a breath, let it hiss out in a sigh that slid from between clenched teeth. "I trust her judgment. He's had plenty of time to do something to compromise us, bring a Wraith cruiser down on our heads, kidnap our people and start experimenting on them again, whatever. And there's been nothing. I trust her judgment…"
Carter's eyes narrowed slightly, head tilting back. "Even when you think it's been compromised by her feelings for him."
Ouch. John winced at having it so blatantly there, out in the open. "Yes."
"All right." Although it took Carter a little while to say it. "For the moment, we'll let this go. It hasn't impacted her ability to work with your team…"
John winced again. "No, but if Ronon finds out…"
"We'll deal with that if and when it happens. For now, keep an eye on her, and if she feels a need to go to that part of the mainland, I want you to accompany her at least as far as the rendezvous point."
Something in the way she said it told Sheppard that she wasn't exactly unaware of the underlying emotions there. He wasn't sure if he was grateful or even more cautious as a result.
"Yes, sir."
Teyla was out on the balcony looking out over the water when he found her. Not at the continent, simply out at the horizon and wondering how her life had turned in the last visit. She had been back only a short span of hours on Atlantis and already she missed Michael. The quiet steadiness, the connection. Aspects to what they had and what they had done that she couldn't even name.
Yes, the romantic aspect too. She smiled a little when she thought of it, lowering her head a bit, and of course that was when John walked up and saw her. He winced, and looked as though he thought he should come back later.
"What did she say?" Of course, Teyla could guess who he had been to see.
He sighed. "She'll …" Keep your secret, Teyla heard, and wondered for a moment if that was her own imagination filling in the blanks or if Michael's lessons had had unintended side effects. But she was damn well not going to ask. "Hold off on putting it on any official reports for now. And we'll let you tell the others."
This time it was Teyla's turn to wince. They both knew what would happen if Ronon found out on his own, and they both knew how he would react if she told him. Ronon had never liked Michael, even when he was human.
"Thank you."
"Don't thank me," Sheppard shook his head. "I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing."
Blunt, but honest at least. When she had been less than honest with him, although never with an outright lie. She nodded. In his position, she might have said or thought the same thing.
It must have hurt enough to show in her expression, because his hands were on her shoulders and now he was turning her to face him. "Teyla… I'm…" Sorry. Was what he meant to say, but she didn't need telepathy to tell her that. John had never been very good at saying what he felt.
Teyla smiled, turning his half-thought-through gesture into an expression of forgiveness, touching her forehead to his. He even smiled a little, which she counted as a minor victory.
"I am sorry, John." For hurting you. For endangering the city, for testing your trust in me so badly. "For everything."
"I know," John said, awkwardly, because he said everything emotional with just that little bit of awkwardness. And he sort of moved as though he wanted to hug her, but didn't. He didn't do hugs well, either. "Thanks."
"John…"
"I don't want to talk about it."
Of course he didn't. She looked back out at the view ahead of them, exasperated. Spending time with Michael was looking to be more and more like a holiday and less like a … whatever it had been when she'd started. A very bad idea.
"Are you…"
"Teyla, I am not fine with what you're doing. I'm definitely not fine with what you're doing, but if you've been sneaking out to see him for the past… god knows how long…"
That stung. She wondered if he had meant it to.
"And he hasn't done anything so far, given what he said the last time I ran into him, I'm willing to take your word that he's not a security risk."
Which meant he wouldn't tell Carter, or Ronon, or anyone else he didn't absolutely need to. Teyla slumped a tiny bit in relief.
"Thank you, John."
He shook his head, muttering. "Don't thank me."
Teyla thought he looked tired. Looked defeated, somehow, and she didn't want to think too much about the reasons why. That would imply all sorts of things that she had spent many months not letting herself think about, and. She wasn't going to start now. Not when she'd effectively made that particular choice.
Two months ago, if someone had told her she would choose a Wraith (as Michael would have been to her then, genetic modifications nonwithstanding) over John Sheppard, no matter what sense, she would have stared at them as though they'd gone mad.
She was half expecting the people on Atlantis to be staring at her as though she'd gone mad, and it wasn't until they started greeting her and asking how a non-existent mission went that she remembered Sheppard was covering for her. He answered in terse, clipped words and she in vague generalities until she had excused herself to go clean up and Sheppard had headed up to Carter's office.
It still felt strange to think of it as Carter's office. Teyla thought it would feel strange for some time. Elizabeth would have, she thought, at least tried to understand what was happening with Michael. She would have tried to work out some sort of solution. And Teyla had no idea what Colonel Carter would do, and that bothered her.
"Michael?"
Sheppard nodded, a tight and jerky motion. He didn't like it any better than she seemed to be taking it, but it was a fact he was going to have to deal with.
He didn't want to have to deal with it.
"Are you sure?" Carter seemed to be having trouble grasping the idea. Which, to be fair, Sheppard had had similar trouble when he had seen them around each other, seen Teyla acting the way she was.
He wasn't sure what way that was. Except that it was the kind of thing he didn't like, too close, too intimate. There were elements of don't you touch my sister to it, but there was also jealousy. It was the jealousy that bothered him most, he thought. The idea that Teyla was behaving around Michael in such a way as to make him jealous, implied that she was treating him like…
"I'm sure." Sheppard shook his head. "I'm sure it's Michael, anyway. I'm not sure what she's doing with him."
Carter didn't need to ask what he meant to see what was going on. She nodded, a look on her face that put Sheppard in mind of someone from logistics attempting to disarm a naquadah-enhanced bomb. "But she is going to see him."
Sheppard nodded. There wasn't much point in lying about it, not when he'd brought it to her. "I flew her there, the last time. And…" he shook his head. "The first time, after the crash. I think she was going to see him. At least partly, I don't know what's going on between them. But, she says he isn't a security risk."
"And you believe her."
He took a breath, let it hiss out in a sigh that slid from between clenched teeth. "I trust her judgment. He's had plenty of time to do something to compromise us, bring a Wraith cruiser down on our heads, kidnap our people and start experimenting on them again, whatever. And there's been nothing. I trust her judgment…"
Carter's eyes narrowed slightly, head tilting back. "Even when you think it's been compromised by her feelings for him."
Ouch. John winced at having it so blatantly there, out in the open. "Yes."
"All right." Although it took Carter a little while to say it. "For the moment, we'll let this go. It hasn't impacted her ability to work with your team…"
John winced again. "No, but if Ronon finds out…"
"We'll deal with that if and when it happens. For now, keep an eye on her, and if she feels a need to go to that part of the mainland, I want you to accompany her at least as far as the rendezvous point."
Something in the way she said it told Sheppard that she wasn't exactly unaware of the underlying emotions there. He wasn't sure if he was grateful or even more cautious as a result.
"Yes, sir."
Teyla was out on the balcony looking out over the water when he found her. Not at the continent, simply out at the horizon and wondering how her life had turned in the last visit. She had been back only a short span of hours on Atlantis and already she missed Michael. The quiet steadiness, the connection. Aspects to what they had and what they had done that she couldn't even name.
Yes, the romantic aspect too. She smiled a little when she thought of it, lowering her head a bit, and of course that was when John walked up and saw her. He winced, and looked as though he thought he should come back later.
"What did she say?" Of course, Teyla could guess who he had been to see.
He sighed. "She'll …" Keep your secret, Teyla heard, and wondered for a moment if that was her own imagination filling in the blanks or if Michael's lessons had had unintended side effects. But she was damn well not going to ask. "Hold off on putting it on any official reports for now. And we'll let you tell the others."
This time it was Teyla's turn to wince. They both knew what would happen if Ronon found out on his own, and they both knew how he would react if she told him. Ronon had never liked Michael, even when he was human.
"Thank you."
"Don't thank me," Sheppard shook his head. "I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing."
Blunt, but honest at least. When she had been less than honest with him, although never with an outright lie. She nodded. In his position, she might have said or thought the same thing.
It must have hurt enough to show in her expression, because his hands were on her shoulders and now he was turning her to face him. "Teyla… I'm…" Sorry. Was what he meant to say, but she didn't need telepathy to tell her that. John had never been very good at saying what he felt.
Teyla smiled, turning his half-thought-through gesture into an expression of forgiveness, touching her forehead to his. He even smiled a little, which she counted as a minor victory.
"I am sorry, John." For hurting you. For endangering the city, for testing your trust in me so badly. "For everything."
"I know," John said, awkwardly, because he said everything emotional with just that little bit of awkwardness. And he sort of moved as though he wanted to hug her, but didn't. He didn't do hugs well, either. "Thanks."